Grandparents not following social-distancing rules

[Anonymous]

My in-laws continue to practice what I consider to be risky behavior and not follow basic social distancing measures. It is making me crazy angry and resentful, and I'm wondering if anyone else is having these issues.

As an example, my MIL went somewhere to get her hair done during the stay at home order and then lied about it when I asked how her hair looked perfectly cut and highlighted (eventually she confessed). My FIL is planning to go back to his indoor gym 7 days a week when it opens. They are 72 and 76, respectively. Also, after repeated offers to do the grocery shopping for them to minimize their exposure (which they declined), my MIL told my sister-in-law that she had asked us to get groceries for her but we had said no - just a complete and utter lie.

When we are with them, only one of them will wear a mask, and rarely for the whole visit. They are both incapable of staying 6 feet away from others. The other day, I actually furiously brought out a measuring tape to show them what 6 feet looked like. I've managed to limit visits to the outdoors and about once every other week, but even so, when I with them, I am so uptight and snappy and just unpleasant to be around. Even if I start off happy, they inevitably do something that defies all guidance and pisses me off. My two year old truly understands "far away" better than they do.

I've tried explaining over the phone that they need to be more careful around us but the minute they see us it goes right out the window. I'm also pregnant and taking all of this very seriously. I'm not just trying to protect them, I'm trying to protect myself and my family, and I feel like they engage in riskier behavior than we do and it just feels so disrespectful. I'm getting mad just writing all of this down...

I've never been particularly close with them but this has just taken it to another level. My husband and I work full-time and while I've thought about just sending my daughter and him to their house for a couple hours without me, that is my time with my kid that I'd be giving up for them. I just can't do it. I hate having to share my precious time-off with them to begin with, which is unfortunately how I see time with them. I know it is good for them and good for my daughter (so long as no one gets infected), but when they so flagrantly do not abide by the basic rules, I just cannot see any good in visits with them.

Anyway, wondering if anyone has had these same issues or has any ideas or advice for me.

(As an FYI - my daughter is in a nanny share with other kids which is why the social distancing is needed).

[Anonymous]

You need to stop being angry and resentful, because you're angry and resentful about something you can't control. And you're framing it as them not respecting you, when it's almost certainly not about you at all. You are becoming rude and unpleasant because you are framing it in a way that justifies being rude and unpleasant.

What you can control is your own behavior -- if your in-laws aren't taking reasonable precautions, then you don't spend time with them. If they won't remain six feet away or keep their masks on, you leave. It's not a contest or a battle, it's just you doing what you feel comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

So I thought your post was about the fact that you were concerned that they were going to get you and your child sick, but since you're sending your kid to a nanny share, I'm guessing that's not it and you are instead worried that you will get them sick.

You have two choices, either accept that they will make their own decisions about their lives knowing the risks or tell them you won't see them anymore because you think your family is too risky to be around them. Whichever one you choose, you really need to work on relaxing. You are spending way too much time and energy being upset about other people's decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws continue to practice what I consider to be risky behavior and not follow basic social distancing measures. It is making me crazy angry and resentful, and I'm wondering if anyone else is having these issues.

As an example, my MIL went somewhere to get her hair done during the stay at home order and then lied about it when I asked how her hair looked perfectly cut and highlighted (eventually she confessed). My FIL is planning to go back to his indoor gym 7 days a week when it opens. They are 72 and 76, respectively. Also, after repeated offers to do the grocery shopping for them to minimize their exposure (which they declined), my MIL told my sister-in-law that she had asked us to get groceries for her but we had said no - just a complete and utter lie.

When we are with them, only one of them will wear a mask, and rarely for the whole visit. They are both incapable of staying 6 feet away from others. The other day, I actually furiously brought out a measuring tape to show them what 6 feet looked like. I've managed to limit visits to the outdoors and about once every other week, but even so, when I with them, I am so uptight and snappy and just unpleasant to be around. Even if I start off happy, they inevitably do something that defies all guidance and pisses me off. My two year old truly understands "far away" better than they do.

I've tried explaining over the phone that they need to be more careful around us but the minute they see us it goes right out the window. I'm also pregnant and taking all of this very seriously. I'm not just trying to protect them, I'm trying to protect myself and my family, and I feel like they engage in riskier behavior than we do and it just feels so disrespectful. I'm getting mad just writing all of this down...

I've never been particularly close with them but this has just taken it to another level. My husband and I work full-time and while I've thought about just sending my daughter and him to their house for a couple hours without me, that is my time with my kid that I'd be giving up for them. I just can't do it. I hate having to share my precious time-off with them to begin with, which is unfortunately how I see time with them. I know it is good for them and good for my daughter (so long as no one gets infected), but when they so flagrantly do not abide by the basic rules, I just cannot see any good in visits with them.

Anyway, wondering if anyone has had these same issues or has any ideas or advice for me.

(As an FYI - my daughter is in a nanny share with other kids which is why the social distancing is needed).

You're a hypocrite. You are sending your daughter to a nanny share with other kids (whose families may SAY they're social distancing, but you don't really know) and you're getting mad at your MIL for getting her hair done. I would not spend time with my MIL if she went to get her hair done (and this actually happened - she went to get her hair done and my husband said she is not welcome to see us for at least two weeks after that), but I'm also not sending my kid to a nanny share... Seriously, take a good hard look in the mirror. You think you're being more careful than them but you're not, so stop being so hypocritical.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you post this a couple of weeks or months ago?

[Anonymous]

We don’t see anyone except my parents who are socially distancing and then we only see them masked and outside. We’re in a definite red zone (Georgia) so there is no such thing as being too cautious.

[Anonymous]

As others have suggested, you need to figure out why you are so upset- because you are worried about them risking your lives or theirs. If the former then you should temporarily cease contact with them. If the latter accept that they have a different acceptable risk calculus than you would prefer and get over it.

[Anonymous]

It is frustrating, but you are bringing it on your self with lack of boundaries. And, why are you okay with a nanny share but not seeing grandparents? Is it your health or theirs that you're worrried about?

[Anonymous]

Natural consequences. They cannot visit at your house, or receive you at their home. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the comments. I would like to add that not everyone has the ability to WFH and watch their kids at the same time. If I didn’t have care, I would need to take a leave of absence which I cannot afford. I don’t think it’s totally binary - either I give up my childcare or I’m a hypocrite. I’m as socially distant and careful as one could be, but no care isn’t an option for us. You are right in that I am prioritizing my needs to pay my bills over her need to get her hair done. There are some things I see as unavoidable risks; there are others I don’t. I guess that’s the point though. It’s all about personal choices and boundaries. Thanks for weighing in.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your in laws, who are in their 70s have come to terms with how many years they may have left. And instead of spending the next year or however long it takes to have an effective vaccine in isolation, they are going to live their lives.

I actually completely understand that viewpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your in laws, who are in their 70s have come to terms with how many years they may have left. And instead of spending the next year or however long it takes to have an effective vaccine in isolation, they are going to live their lives.

I actually completely understand that viewpoint.

And wouldn't that all be fine and great if only they could potentially fall ill and/or die?

But NO, dear. No. They can give it to OP, to her husband, to her child. A 40something Broadway actor died the other day. Infants have died. A 5-year-old died. NO ONE is immune. Or, via getting it even with no symptoms from the grandparents, OP's child could pass it on to her daycare group. Do you get it?

If this was just old people willing to run the risk and live their lives, cool. But guess what? They end up in the ER with my 20something cousin taking care of them. They end up, asymptomatic, "socially distancing" at their church, where my sister is the pastor.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT OUR OWN RISK TOLERANCE, PEOPLE. I honestly don't get what you don't get about that.

[Anonymous]

Are you normally a controlling shrew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your in laws, who are in their 70s have come to terms with how many years they may have left. And instead of spending the next year or however long it takes to have an effective vaccine in isolation, they are going to live their lives.

I actually completely understand that viewpoint.

Have you known anyone who had covid or was ventilated? You would not understand their viewpoint if you had. Covid is terrifying and unbelievably painful. To go on a ventilator you are put into a coma and adult diapers and put on your stomach. If you survive, the damage to your lungs is permanent.

In your 70s, 80s or 90s - this is not an illness you want to take you.

THIS is what I wish the media would report more on.

And to OP: stop seeing your in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your in laws, who are in their 70s have come to terms with how many years they may have left. And instead of spending the next year or however long it takes to have an effective vaccine in isolation, they are going to live their lives.

I actually completely understand that viewpoint.

Have you known anyone who had covid or was ventilated? You would not understand their viewpoint if you had. Covid is terrifying and unbelievably painful. To go on a ventilator you are put into a coma and adult diapers and put on your stomach. If you survive, the damage to your lungs is permanent.

In your 70s, 80s or 90s - this is not an illness you want to take you.

THIS is what I wish the media would report more on.

And to OP: stop seeing your in laws.

+1. And you suffer and die completely alone.
The first PP is a true idiot if she thinks people have come to terms with this as a way to end their lives.