How to handle husband’s weight gain

[Anonymous]

Let me start by saying that I love my husband and am overall happy with our marriage in terms of respect, co-parenting and compatible views. My husband has steadily gained about 50 pounds over the past 3 years. I am straight up not attracted to him right now. The weight has impacted many things like his hygiene, the way he dresses, his interest in physical activities and his sex drive. He is gassy and his skin is broken out. He is the same wonderfully funny and thoughtful guy he was when we married, but physically, he has let himself go. When I suggest more exercise or prepare healthy meals or suggest cutting back on alcohol, he kind of jokes and says “I know I know- I’m getting a little chubby”. I don’t know how to talk to him about this without hurting his feelings. It’s really impacting the romantic side of our marriage and I find myself fantasizing about other men.

[Anonymous]

Tell him all of this, directly. Don’t mince words. And don’t disguise your message by framing it as concern for his health.

[Anonymous]

You have to straight up express your concern. I totally disagree that it can’t be phrased in terms of health. It is SO hard to take the first step on the weight loss journey, knowing that results take time. But it has to happen here.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you're not attracted to him as is and suggest he go to the gym. Perhaps "gift" him with a gym membership or athletic apparel.

[Anonymous]

"Handle" him? You don't. And regarding attraction - you find a way - that's on you.

If it's 100 pounds, I think you could consider it more serious. Like an addiction, it would not be unreasonable to leave the marriage because of it.

[Anonymous]

Practice extricating yourself from underneath his sleeping, sexually spent body in case you get trapped there. I suggest lots of heavy sets on the leg press machine.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I’ve expressed my concerns about health and tried leading my example. I have not said “I am no longer attracted to you.” If the tables were turned, would he be a giant ass for pointing out my 50 point weight gain? If he told me he was no longer attracted to me because I had let myself go, I would be crushed.

[Anonymous]

LOL! Basically this same post EXACTLY was made by a man talking about his wife a month or two ago and people crucified him, saying it's his own fault for making her depressed or not helping out enough and that's why she gained weight. Unbelievable double standard.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, as a guy, if DW said she was no longer attracted to me, that would set the red alarm lights flashing and I would be on a diet and exercise program the next day. Not sure how else you’re going to get through to him besides telling him directly.

[Anonymous]

And regarding attraction - you find a way - that's on you.

No. She can’t just order herself to be attracted. She is or she isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I’ve expressed my concerns about health and tried leading my example. I have not said “I am no longer attracted to you.” If the tables were turned, would he be a giant ass for pointing out my 50 point weight gain? If he told me he was no longer attracted to me because I had let myself go, I would be crushed.

Is he still within the healthy normal category for weight or is he overweight?

I dated a guy once wh9 became overweight. It definitely killed my attraction

[Anonymous]

Op here- exactly!! I read that post where the man got raked across the coals and I felt like a giant B.

He is 5”11 and 230. When we married he was 175 and for most of of our marriage has been around 180-185. I would say he looks overweight. Has a large gut, man-boobsand his face looks bloated. His diet is trash- he eats like a college boy. Bacon and eggs with cheese for breakfast, chicken tenders and a coke for lunch, 2-4 beers per night with steak and potatoes and ice cream for dessert. Just eats like he is on vacation! I buy healthy foods and he runs out to the store to grab beer and stocks up on snacks. He eats anything I prepare and thanks me for cooking, but will always supplement with junk.

I think I would be less turned off if he still took pride in his appearance and exercised. He wears basketball shorts and loose T-shirts every day (in quarantine) and doesn’t bother to shave or trim his nails. For lack of a better word, he has turned into a slob.

I am not claiming to be a super model but I eat well about 80% of the time, exercise every day, do my hair and make up most days, and dress pretty cute, even if it’s just athleisurewear. I take care of my skin, shave my legs, put on cream, etc. I am not claiming that I do all of this for his benefit. I am on Zoom calls most of the day and I feel better about myself when I take care of myself this way... but I do think that he appreciates and is attracted to my effort.

[Anonymous]

“ Bacon and eggs with cheese for breakfast” <- no, this is a GREAT breakfast! It’s what I have, and I am 6’ 2”, 190#.

He could probably lose a lot of weight with little effort just by cutting carbs - no sodas, no bread, no pasta, no cereal, no beer.

[Anonymous]

When was the last time he had a full physical? Maybe there’s something going on w thyroid/hormones etc that is behind all of this. Then there’s also mental health ... depression is a sneaky bitch and men are so reluctant to admit something emotionally being askew. Perhaps start with science and see what’s up, but serve it with a large portion of compassion because he knows he is heavy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I’ve expressed my concerns about health and tried leading my example. I have not said “I am no longer attracted to you.” If the tables were turned, would he be a giant ass for pointing out my 50 point weight gain? If he told me he was no longer attracted to me because I had let myself go, I would be crushed.

Yes, you WOULD be crushed (so would I). But although I think men would be a little hurt, they wouldn't be crushed, and would be more motivated to lose the weight.

Men and women ARE different.