DH & DS relationship is a bit weird & odd

[Anonymous]

4 year old DS does not love DH as much as me (mom). He would sometimes run away from or ask DH to go away, and he is a mommy boy. DH is hand off parenting type, and he often chooses to play video games or cell phone over playing with DS at his free time to help him “de-stress” from work. DH grew up here with a weird family background, with FIL doing almost nothing with parenting & housework throughout his childhood. MIL grew up yelling at him all the time, and he did not feel much family love growing up. He says that parents basically provided him with food & shelter without actually raising him, but he grew up learning on his own. He does not have a close relationship with FIL & MIL.

The problem is that DH does not understand why DS does not love him that much, and he blames it over DS is a spoiled child that does not appreciate him. l have explained to DH that 1) DS is just 4, and he sometimes likes to say non-sweet words on purpose, saying you go away. 2) Father needs to make effort & spend more time with kid to build relationship. There’s unconditional love from parent to child, but it does not necessarily mean that kid loves parent back with unconditional love because ones are parents. Anyway, DH has been planting seeds on DS head that he may “die soon” because he is high risk to COVID to make DS loves & appreciates him now before it is too late to regret or remorse. DH is a manager, and it is too childish & immature for him to do that. I told him to cut it out because DS has been talking about everyone in family ( including me & grandparents) will die before he turns 5. He does not really understand what death actually means, and I hate that DS brings up death every day. I tell DS that I won’t die till he is an adult, and he tells me that he is not sad at all because he still would have me if DH dies. DH is a bit pissed off that DS does not care much that he may “ die soon”, and his plan of DS loving him more because he may die soon does not work. Anyways, what things can I do to help DH to grow up ( well, he is 40 & 6’ 2”, a manager) to be a good father & learn to build a healthy father-son relationship? I have been out of pictures from their weird father-son relationship situation, so should I leave them alone to figure out on their own?To me, they are both act childish & immature. I think DH does not really understand how to naturally be a good father because of his family background. DH & DS get along most of the time, and it is just get DH would not naturally hang out or play with DS unless DS or I ask him to do so. As I say, DH enjoys doing his things on his free time than doing father son thing or family thing. He is on- demand.

Btw, I am working mom, and DS has been in daycare since he was 2. He does not love me more because I stay home with him the whole time, but I do spend time & make extra effort to take care, read books, play, chit-chat with him. He is an interesting, funny & silly little boy.

[Anonymous]

OP to add, DH does not think he does anything wrong, and he says that he is a really good father compared to FIL.

[Anonymous]

Your dh maybe a better father than his was but he's still pretty crappy. The kid is 4. 4 year olds are children. They routinely tell parents to go away when upset. It's developmentally normal. They will also be closer to those that spend time and effort with them. Your kid is doing nothing wrong.
Your dh is being very immature and childish. Being a parent is hard. If he wants love and later respect then he has to invest in his relationship with his son. This is the critical age at which the kid begins to understand so much. He's seeing his dad choosing other things over spending time with him. So he'll naturally not want to be with dh. You have some years left to reverse this but not many. Yes little children can be boring and exhausting that doesn't mean parents get to go off and do their own thing and ignore them.
Did he want kids?

[Anonymous]

Yikes. That is extreme manipulation that is obviously not going to gain your DH his desired results. I mean honestly you can’t/shouldn’t be responsible for their relationship, but if I were you I might try to have a heart to heart with you DH and implore him to try personal or family therapy. That is some messed up mental abuse he is putting on your son by threatening his impending death.

[Anonymous]

It is not weird and odd, it is actually horrifying. Your husband needs some serious therapy, as soon as possible. He is playing mind games with your very young son. Also, tell him he's lying in the bed he's made! He doesn't want to engage his son but expects the child to want to be around him? There is something wrong with your husband. (And for the life of me I can't figure out what his height has to do with anything...)

[Anonymous]

I would suggest to DH that he start off my carving out time daily that ds likes and DH does every day

[Anonymous]

This is why you don’t have kids with guys that were mentally mindf***ed by their parents. Your DH needs therapy...lots of it, multiple times a week. You need to not get pregnant with this man again.

If your DH can’t work out his issues, your kid will hate him and eventually resent you too for not protecting him.

[Anonymous]

So your husband is telling his FOUR YEAR OLD that he might die, to try to make him appreciate him more?

That is so incredibly sad.

Would he agree to therapy?

I wouldn't even suggest divorce in this case, since I think it would be way worse for your kid to have to be with his father alone, even part time.

[Anonymous]

It's not their relationship that is weird and odd. Your DH does not have an understanding of child development. Trying to guilt people by predicting his own an early death would be twisted in any situation, but especially so for a 4-year-old. I'd be looking for child development books and parenting classes. Take the class or read the books together, then discuss. Don't approach it as trying to fix your husband, but as a joint project for better rearing your child together.

Others might have better, more recent recommendations, but an old classic by Louise Bates Ames could be a place to start: "Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful." There's a whole series, year by year. Some for the specific examples are dated, but overall, child development just hasn't changed that much. (And maybe you can laugh together at outdated allusions?) One nice thing about a book like this is that it isn't suggesting that you have a parenting problem, it's just learning about your child at the age he is. And if you like it, go ahead and get the book about five-year-olds, so you know what's ahead.

[Anonymous]

I would have your pediatrician recommend a parenting group. Talk to your pediatrician ahead of time and try to get your husband to come to an appointment. If you can't get him to attend a parenting group or read developmental literature, then go to a family therapist yourself. This is not a good way to raise your son, but he is young enough that if you insist on change, it may help. You need to fight your son's corner on this, although I know how hard it will be. If you tell him you want you both to go to a parenting class, it will be better than sending him like he's in trouble or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 year old DS does not love DH as much as me (mom). He would sometimes run away from or ask DH to go away, and he is a mommy boy. DH is hand off parenting type, and he often chooses to play video games or cell phone over playing with DS at his free time to help him “de-stress” from work. DH grew up here with a weird family background, with FIL doing almost nothing with parenting & housework throughout his childhood. MIL grew up yelling at him all the time, and he did not feel much family love growing up. He says that parents basically provided him with food & shelter without actually raising him, but he grew up learning on his own. He does not have a close relationship with FIL & MIL.

The problem is that DH does not understand why DS does not love him that much, and he blames it over DS is a spoiled child that does not appreciate him. l have explained to DH that 1) DS is just 4, and he sometimes likes to say non-sweet words on purpose, saying you go away. 2) Father needs to make effort & spend more time with kid to build relationship. There’s unconditional love from parent to child, but it does not necessarily mean that kid loves parent back with unconditional love because ones are parents. Anyway, DH has been planting seeds on DS head that he may “die soon” because he is high risk to COVID to make DS loves & appreciates him now before it is too late to regret or remorse. DH is a manager, and it is too childish & immature for him to do that. I told him to cut it out because DS has been talking about everyone in family ( including me & grandparents) will die before he turns 5. He does not really understand what death actually means, and I hate that DS brings up death every day. I tell DS that I won’t die till he is an adult, and he tells me that he is not sad at all because he still would have me if DH dies. DH is a bit pissed off that DS does not care much that he may “ die soon”, and his plan of DS loving him more because he may die soon does not work. Anyways, what things can I do to help DH to grow up ( well, he is 40 & 6’ 2”, a manager) to be a good father & learn to build a healthy father-son relationship? I have been out of pictures from their weird father-son relationship situation, so should I leave them alone to figure out on their own?To me, they are both act childish & immature. I think DH does not really understand how to naturally be a good father because of his family background. DH & DS get along most of the time, and it is just get DH would not naturally hang out or play with DS unless DS or I ask him to do so. As I say, DH enjoys doing his things on his free time than doing father son thing or family thing. He is on- demand.

Btw, I am working mom, and DS has been in daycare since he was 2. He does not love me more because I stay home with him the whole time, but I do spend time & make extra effort to take care, read books, play, chit-chat with him. He is an interesting, funny & silly little boy.

This is pretty horrific emotional abuse. Your husband needs counseling and/or parenting classes.

Sorry, but this is divorce-worthy. I hope you don't have any other children with this man. Make sure your birth control is as 100% as it can be.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is telling your 4 year old that DH may die soon due to COVID just to get a preschooler to love him?!?! WTF is wrong with your DH??

Your DH is on track to have the same messed up relationship with his son that he has with his own father. Tell him that. If he's not willing to change things, you can't force him. HE is the adult. It's on HIM to foster the kind of relationship he wants with his child.

Honestly, if your DH is doing this when your child is only FOUR, I shudder to think what your DH will do as your child gets older. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, you need to stop downplaying their relationship as "a bit weird and odd." I opened this thread expecting to read about some weird game they like to play together, or some odd jokes that they share. What you described is not "weird" or "odd." It's emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you've read these responses. Everyone has commented that this is NOT weird and odd - this is terrible and abusive. You really, really need to get help for your son.

[Anonymous]

Just so you know, OP, 4 year olds don't understand death/dead/dying. Your kid is obsessed with it, talking about it, but he has no idea what he's talking about.