Building character in kids: self-discipline, work ethic, responsibility, respect, etc

[Anonymous]

How have you done this?

I've found that these help: High expectations of behavior, especially respect for self and others, and for academic success. More support will need to be provided for kids with LD, ADHD, etc but challenging them to reach their full potential is essential. Structure and routine. Household responsibilities, ideally not linked to an allowance. Being empathetic towards your kid and expecting the same in return. These sound obvious, but I think they're very important, if not fundamental. Playing a sport or musical instrument is also great, if possible.

[Anonymous]

Continuously modeling these traits as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I feel this is personality driven. I’d like to say my child is hard-working, resilient and respectful because of something *I* did.....but I think that’s just who she is!

I actually don’t like an overly structured house with a lot of rules. IMO— don’t harp too much. Have fun together. Don’t baby them. Expect them to do chores. Give them some leeway. And don’t be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel this is personality driven. I’d like to say my child is hard-working, resilient and respectful because of something *I* did.....but I think that’s just who she is!

I actually don’t like an overly structured house with a lot of rules. IMO— don’t harp too much. Have fun together. Don’t baby them. Expect them to do chores. Give them some leeway. And don’t be a doormat.

OP again. I don't favor excessive structure for kids or too many rules, either. Allowing kids the opportunity for self-regulation is important.

By "structure and routine," I mean a homework routine and bedtime (until they're old enough to take care of those responsibilities on their own) and a schedule to divide chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continuously modeling these traits as a parent.

This only goes so far. As do high expectations. You get the kids you get.

[Anonymous]

I was at my wits end and turned to an old book I got with an extremely strict schedule from 7 to 7 for my six year old ds and we battled for about 5 days but I was desperate so I did what it said. He is changing for the better and is so talkative and polite to me now. He transitions to new tasks with ease. He helps me with clean up and then smiles when he’s done.
Like all the pp’s I tried modeling, being understanding but structured, considering his viewpoint and innate personality, implementing rewards, and thought I was doing everything right but was raising a kid who was appallingly disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How have you done this?

I've found that these help: High expectations of behavior, especially respect for self and others, and for academic success. More support will need to be provided for kids with LD, ADHD, etc but challenging them to reach their full potential is essential. Structure and routine. Household responsibilities, ideally not linked to an allowance. Being empathetic towards your kid and expecting the same in return. These sound obvious, but I think they're very important, if not fundamental. Playing a sport or musical instrument is also great, if possible.

People on here will fight me to no end on this, but I think these are crucial:

1-The kids have to do lots of chores early (in life) and often. It’s really not tiring and can be oddly relaxing. Watering the lawn, emptying and filling dishwasher, handling their own laundry, making meals, vacuuming, pulling the weeds, sweeping, cleaning their room.


2-The kids must get a frequent summer job at minimum by 8th/9th grade. If they are in a really intense travel sport by then perhaps don’t push it, but I really honestly (my husband disagreed) think working is better for the kids. I’d also nudge them to work at least one night/week during the school year, and I’d require it if they had no other ECs.

3-Your kids aren’t allowed to just say “I’m not inviting X kid to my gathering” without a reason if X kid is in the friend group, sport, or other. If they just don’t like X kid for no proved reason, they can’t leave X kid out or invite X kid at the last minute after everyone else was already invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How have you done this?

I've found that these help: High expectations of behavior, especially respect for self and others, and for academic success. More support will need to be provided for kids with LD, ADHD, etc but challenging them to reach their full potential is essential. Structure and routine. Household responsibilities, ideally not linked to an allowance. Being empathetic towards your kid and expecting the same in return. These sound obvious, but I think they're very important, if not fundamental. Playing a sport or musical instrument is also great, if possible.

People on here will fight me to no end on this, but I think these are crucial:

1-The kids have to do lots of chores early (in life) and often. It’s really not tiring and can be oddly relaxing. Watering the lawn, emptying and filling dishwasher, handling their own laundry, making meals, vacuuming, pulling the weeds, sweeping, cleaning their room.


2-The kids must get a frequent summer job at minimum by 8th/9th grade. If they are in a really intense travel sport by then perhaps don’t push it, but I really honestly (my husband disagreed) think working is better for the kids. I’d also nudge them to work at least one night/week during the school year, and I’d require it if they had no other ECs.

3-Your kids aren’t allowed to just say “I’m not inviting X kid to my gathering” without a reason if X kid is in the friend group, sport, or other. If they just don’t like X kid for no proved reason, they can’t leave X kid out or invite X kid at the last minute after everyone else was already invited.

My young kids complain loudly about chores, but the are much happier and better regulated people when they have responsibilities and do them. If I back off chores for too long, they definitely get more disrespectful and grumpy.

[Anonymous]

Get them involved in a church or religious organization from an early age. (And I mean involved; not just showing up for a few services a year. Make youth group, Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, etc an expectation.

They will meet friends and other families there that have these same values, and they are reinforced by other adults. You will start to reap the benefits of this when they hit middle school/ high school age.

[Anonymous]

This is a great thread. I would love to know some age appropriate chores for 4-6 year olds. I ask mine to set the table and wipe down the floor and table after dinner, but I want other ideas and to enforce them so we do it routinely not just when I remember.

I think encouraging kids to ask questions and engage with grown-ups is important too. I just answered grown up questions when I was growing up and I think being asked to make conversation is an important skill adn shows you care about people in your life.

[Anonymous]

Force kids to look others in the eyes and say hello. When I was a kid/tween, the times I didn’t do this, my mom would say loudly in front of the person “Larla (me) says hello. Larla, say hello.” This exchange humiliated me so many times, but I didn’t act correctly until my mom did it in front of a family friend my age. I almost barfed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get them involved in a church or religious organization from an early age. (And I mean involved; not just showing up for a few services a year. Make youth group, Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, etc an expectation.

They will meet friends and other families there that have these same values, and they are reinforced by other adults. You will start to reap the benefits of this when they hit middle school/ high school age.

No thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get them involved in a church or religious organization from an early age. (And I mean involved; not just showing up for a few services a year. Make youth group, Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, etc an expectation.

They will meet friends and other families there that have these same values, and they are reinforced by other adults. You will start to reap the benefits of this when they hit middle school/ high school age.

No thanks

NP. Your loss! (And your kid's, too, unfortunately.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How have you done this?

I've found that these help: High expectations of behavior, especially respect for self and others, and for academic success. More support will need to be provided for kids with LD, ADHD, etc but challenging them to reach their full potential is essential. Structure and routine. Household responsibilities, ideally not linked to an allowance. Being empathetic towards your kid and expecting the same in return. These sound obvious, but I think they're very important, if not fundamental. Playing a sport or musical instrument is also great, if possible.

Show by doing not by telling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get them involved in a church or religious organization from an early age. (And I mean involved; not just showing up for a few services a year. Make youth group, Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, etc an expectation.

They will meet friends and other families there that have these same values, and they are reinforced by other adults. You will start to reap the benefits of this when they hit middle school/ high school age.

Oof. I feel like you have no idea what really goes on in most youth groups.