Teens Not Talking about College

[Anonymous]

My daughter doesn’t want to speak to anyone about college admissions. She’s a rising senior and whenever someone bring it up, she never wants to mention any specific schools. She and all her friends (except her very closest) just never discuss it (which is probably for the better IMO - her school is cutthroat and competitive). I think a lot of it is a fear of both judgement and failure because she is applying to a somewhat large number of reach schools. But she doesn’t even like to talk to her counselor or the teachers writing her recs about it since she thinks they’re more judgmental than supportive. She’s not unprepared. She has done a ton of individual research, is invested in the process, and very open with me and DH about it but definitely seems to feel like it’s an individual thing. I wish she were more comfortable with her counselor but other than that, I’m not too concerned with how she’s handling it. My question is, how did college admissions become such a social phenomenon? Why do adults think it is okay to inquire about where students are applying and then give opinions on their chances of admissions there? How does this generation of private and anxious kids intersect with the culture of college being the only thing discussed with teens?

[Anonymous]

Its always been like that.

[Anonymous]

I have to believe that most people in her peer group and yours know that kids don't want to be pressed on where they are applying. That is really strange. or can't she just say "I don't know"

[Anonymous]

She's smart to keep it private. I went to a top private school, and it's very stressful, and there will be a lot of friends who are devastated by not getting into specific places. I remember one girl who wore a Cornell hat after she got in early admission and I never respected her again. Your support/celebration with her will be enough, and as things settle in/get less raw after the admissions cycle she'll talk more about plans for school with her friends.

As for the counselor, I don't remember forming much of a relationship with that person - why would I? I didn't know them.

This is just one of the things about being in a high-pressure, top college prep school. Let her navigate it.

[Anonymous]

Talk about some loaded questions.

I think asking a high school senior about college plans is a perfectly normal, time-honored and appropriate topic. And I suspect your remark about speculation on what it takes to be admitted is merely someone acknowledging that the process is difficult and uncertain.

I am not exactly sure where you got the chip on your shoulder about this, but I do know where your kid got hers.

[Anonymous]

Best thing my kids ever did was keep quiet about the process. They knew where they wanted to go and chose for themselves. They are happy. I hope the same for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Gen Z kids are all much more private than past kids have been. I think that is to their benefit given the current collegiate climate. Adults should stop asking about college but especially stop asking younger kids (12-15) about college.

[Anonymous]

I think not talking about college admissions is, on the whole, good. My kid's school discouraged talk of GPA, test scores and applications. This helps reduce the craziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best thing my kids ever did was keep quiet about the process. They knew where they wanted to go and chose for themselves. They are happy. I hope the same for your daughter.

+100

[Anonymous]

My rising senior DC doesn't even want to talk about college with us, his parents. DC thinks it will "just happen", and says they won't know if they like school by looking at their web site or reading a book. Unfortunately, there is no other alternative right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk about some loaded questions.

I think asking a high school senior about college plans is a perfectly normal, time-honored and appropriate topic. And I suspect your remark about speculation on what it takes to be admitted is merely someone acknowledging that the process is difficult and uncertain.

I am not exactly sure where you got the chip on your shoulder about this, but I do know where your kid got hers.

I agree it is totally normal and a very exciting time in a kdis life -- or at least it should be. I think it is sad that some kids today feel so much shame in the process that they fear talking about it with anyone. That is really unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Snowflakes

[Anonymous]

Omg. It is 100% ok for adults to ask seniors about college. And it is 100% ok for kids to say they have no idea. These questions have been asked for decades. It is only now that kids feel uncomfortable. Which is so funny because they aren’t private any longer. Their Snaps and Instas are filled with every aspect of their teen life but this somehow crosses the line? Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. It is 100% ok for adults to ask seniors about college. And it is 100% ok for kids to say they have no idea. These questions have been asked for decades. It is only now that kids feel uncomfortable. Which is so funny because they aren’t private any longer. Their Snaps and Instas are filled with every aspect of their teen life but this somehow crosses the line? Please.

+1 Stop taking yourselves so seriously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. It is 100% ok for adults to ask seniors about college. And it is 100% ok for kids to say they have no idea. These questions have been asked for decades. It is only now that kids feel uncomfortable. Which is so funny because they aren’t private any longer. Their Snaps and Instas are filled with every aspect of their teen life but this somehow crosses the line? Please.

A PP made an interesting point about Gen Z and privacy. This just isn’t true anymore. People in their 20s and 30s overshare on social media. Teens use theirs to present a faux image of themselves and almost never actually share things about themselves except for on private Snapchat stories with no more friends than would be at a large sleepover party.