Rough neighbor boy / avoiding boys in general
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Anonymous
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My 5yo son had a pre-k classmate that punched him in the face with a toy while they were playing. He got a bruise from it. He avoided him after that.
This happened in the past and was already dealt with, but we also run into this boy (and his mom) around the neighborhood and at the park and playground, they live down the street. How would you handle? Personally, I don't want my son to be friends with this boy, but they run into each other a lot and they may be in kindergarten together in the fall. Would you let them play together? The second related issue (or maybe it's not an issue) is that my son really prefers to play with girls. And seems to actively avoid boys. He has older sisters, and he also at age 3 used to get repeatedly hit and pushed by this boy in his preschool class room. The following year, his class was 80% girls, and of the 3 boys in his class, 2 of them had behavior issues. One boy was very nice but he did not stay in the class, they moved to another school. He gets along great with the girls. He says he doesn't like playing with the boys because they are too rough. How would you handle this issue or non/issue? |
Anonymous
| Four year olds fight over toys. It happens. Was it right for that kid to “punch him in the face”? Of course not. But you handle it by first acknowledging that this was a little kid, and not labeling him for life because of something that happened in preschool. |
Anonymous
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I would let your son play with who he wants to play with.
If he wants to avoid this kid because he doesn't like to be hit, I would allow that. If the hitting was so long ago, that your son has moved on, and wants to play with him again - I would allow that too. |
Anonymous
+1 Seems like you are looking for trouble. He plays with who he plays with / there is nothing to “handle.” |
Anonymous
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If you "dealt" with the punching boy's behavior and it hasn't changed, then yeah, I would avoid him too. I wouldn't set my kid up for another round.
But you need to remind your DS not all boys are rough; and if they are, is anyone really hurt? Encourage him to be more open and understanding, so he doesn't avoid playing with other boys. |
Anonymous
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How long ago was the punch? Are you still talking negatively about how rough the boy was and communicating your dislike of him?
It would be sad to have the other boy forever known as bad because he lacked coping skills and impulse control once as a preschooler. He is little and learning. |
Anonymous
| Op here. My son is fairly shy, especially around boys. So if we are at the playground together, he avoids him. But the other boy says hi and tries to get my so to play with him. And my son usually hangs back. If it were anyone else, I’d encourage him to say hi and go play with his classmate. But I don’t want to pressure him with this boy since he’s had a bad experience with him. |
Anonymous
It was a while back. about 6 months ago. I haven’t said anything negative about the boy, but my son always brings him up as the boy who hit him in the face. |
Anonymous
| When my son was 7, one of his friends punched him. The mom handled it well (called me, gave son a consequence). My son once hurt a friend over some mean words that friend said. I called the mom and made son apologize and he had a big consequence at home as well as a lot of talk about how to deal with anger etc. they’re all entering middle school this year and still friends. I don’t think once incident is enough to cut someone off unless you think that the parents are encouraging that behavior or you truly fear for your child’s physical or mental health. I think it’s important for them to learn that 1) people make mistakes 2) you can forgive someone for not being perfect 3) you will never be perfect 4) maybe you will need to be forgiven At some point. Your son doesn’t have to hang out with kids who hurt him repeatedly, but if this kid wants to be friends, let them. Just stay close by to make sure your son is being treated properly. |
Anonymous
| If he only wanted to play with boys, would you be posting to ask how you could get him to stop avoiding girls and learn to play with girls? No? Then just let the kid play with who he likes. There's nothing wrong with him wanting to play with girls right now. |
Anonymous
Jesus, holding it against a kid for hitting when they were in preschool? You will be warping your son if you let him continue to think that he can only be friends with people who are perfect, because there aren't any. He needs to learn to accept apologies and move on from there. The other boy is saying hi and trying to be friends with your kid. Why don't you explain to your DS that that was a long time ago, and the other boy seems like he's turned into a nice 5 year old. It would probably take your DS all of two minutes to start feeling comfortable with this kid again, and wouldn't that be preferable to fostering some ridiculous fear of someone he will be seeing around for the foreseeable future? If it were an ongoing issue I would say avoid, but come one, once when the kids were 3?? |
Anonymous
This I mean I wouldnt invite the kid over for a playdate but if you run into them at the park or at school and they play together, it is what it is. |
Anonymous
You could reframe this for your DS instead of choosing silence. You could parent. |
Anonymous
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OP: it sounds like your son was pretty traumatized by it. I would respect his feelings about not going near the rough kids.
Growing up, my brother was sensitive, shy, small of stature, and all-around delicate. He only had female friends until later elementary school, then a few male friends 5th-7th grade. He then really didn't have any male friends until his senior year in high school. But those friends he made at the end of high school became his friends that have lasted, well into their 50s now. |
Anonymous
Frankly I had to check the date of your posts, OP. I wondered if this was some thread from before March that had gotten resurrected. Is your child still going to playgrounds right now and meeting up with kids who just happen to be there at the same time, and playing with whoever's around? I find that hard to take in, considering, you know, pandemic and all. The "but let them plaaaaay!" brigade will come out in force, but look around. Many posts on DCUM about whether even to have one on one playdates for kids with children whose families are asked in detail about their distancing habits and who's in their "bubble." In that current environment, if you and others are going to playgrounds like it's pre-covid, that seems off base. As for the other boy, the pandemic is your opportunity to distract your son and ensure he doesn't run into this kid randomly. If your son talks about the boy out of the blue and hasn't seen him in a while, distract and redirect your son with something else and don't engage in trying to talk through their long-ago (to a kid) encounter. If you're actually letting son go to a playground right now where he runs into this other kid--why?! Find another classmate whose family has pandemic distancing that matches your own, whatever that is, and arrange a distanced one on one playdate instead. |