Loss of a parent in tween/early teen years?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone lost a parent when they were in their tween or early teen years? If so, how did it affect you during the rest of your childhood and as an adult? What factors helped you deal with the loss? For those who lost a parent due to suicide or due to long-term illness, can you talk about your experience? Thanks for all responses and sorry for your losses.

[Anonymous]

My mother lost her dad when she was 14. She's still not over it and she's 70. I have some cousins who lost their dad when they were in their teens (4 siblings). One of them has never gotten over it (she's over 50). Her and my mom find a lot of common ground in how they both feel -- they were the same age.

Neither one of them had any counseling, wasn't the thing. Now there's resources to help. It's a huge impact at a critical point in their life.

I'm sorry if this is something you are going through.

[Anonymous]

My friend lost his father to suicide when he was 14. It was not the first attempt. My friend's hair went gray from the stress, at 14 years old. It was so sad and he was profoundly traumatized by it. His younger brother later committed suicide at age 22.

Of course, it is hard to separate the trauma of that from the hereditary depression that runs in their family. My friend is doing pretty well on modern medications. It's sad to contemplate that his father and brother could have been saved if those medicines had been available earlier. He is raising his own children, both of whom have significant mental health problems, and works only 4 days a week to manage stress, but is able to make an adequate salary nonetheless. He has no higher priority than mental health and staying alive for the sake of his children.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you asking? Do you need help?

[Anonymous]

I am one of three sisters. We lost our father when we were 12, 13, and 16. Two of us have handled it well, moved on quickly enough given the circumstances. I definitely was closed off and angry the year after it happened but it never led me to make any dangerous or reckless decisions in high school (maintained good grades, no drugs or sleeping around). One sister has been a mess since it happened. I am sure it was a triggering event for genetic mental illness but she cannot get over any deaths in our family. She is getting her life together now in her mid thirties but the list of issues she suffered through her 20s and is continuing to work through in therapy is heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

My husband lost his father very suddenly when he was nine. He never brought it up much when we were dating or in the early years of our marriage, and I naively assumed that meant he had dealt with his grief in a healthy manner. He hadn’t - he just compartmentalized it. Having our own children was a big trigger for really dark thoughts about mortality. Things really came to a head when my husband experienced a health crisis, and we got him into therapy and he is on anti-anxiety meds. It has been really helpful for him. His therapist told him the two big future events to watch out for are (a) when my husband reaches the age his dad was when he died and (b) when our kids are the age my husband was when his dad died. It’s a lifelong process, but I think getting my husband the tools has been huge. I wish we would have done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

My mom lost her father at 8. His death was immediately followed by some family drama with her paternal relatives wanting custody of the kids for purely monetary reasons. It ended with my grandmother fleeing with and hiding them. They wound up living in really severe poverty until my mom graduated HS. She was extremely traumatized and blocked most of it out.

DH’s father left/was put out when he was in HS and died of alcoholism in pretty bad housing circumstances. Like an SRO. DH is a very hands on father and I think it’s because of that.

One of my best friends got pregnant at 17. She had intended on an abortion, but her mom had a stroke at the same time and she put it off until it was too late. She was going to surrender for adoption. Then her mom had a second stroke and died. My friend changed her mind and kept the baby. Her daughter is now a brand new neuro resident.

[Anonymous]

My best friend in middle school lost her mom to cancer. It messed her up badly - she was severely depressed and cut herself. To make things worse, her dad moved on VERY quickly and moved another woman into their house within a year. I haven't seen her since high school, so I have no idea how she's doing now.

[Anonymous]

My Dad died suddenly when I was 16. My mom became an alcoholic the next day, so it’s like I lost both parents. It’s been 25 years and I’ve never really moved on.

[Anonymous]

My mom lost her Dad at 9 and her mother at 14 and then at 16 she lost the grandmother with whom she lived after her mother's death. She spent her 20's living as much as possible. Traveling to Europe with a friend for 4 months (after saving for it) She was a teacher and then a Director of a YWCA. She met my father in her 30's and had my sister and I later than the norm (1960's). She lived in the moment more than anyone I know. No problem was too big to solve or anything to worry about. She laughed nearly every day.

[Anonymous]

My best friend lost her mom to cancer 15. Her mom truly believed that God would heal her. So after she died, my friend chose to no longer believe In God. She went on to go to college, get a good job and is married, but is choosing not to have children. She fears putting her own children through what she went through.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 10. I am generally ok and have never gotten therapy or felt I needed it. My father remarried (her wishes) and while there were some turbulent teen years, we’re all ok now. There are times that are harder—when I was pregnant and a new mom wanting to be able to speak to her, for example—but I am ok. I would say to generalize the people I’ve known with this experience, we’re all pretty serious people. Not that we don’t have fun, but I think we grew up fast and know how shitty things can be. I’d like to think it made us more resilient.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who are married. She lost her dad when she was 9 to a heart attack and he lost his dad age 10 to suicide. It's a trauma that bonds people.

[Anonymous]

L’ost father. Mother was unbelievably strong. We didn’t realize till we were adults what she carried without complaint. Have no idea where her strength came from. Deeply moral but not religious at all. We take good care of her in her old age. We understand the stability she gave us. Must have been especially hard all those years we idolized missing father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who are married. She lost her dad when she was 9 to a heart attack and he lost his dad age 10 to suicide. It's a trauma that bonds people.

Yes. My grandparents both lost their fathers in World War I and were impoverished. They had to enter the workforce very young. The trauma definitely was part of their bond and they had a very happy marriage.