Loss of a parent in tween/early teen years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:L’ost father. Mother was unbelievably strong. We didn’t realize till we were adults what she carried without complaint. Have no idea where her strength came from. Deeply moral but not religious at all. We take good care of her in her old age. We understand the stability she gave us. Must have been especially hard all those years we idolized missing father.

+1

I could have written this exact post about my mom. As an adult I am fully realizing and in awe of what she did.

[Anonymous]

My husband lost his father suddenly and tragically at 9. He is the most emotionally stable person I know, good natured, an optimist, zero baggage. He is also very successful and self made. A huge credit goes to the extended family on both sides; grandparents, uncles, aunts, who banded together to provide a lot of support, time, attention and affection to him and his sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:L’ost father. Mother was unbelievably strong. We didn’t realize till we were adults what she carried without complaint. Have no idea where her strength came from. Deeply moral but not religious at all. We take good care of her in her old age. We understand the stability she gave us. Must have been especially hard all those years we idolized missing father.

this is beautiful. And likely you and your siblings were both her need for strength and her source of it all at the same time. Grief and love and loss are weird like that. The burden of the strength (not being able to fall apart bc she had kids) was likely also the source of it (intense love for her children and keeping them healthy/safe kept her feeling more whole than she might have otherwise)

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in high school who had lost her mom to cancer as a young teen. Her parents kept it from her til the very end and as a result she had a rough relationship with her dad for a long time. She felt he had lied to her and, I think, robbed her of some time with her mom had she known it was ending. They are better now, decades later, but it took a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

My brother was 16 when our dad died. I honestly feel like it kind of derailed his life. His academics went down and he went from being a social person to basically just sleeping a ton. He finally graduated college and is basically directionless. But he’s hardworking so I’m hoping he figures it all out soon.

I was in my 20s when he died and have struggled with pretty severe anxiety ever since.

[Anonymous]

My mother lost her mother in a sudden accident when she was 13. She was an only child from a country in South America- her parents were divorced and her dad, who had another family at that point, basically enrolled her in boarding school and had her taken care of by a sister of his during the summers. My mom didn’t talk about her mother’s death with anyone until she was in therapy in her 30s in New York after immigrating to this country, and getting a masters and PhD. She channeled her grief into her learning and education and used it as a catalyst to leave her country of origin and become a professional. Her mother’s death completely changed the trajectory of her life- I’m not sure she would have left her country otherwise. But she carried and continues to carry the grief and pain of that loss well into her 70s. Confronting it in therapy helped her heal and we are incredibly close and talk about her mother- whom she has a remarkable amount of memories of- often. I never met my maternal grandmother but I feel her presence in my life and through my mom, which I think is pretty special.

[Anonymous]

My best childhood friend lost her Dad suddenly (heart attack 42 after separating recently from her Mother) at age 11. I remember her never talking about it, started hanging with the wilder kids at 13-16. But now in her 50s, 1 marriage still ongoing, 2 great kids (teens), and she became very religious, devoted Catholic. I see her as strong, a survivor, and family first.

[Anonymous]

My parents were an older couple who adopted me and my two siblings. Me (F11)and my siblings (5F, 4F (they had her from birth)) lost my father the day I went to show one of my younger siblings around my University my dad died. I was heading in to work (hospital) and saw his name on my patient list so I went to his room (he had already passed at this point) I didn’t go all the way in but I knew it was bad. It affected me and my siblings terribly that day. I continued to work in the hospital for a few months, but another family death occurred in the same hospital. I never had time to recover from my father, and it felt like I was torturing myself so I quit and switched career soon after. It was a hard decision, I was headed towards a pretty intensive medical program which included 2000 patient care hours minimum, volunteer hours, premed classes and I gave up.

My sister who was with me that day excelled in school afterwards, she always struggled SO hard before. I’m so proud of her, and myself tbh, I just finished my last class in my new program this week.

[Anonymous]

My Dad died of a heart attack when I was 11 and my brother was 9. He didn’t make much money but Thank God he paid extra on the mortgage each money for insurance because when died the house got paid off , so we didn’t have to move which would have added to the trauma. I resented my brother a lot because everyone seemed to faun over him because “ a boy needs a father figure” and I got kind of left out. We did ok though, we were actually slightly better off financially because he was retired Army ( he was 47 and this was in England) so my Mum got his full army pension, pension where he worked, plus state benefits. Oooooh and the best part......... 3 days after he died we found out that he had been married before and had 4 kids, and my Mum money told us because they all wanted to come to his funeral. Talk about a bombshell. I will say that has made me never want to lie to my kid. She is adopted and we tell her as much as we can and are as open as possible with her. I had so many questions that went unanswered because “ he wanted to wait until you were older” as an adult I think that was more her decision than my Dads but I will never know.

[Anonymous]

My father was in his mid-60s when I was born (20 years older than my mother). He had a stroke and a couple of heart attacks before I was in kindergarten, and my mother quit work to take care of him. It was wonderful to have both parents at home. We also lived in poverty and without health insurance. He died after another series of heart attacks when I was 16.

I got a scholarship, worked multiple jobs, and slept in my car to get a university degree, and went on to complete medical school. I married too young, and then divorced. I think a lot of my life choices were a desperate attempt to impose normalcy and order on the chaos that had become normal in my childhood.

I also always knew I was loved, and I brought many strengths from that childhood, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend lost his father to suicide when he was 14. It was not the first attempt. My friend's hair went gray from the stress, at 14 years old. It was so sad and he was profoundly traumatized by it. His younger brother later committed suicide at age 22.

Of course, it is hard to separate the trauma of that from the hereditary depression that runs in their family. My friend is doing pretty well on modern medications. It's sad to contemplate that his father and brother could have been saved if those medicines had been available earlier. He is raising his own children, both of whom have significant mental health problems, and works only 4 days a week to manage stress, but is able to make an adequate salary nonetheless. He has no higher priority than mental health and staying alive for the sake of his children.

Same thing happened to my childhood BF but she was 13 when her mother died and her brother committed suicide at 30. Hereditary depression is real and tragic.

[Anonymous]

I lost my father when I was in high school. I had many siblings and my Mom held us all together with no money other than social security. He was a severe alcoholic and used all of his paycheck for liquor and cigarettes. We had no money for food and clothing, etc. It was a tough life. It was a very sudden heart attack After the initial shock, we had a much better life after he passed. We were still very poor, but no more turmoil from all his drinking. It was so embarrassing as a teenager to have a parent like him. I did not miss him and was so thankful to have a wonderful Mother.

[Anonymous]

I was an older teen, and losing my mom was devastating. Seeing my friends share their young adult milestones with their moms was so hard, and events such as getting my first apartment, graduating college or grad school, first job, etc. were sad for this reason.

The way my dad remarried very quickly and made it clear his priority was now his new family was equally devastating. This really messed with my understanding of love and relationships, and was super hard in my early 20s when I was dating a lot. My mom would have been shocked at how my dad cut ties with me; I was certainly unprepared for this and really struggled to cope for a long time.

I moved overseas as a young adult and haven't been back to the US in a decade. I would never have done that if my mom had lived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you asking? Do you need help?

+1 Here are some resources if you do:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (network of crisis centers 24/7 for anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress) - 1-800-273-8255

Boys Town (licensed trained counselors available 24/7 for kids and parents) - 1-800-448-3000

[Anonymous]

My husband lost his father when he was a tween. It was devastating, and his mother coped by being EXTREMELY overprotective. This continued into adulthood, which has been challenging. We have our own kids now, and we are only now realizing how compartmentalized he has been about the death. He is in therapy and on meds now, and we both wish that he had done this way earlier. He's approaching the age his dad was when he died, which is very hard for him. According to his therapist, it's going to be even worse when our son becomes the age my husband was when he lost his dad. So the TLDR is that it's difficult, even 25+ years later. It was the defining moment of my husband's life.