What do you tell your children about racism? How to stay safe?

[Anonymous]

For example, I my 11 yr old is 6’0”....he looks like a man. I have told him that he needs to comply if a cop asks him to do something as they have a gun but that under no circumstances should they consent to a sexual act or harming someone else. Am I missing something? How do we keep kids safe?

[Anonymous]

^^ Not that it matters but my family does very well and my DCs excel at school and sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For example, I my 11 yr old is 6’0”....he looks like a man. I have told him that he needs to comply if a cop asks him to do something as they have a gun but that under no circumstances should they consent to a sexual act or harming someone else. Am I missing something? How do we keep kids safe?

Make him understand that he should not resist arrest (and this is so slippery because honestly, they accuse people who are being suffocated of resisting arrest when they are just flailing because they can't breathe) and that if interviewed by police (at the police station OR at school) he should just repeat that he wants his parent there or a lawyer. He should not talk to them without a lawyer there. Hopefully if you were there you would get him a lawyer.

I wrote this on another thread but my dh is an attorney and has been telling our kids this since they were 5. It is important for them to know.

[Anonymous]

I have a son who has anxiety, and unfortunately when he gets scared he fights. I worry that if he ever has an encounter with a cop, he will be wildly inappropriate in a way that might get him hurt. Police are humans too, remember. Some better trained than others, but they are all human. Police calm down more if they can see your empty hands. So if you raise them when told to raise them, or drop anything you are carrying when told, do it. If I can get that one thing through my kid's head, I feel he will be much less likely to be injured or worse by police.

[Anonymous]

Also your 11 yr old is REALLY tall. Wow. We talked to our 11 yr old about George Floyd being murdered. He has to understand what is happening - that people are being killed by police because of the color of their skin.

If they don't know the truth then they may be susceptible to the lies that other forces are actively trying to feed kids online.

[Anonymous]

My kids are white and they look UMC. I’m not worried. I’ve covered the basics like moving slowly, showing your hands and following directions. But I’m fully cognizant that it’s the color of their skin (and their zip code) that will shield them from police brutality.

The only thing that scares me is this: I tell my kids is that they have to ask for their parents before they answer any questions from the police — no matter how harmless it seems. I really drill it in to them that no matter what they did, I promise I will be 100 times more angry if they talk before I get there.

[Anonymous]

OP my kid will be going to college In a Large city this fall; we were talking about the news today and reminded him about running from officer or ignoring commands, even if his non-black friends do. and DH stressed showing his ID if asked, even on campus. (Was reminded of an incident Obama has shared about When he was at Columbia U.)

We have been stressing this to DS over pass few years.... things like not having his hood on with hands in my pocket while in 7-11 with his non-black buddies.

Love the advice about being questioned and insisting on calling his parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm 38 now, but back in the fifth grade our sex ed talk was followed up by a conversation for the boys about what to expect once puberty started.

They told us that once we got over a certain height or developed facial hair that we'd be seen as a threat. Don't run through neighborhoods that we're not familiar with because they'll assume we stole something. Don't walk closely behind people, especially at night. Don't wear hoods. Don't walk with our hands in our pockets. If you're stopped by the police, be as polite as possible even if they're being mean because the slightest thing we do will be seen as aggression and justify them hurting or killing us. Never make any sudden moves at all. If they ask for ID, talk through every step of the process and move slow: "My wallet is in my back pocket. Do I have permission to get it? I'm reaching to get it now." They told us to always assume that someone is going to think we're a criminal. Don't get offended. It's more about them and their issues than ours. Don't feed into what they may expect you to be.

Howard University used to have a conference every year that we'd go to in middle school about staying safe and avoiding the police. It was called the Brother to Brother conference. I don't know if there's anything online that you can find, but I've lived by those rules since I was a child, and I had my run ins with the police starting around middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my kid will be going to college In a Large city this fall; we were talking about the news today and reminded him about running from officer or ignoring commands, even if his non-black friends do. and DH stressed showing his ID if asked, even on campus. (Was reminded of an incident Obama has shared about When he was at Columbia U.)

We have been stressing this to DS over pass few years.... things like not having his hood on with hands in my pocket while in 7-11 with his non-black buddies.

Love the advice about being questioned and insisting on calling his parents.

If your kid is at least 18 (which I assume he is, or will be shortly, since he will be going to college) he does not have the right to have a parent present.

[Anonymous]

OP / I am truly terrified for my kids. My son couldn’t sleep last night. He keeps asking if we are going to back to MLK times.

[Anonymous]

Not a AA, but we are middle eastern and have our own worries.

First and foremost, I tell my kids don't be doing wrong things, and don't be hanging around with the wrong people (by wrong I mean illegal activity). This is by far, the quickest way to have an unpleasant police encounter.

If you do encounter police for any reason, be respectful and cooperative at all times and speak as little as possible. Remember that police are afraid for the life at all times. They assume everyone is potentially armed and dangerous so take that into consideration. Keep your hands in view at all times and no quick movements. Ask permission if you need to reach for something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP my kid will be going to college In a Large city this fall; we were talking about the news today and reminded him about running from officer or ignoring commands, even if his non-black friends do. and DH stressed showing his ID if asked, even on campus. (Was reminded of an incident Obama has shared about When he was at Columbia U.)

We have been stressing this to DS over pass few years.... things like not having his hood on with hands in my pocket while in 7-11 with his non-black buddies.

Love the advice about being questioned and insisting on calling his parents.

If your kid is at least 18 (which I assume he is, or will be shortly, since he will be going to college) he does not have the right to have a parent present.

He has the right to have a lawyer present.

It’s pretty much the same concept. Call your parents and they get you a lawyer. Do not talk alone.

[Anonymous]

For those of you chiming in that your kids are white so you don't need to worry, have you talked to your kids about what to do if they are out with Black friends and those friends are targeted by the police?

What about how they need to make even BETTER choices as a group if they have a Black friend in the mix?

[Anonymous]

My son is on the spectrum and my nephew is African American. We talk a lot about how to handle encounters with authority figures who may or may not be fair or appropriate. But I am terrified about how wrong an encounter could easily go with them. They are fiercely protective of each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you chiming in that your kids are white so you don't need to worry, have you talked to your kids about what to do if they are out with Black friends and those friends are targeted by the police?

What about how they need to make even BETTER choices as a group if they have a Black friend in the mix?

That's a really good question.

My white son is 10 -- so just on the brink of that kind of independence where he's likely to be spending time with friends out in public without adults present.

We've looked for teaching moments to help him think this through. Conversations about how his black friends will be judged more harshly for innocent actions than he will be. Need to keep these conversations going, especially as he gets older.