If you have a 5 year old that gets angry easily and hits....

[Anonymous]

DS is 5 and 1/2. He gets upset and angry easily, even over little things. He will then either stomp off into another room and slams the door or else hits. Most of the hitting is directed at DH if he is upset at him, but once in a while at me when he is upset.

When he does hit DH, DH will say don’t do that but let him do it a few times and then physically have to stop him. DC is a boy so growing up they would play roughshed together sometimes, and I’m not sure if this is a contributing factor to his behavior more with DH. Sometimes for fun, he will jump on DH but knows not to do it with me.

We have some cardboard boxes on the floor because DS is using it to build things - ice cream truck, ramp for toy cars, etc.. There’s a lot that has been sitting there for weeks unused so I asked DS which ones he doesn’t want so I can recycle it. Hours later, DS went to his cardboard pile and saw something missing that he was using and wanted. He got very angry and went over to DH and started hitting him because he thought DH threw it away.

I put him in time out and then had the conversation with him about communicating why he is angry and what is wrong so we can discuss it instead of hitting. I had DS take 3 socioemotional zoom classes last month where they talked about feelings. We then specifically worked on anger after that and discussed ways to calm down - deep breathing, shaking it out, dancing, coloring it out. I saw progress with this when he blows up and is put in time out. I would go up and say you are angry (low energy) and how do you move to high energy. He would dance and then not be angry. So his anger timeframe is shortened. But in the heat of the moment, nothing has changed.

I need advice. Is this just a phase at this age? A control issue? Or something else?

If something else, what suggestions on how to handle this? Do we need professional help or therapy?

[Anonymous]

My DD had this issue in a big way at age 4 through 5 and even a bit at age 6. She's 7 and it's better now. I talked to my pediatrician who was not much help.

For a while we tried "acceptable" outlets -- it's ok to stomp and to shred paper, not ok to hit or slam doors. (I took her door off its hinges if she slammed it and that made an impression.) I let her go be in her room or out back alone if she wanted. I read a lot about peaceful parenting which says that acting out is a cry for something that is missing, often attention and security. I tried to stay very very calm during outbursts (difficult for me). But mostly I think it's a phase and DD is aging out.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not a phase that all boys go through. Hitting is never okay regardless of the emotion behind it. Your son is way old enough to stop himself from physically hurting another person!!

Your son needs swift and immediate consequences when he hits - something that matters like no screens for the rest of the day or loss of another privilege. Do not engage him u til he’s calmed down.

[Anonymous]

My DS took a very long time to stop hitting when he was upset, despite us doing all the things we were supposed with interest consequences, clear expectations, etc.

In retrospect it was part of his difficulty with impulse control that was ultimately diagnosed as ADHD.

[Anonymous]

^^^ "immediate" not "interest"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS took a very long time to stop hitting when he was upset, despite us doing all the things we were supposed with interest consequences, clear expectations, etc.

In retrospect it was part of his difficulty with impulse control that was ultimately diagnosed as ADHD.

OP here. ADHD was not something we thought about because DS can spend 45 minutes working on a puzzle before he is bored or over an hour doing a LEGO set. Are ADHD kids able to focus this long and what age was your DS diagnosed?

[Anonymous]

My son is this way but has High Functioning Autism. For him it’s the rigidity of control. Placing hinges in certain organizations. Not the typical lining up. So just like you said he will create homes for cars and refuse to pick them up. He’s not being obstinate usually. It relieves his anxiety to keep it and be able to have control. The loss of control for him yes it’s immature impulse control but also anxiety. You are the anxiety. We still do time out. But even with ABA therapy, play therapy. The swift consequences m, removal of electronics, being sent to his room, etc. still happens daily and it’s sooo frustrating. I have seen progress if I look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not a phase that all boys go through. Hitting is never okay regardless of the emotion behind it. Your son is way old enough to stop himself from physically hurting another person!!

Your son needs swift and immediate consequences when he hits - something that matters like no screens for the rest of the day or loss of another privilege. Do not engage him u til he’s calmed down.

I have an almost 6 yo boy like OP’s son. Immediate consequences never worked for him and made it so much worse. I do believe a lot in discipline and consequences. But In this case, it didn’t help him get a hold of his emotion, more to the opposite. Lack of sleep and too much screen time were big factors. Surprisingly, he has matured a lot in the last few weeks and doesn’t get into those fits anymore. He’s way more cuddly too. While it’s true that not all boys are like that, those who are can grow out of it. Does he hit at school? That would be more concerning.

[Anonymous]

I have a DS exactly like OP's son. He just turned 6 two weeks ago.

He has always been like this -- we had him evaluated for ADD and he doesn't have it, per developmental pediatrician.

I do suspect anxiety or other control issues, almost oppositionally defiant at times. He CRAVES rough physical contact, tackling others etc. He has always had plenty of friends in class but while there have been incidents at school, they are few and far between. Two I can think of during his K year, but the only time the school has called home is when he was on the receiving end of being hit....

He will "lovingly" head butt -- we do an insane amount of time-outs, take away consequences etc. We have another son who is the opposite, so I feel your pain and I also know that for all those people who want to scream "bad parenting." sometimes that is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS took a very long time to stop hitting when he was upset, despite us doing all the things we were supposed with interest consequences, clear expectations, etc.

In retrospect it was part of his difficulty with impulse control that was ultimately diagnosed as ADHD.

OP here. ADHD was not something we thought about because DS can spend 45 minutes working on a puzzle before he is bored or over an hour doing a LEGO set. Are ADHD kids able to focus this long and what age was your DS diagnosed?

NP. Yes, they are. This is a common misconception. My DD acts similarly, also ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not a phase that all boys go through. Hitting is never okay regardless of the emotion behind it. Your son is way old enough to stop himself from physically hurting another person!!

Your son needs swift and immediate consequences when he hits - something that matters like no screens for the rest of the day or loss of another privilege. Do not engage him u til he’s calmed down.

I have an almost 6 yo boy like OP’s son. Immediate consequences never worked for him and made it so much worse. I do believe a lot in discipline and consequences. But In this case, it didn’t help him get a hold of his emotion, more to the opposite. Lack of sleep and too much screen time were big factors. Surprisingly, he has matured a lot in the last few weeks and doesn’t get into those fits anymore. He’s way more cuddly too. While it’s true that not all boys are like that, those who are can grow out of it. Does he hit at school? That would be more concerning.

Same. People love to blame parents and say kids need more punishment. That had the opposite effect for our DC. Instead, we started doing the opposite. Lots of hugs and love after the meltdown. That actually worked and DC started to feel more secure and as a result, we actually started to see improvement. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

My five year old DD can go from zero to 60 with anger very quickly; as far as I know she doesn’t have any special needs like autism or ADHD. What works for us is an immediate consequence (timeout) for hitting. Also, when she’s calm, we talk with her about feelings and how she can express them in a healthy way.

Screentime and lack of outside time/exercise definitely make her more quick to anger, so we watch those although with homeschooling and two WFH parents right now we do have days where that’s hard. Before COVID she only got screen time on the weekends and even then, rarely.

[Anonymous]

Mine is almost 6 now and it’s been slowly improving as he gets older, gets better impulse control, and gets better at verbal expression of his frustration. Now it’s mainly just at his sister and to be fair, she provokes or is physical with him quite a bit. His response is disproportionate, but it’s not coming completely out of the blue. It’s tough now because they’re together ALL day, everyday.

Instant timeouts for hitting, lots of sleep, recognizing when he’s getting worked up before it escalates to hitting, calming techniques (breathing exercises),

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not a phase that all boys go through. Hitting is never okay regardless of the emotion behind it. Your son is way old enough to stop himself from physically hurting another person!!

Your son needs swift and immediate consequences when he hits - something that matters like no screens for the rest of the day or loss of another privilege. Do not engage him u til he’s calmed down.

Consequences are fine but the bolded is terrible advice for kids like this. They need more engagement, time-ins not time outs, and reinforcement that having emotions doesn't make them unlovable. They are dealing with huge, out of control emotions that actually scare them. The message has to be that the emotion is okay but the outlet (hitting) needs to change.

[Anonymous]

My son was like this at 5. He is almost 7 now and rarely gets physical but he sometimes still has a very intense anger response. He will shout hurtful things or start throwing things, etc. We have done everything posters talk about above and the most effective is counting to three after warning about what will be taken away if he doesn’t stop the extreme behavior by the count of three. This didn’t work when he was younger but he is mature enough now to process it. He is usually very happy and a great kid but he has always been intense, willful, and prone to tantrums. No diagnoses of anything. Very well behaved at school and excels academically, very social with lots of friends. I would not pathologize this behavior unless you see other signs of ADD, etc.

Like others have said, triggers for this behavior are lack of sleep and too much screen time so we try to be very aware of that, and don’t overschedule. And we just try to enforce boundaries as consistently as possible and talk about emotions whenever possible, too. He loves to do that once he calms down.