Husband Help with Disciplining Back Talk

[Anonymous]

My previously mommy’s girl has now turned daddy’s girl. She’s soon to be 5. Most days she’s down right hateful to me. I cry over her meanness at least once a week. She tells me she doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me to help her with crafts, doesn’t want me to put her to bed, rolls her eyes when I ask for a hug or kiss, tells me my dinners are disgusting, pushes me away. I’m miserable right now, hoping it’s just a phase. But what REALLY upsets me is my husband does nothing, literally nothing, when she is hateful to me. When I was growing up, if I was ever disrespectful to my mom, my dad always set me straight. When I ask my husband to say something, he just shrugs/rolls his eyes and half ass mutters something to her. Would you expect your DH (or partner) to intervene?

[Anonymous]

I would expect a united front. But choose your battles wisely. Having a preference for dad to put her to bed is not rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect a united front. But choose your battles wisely. Having a preference for dad to put her to bed is not rude.

Understand... it’s just the cumulative effect at this point

[Anonymous]

What do you say to your daughter when she is rude/hurtful to you? What’s the strategy? How do you want him to “set her straight?”

Step 1 is to figure out how you both want to approach this as parents. Is this a straight discipline thing, about forbidden behavior? Are you trying to communicate to her about how words can hurt people and about empathy? Idk which is better but I think you need a strategy.

[Anonymous]

To me it’s not about back tak it’s about being rude. Not just the way she treats her parents but anyone rudely it needs to be addressed.

Yes, you need a united front. But also your reactions is what’s feeding in to her reactions. She is five, this is her way of establishing power, and you need to try to let it not get to you. Crying over your five year old being mean is an overreaction. I am hoping you don’t cry in front of her.

Stop overcompensating. Ask her- who do you want to put you to bed and if she says DH, be totally neutral about it. Etc. Give her some small feeling of control and it will pass, eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect a united front. But choose your battles wisely. Having a preference for dad to put her to bed is not rude.

It depends how she expressed her preference.

OP, I would expect my husband to set her straight. It can often make more of an impact when the parent who was not spoken to intervenes. That being said, you should start ignoring her for now. She's probably seeing it upsets you and doing it for a reaction at this point.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. Why is he tolerating this behavior? Your child is manipulating parents against each other at an early age.

I would also make sure that you don’t let her see that her behavior upsets you in any way. If she says she doesn’t want a hug, just laugh or say a little bless your heart type of phrase and tell her that it’s your job to hug her as her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expect a united front. But choose your battles wisely. Having a preference for dad to put her to bed is not rude.

It depends how she expressed her preference.

OP, I would expect my husband to set her straight. It can often make more of an impact when the parent who was not spoken to intervenes. That being said, you should start ignoring her for now. She's probably seeing it upsets you and doing it for a reaction at this point.

PP that asked if I cry in front of her, of course not. I try to keep my reactions neutral but I don’t want to raise a beat, so I will tell her in a very firm voice that she is not being kind and that’s not ok. I wish my husband would do they same. I feel like his silence is viewed as complacency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expect a united front. But choose your battles wisely. Having a preference for dad to put her to bed is not rude.

It depends how she expressed her preference.

OP, I would expect my husband to set her straight. It can often make more of an impact when the parent who was not spoken to intervenes. That being said, you should start ignoring her for now. She's probably seeing it upsets you and doing it for a reaction at this point.

PP that asked if I cry in front of her, of course not. I try to keep my reactions neutral but I don’t want to raise a beat, so I will tell her in a very firm voice that she is not being kind and that’s not ok. I wish my husband would do they same. I feel like his silence is viewed as complacency.

I agree with you. If she's mean to you then say she's not being kind. I'm surprised your husband is ok with it. Rudeness and not kindness to anyone is not ok. I would talk to him about that in general and not just in a "she's hiring moms feelings" kind of way. So he just lets her say whatever? From your end I would not ask for a hug or kiss more than once a day at bedtime. And yes she's doing it for attention and to see the reaction. When my 4 year old does it just leave the room and if dh is in earsh he mentions how we need to be kind and civil to others. We don't have to like them but we shouldn't be mean.

[Anonymous]

Making a big deal of it is only going to make the phase last longer. She doesn’t hate you. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making a big deal of it is only going to make the phase last longer. She doesn’t hate you. Get over it.

Never said she hated me. You would literally let your kid be hateful or unkind without any discipline? Sounds like they will turn out to be just as rude as you.

[Anonymous]

You have a DH problem. He needs to have a conversation with her about being kind, using nice words and reminding her of all the nice things you do for her. Then, he needs to call her out when she is nasty.

[Anonymous]

I do not want my husband to step in an set her straight. Eww. It’s not good cop / bad cop and it is not he is the enforcer. We have a certain set of behaviors that are not allowed and if they happen both parents respond the same way. And what a horrible dynamic that he would intervene when it is not “going well”. That would piss me off so bad. I am totally capable of disciplining my child.

Now, it does sound like you and husband need to make the list of non-negotiables and how you will respond. Hit? Time out. Say I don’t like you? That person walks away. Throwing a toy? Toy goes away. Then it is easy and consistent

But you are in for rough teenage years if your 5 year old can make you cry. You need to toughen up a lot

[Anonymous]

What a horrid brat. She would get one damn good spanking, sent to her room, all forms of entertainment removed and she would have to earn it back. I would never put up with such rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you need a united front. It makes my husband fume when our son is disrespectful toward me. I'm the primary caregiver, so I'm the 'safe person' to try crap out on but sometimes it goes too far especially during this time of social isolation.

If your child is not treating you respectfully, then she needs consequences and lessons on respectful ways to say, "no". Your husband can role-play with her if it is too hard for you right now. It is 100% ok to not want hugs or kisses or help with crafts, etc. Absolutely her right. And you should support and celebrate her use of "No!" as it will be handy as she gets older. But as her parent, you deserve a respectful 'no' (unlike the 'NO!' she can give a pushy boy or playground bully).

So stop offering these things. Be loving and supportive, of course, but be a bit more hands-off. Let her come to you; and she will! You might be coming off as needy, which is repelling her.