Husband Help with Disciplining Back Talk

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op, I would be upset if my dh didn’t step in either. Since you’d dh is not on the same page, I would respond differently than If he were.

If this were me, I would stay neutral. Oh you don’t want to do a craft with me? Okay I’ll just paint by myself. Or “you want daddy to put you to bed? Well I’ll kiss you anyway, but enjoy your time with daddy. If she says things like “I hate you” then you correct her and say that it hurts your feelings. And make sure she knows you love her no matter what.

And then I would make myself scarce. She takes you for granted right now. If she loves daddy so much, he can make her meals and play dolls with her. Go for long walks or drives by yourself. Find a bench and read a book to recharge. Don’t flaunt it or anything, just quietly find ways to disappear. They’ll miss you pretty soon and things will change. If you show your disappointment too much, she will realize the power she has and she will keep using it. If you show that you aren’t bothered by it, she won’t keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

She tells me she doesn’t like me

-- Say "Well I love you and always will"

doesn’t want me to help her with crafts

-- Stop helping then.

doesn’t want me to put her to bed

-- Same here. Just drop the rope. Let her put herself to bed.

rolls her eyes when I ask for a hug or kiss

-- if she does this every time, just stop trying for a little while. It doesn't mean it's forever.

tells me my dinners are disgusting

-- The moment she does that, just clear her plate.

pushes me away

-- Teach her to use her words.

Do you have any other kids or just your DD?

Re: your husband, what does he say when you talk to him about these issues?

My general opinion is that things that can easily be enforced, should be enforced consistently and swiftly, i.e. saying her meal is disgusting results in immediately ending the meal. Other things that are harder to have a natural consequence for should just be ignored. Eye rolling, for example. I mean, that's just not a hill I would die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, I would be upset if my dh didn’t step in either. Since you’d dh is not on the same page, I would respond differently than If he were.

If this were me, I would stay neutral. Oh you don’t want to do a craft with me? Okay I’ll just paint by myself. Or “you want daddy to put you to bed? Well I’ll kiss you anyway, but enjoy your time with daddy. If she says things like “I hate you” then you correct her and say that it hurts your feelings. And make sure she knows you love her no matter what.

And then I would make myself scarce. She takes you for granted right now. If she loves daddy so much, he can make her meals and play dolls with her. Go for long walks or drives by yourself. Find a bench and read a book to recharge. Don’t flaunt it or anything, just quietly find ways to disappear. They’ll miss you pretty soon and things will change. If you show your disappointment too much, she will realize the power she has and she will keep using it. If you show that you aren’t bothered by it, she won’t keep doing it.

This. Use this time to do your own thing and enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

Agree that OP needs to "drop the rope" more.

But parents should always mutually enforce acceptable and respectful behavior. So, yes, when Spoiled Daughter makes rude remarks about the food, she needs to be told that these types of comments are very rude and not acceptable. She can say "I don't care for x". OP can choose to clear plate or say something like "well, it's what we're having."

Whatever the choice, DH MUST back up: No saying "oh honey I will get you some other food" and ideally something like "That's very rude. Mommy worked hard to prepare our meal."

[Anonymous]

Have him watch that stupid Cheerios commercial. It caused a big shift in attitude in my husband. “Dads don’t break the rules, they make the rules.”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ_RZapEJxc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you need a united front. It makes my husband fume when our son is disrespectful toward me. I'm the primary caregiver, so I'm the 'safe person' to try crap out on but sometimes it goes too far especially during this time of social isolation.

If your child is not treating you respectfully, then she needs consequences and lessons on respectful ways to say, "no". Your husband can role-play with her if it is too hard for you right now. It is 100% ok to not want hugs or kisses or help with crafts, etc. Absolutely her right. And you should support and celebrate her use of "No!" as it will be handy as she gets older. But as her parent, you deserve a respectful 'no' (unlike the 'NO!' she can give a pushy boy or playground bully).

So stop offering these things. Be loving and supportive, of course, but be a bit more hands-off. Let her come to you; and she will! You might be coming off as needy, which is repelling her.

Thank you, this is an interesting perspective for me to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She tells me she doesn’t like me

-- Say "Well I love you and always will"

doesn’t want me to help her with crafts

-- Stop helping then.

doesn’t want me to put her to bed

-- Same here. Just drop the rope. Let her put herself to bed.

rolls her eyes when I ask for a hug or kiss

-- if she does this every time, just stop trying for a little while. It doesn't mean it's forever.

tells me my dinners are disgusting

-- The moment she does that, just clear her plate.

pushes me away

-- Teach her to use her words.

Do you have any other kids or just your DD?

Re: your husband, what does he say when you talk to him about these issues?

My general opinion is that things that can easily be enforced, should be enforced consistently and swiftly, i.e. saying her meal is disgusting results in immediately ending the meal. Other things that are harder to have a natural consequence for should just be ignored. Eye rolling, for example. I mean, that's just not a hill I would die on.

Just have our DD which makes it harder, I feel like. 2 against 1 if you will.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband and child problem. It is normal at that age to stay that stuff. You need to punish her and make it clear her saying mean things is not ok. But, it is ok for her to be more independent and want to do crafts and things on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have him watch that stupid Cheerios commercial. It caused a big shift in attitude in my husband. “Dads don’t break the rules, they make the rules.”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ_RZapEJxc

That is hilarious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She tells me she doesn’t like me

-- Say "Well I love you and always will"

doesn’t want me to help her with crafts

-- Stop helping then.

doesn’t want me to put her to bed

-- Same here. Just drop the rope. Let her put herself to bed.

rolls her eyes when I ask for a hug or kiss

-- if she does this every time, just stop trying for a little while. It doesn't mean it's forever.

tells me my dinners are disgusting

-- The moment she does that, just clear her plate.

pushes me away

-- Teach her to use her words.

Do you have any other kids or just your DD?

Re: your husband, what does he say when you talk to him about these issues?

My general opinion is that things that can easily be enforced, should be enforced consistently and swiftly, i.e. saying her meal is disgusting results in immediately ending the meal. Other things that are harder to have a natural consequence for should just be ignored. Eye rolling, for example. I mean, that's just not a hill I would die on.

Just have our DD which makes it harder, I feel like. 2 against 1 if you will.

It is normal for kids to have a preference for one parent or another at various times. Her wanting autonomy is normal growing up. It sounds like you are taking things really personally and feeling left out. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Have you read the books "Your 5 yr old" and "Your 4 Old" by Louise Bates Ames? This is a normal developmental phase. It is hard. My yds was like this with dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him watch that stupid Cheerios commercial. It caused a big shift in attitude in my husband. “Dads don’t break the rules, they make the rules.”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ_RZapEJxc

That is hilarious!

I think it's stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the books "Your 5 yr old" and "Your 4 Old" by Louise Bates Ames? This is a normal developmental phase. It is hard. My yds was like this with dh.

I knew by age 3 backtalk was not tolerated. My children also knew so I think it's only developmentally appropriate by parents too lax and lazy to instill discipline.

[Anonymous]

Saying " I dont like you" or " I hate you" is not allowed in my house. Those phrases need consequences. She can ask if other parent can put her to bed assuming both are home, but she cant be hurtful to the other parents.
I would pick specific phrases or action you don't want repeated do a consequence every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the books "Your 5 yr old" and "Your 4 Old" by Louise Bates Ames? This is a normal developmental phase. It is hard. My yds was like this with dh.

I knew by age 3 backtalk was not tolerated. My children also knew so I think it's only developmentally appropriate by parents too lax and lazy to instill discipline.

What OP listed out was not really back talk. You should have read the whole thread more carefully.