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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Need a reality check -- Also, how do you get him to move out when he's unemployed?
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Anonymous
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Having supported a chronically unemployed person (literally, unemployed 5 years out of over 10 years of marriage) -- who also cannot keep a job -- been literally fired from every job in the last 10 years he's had, which all of them were for less than a year -- I have reached my limit and capacity to hope that things will be different this time when he gets a job -- he's been unemployed for 2 years now. I have stuck around for the last 5 years b/c we have a child together (he was also unemployed when I was pregnant -- I have never felt such profound grief at missing the excitement and anticipation of a new baby b/c I was worried about finances and security in general).. I feel like I need a reality check that this indeed is an insane situation and that this will not get better. I feel completely overwhelmed, depressed that I have been saddled with all the responsibility -- the mortgage, child care and school costs, household upkeep while he sits around puts out occassional resumes online and promises that the next job, when he gets one, will work out and that it's everyone else's fault for his job situation except his. I have repeatedly asked him to move out and he says that he will but won't. I have no intention of co-signing a lease for him since he also has been racking up credit card debt -- overspending beyond his unemployment check which he uses for spending money since he doesn't pay for anything else. How in the world do I get him to really move out? Are there any legal actions that I could take? If the title of the house is in my name only, does that give me leverage? if any of you have any ideas, please let me know...
thanks. |
Anonymous
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No ideas, just support. My ex was like this - - unemployed the whole marriage practically and not a dime to his name when I filed for divorce.
The sad thing is, he is going to have to step up and get his act together now. He didn't do it in time to save his marriage, and now he's still going to have to find a job and oh, by the way, his marriage is gone too. That's how mine went, anyway. He lived at his office and with his brother in my case. When I stopped supporting him, his parents stepped in and paid his bills. Luckily, he didn't really fight me about leaving the house, and I gave him a decent amount of assets in the divorce like the car, some cash, etc. It was hard, and I felt like the Grinch a lot of days but chances are your marriage has some co-dependency in it and you have to get over feeling responsible for a grown man. He has choices to make, and he may not get "the" job he wants but he can certainly find "a" job and pay the bills. Make sure he understands that you won't hold a 1 bdrm apt against him for visitation rights, so he can get on his feet... good luck! |
Anonymous
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This was my mantra during that year,
"I didn't break him, and I can't fix him." |
Anonymous
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OP,
Have you spoken to a lawyer? It sounds like it's time. One thought is making this as concrete as possible. Do you plan on selling the house? If so, one idea, if the lawyer says this makes sense, would be to tell him and also tell him you will give him his share but that he's got to leave now. Make this real. He doesn't seem to think it's real. Of course discuss your plans with a lawyer! Also you will likely be paying child support so factor that into your budget. |
Anonymous
She won't be paying child support if she has custody. |
Anonymous
| True I should have written that she may be paying child support because even if she gets sole legal and physical (which would only happen if he agreed to that ... ) and there's visitation she might pay something even after imputing income for him. |
Anonymous
| OP, you need to speak to a lawyer. Yes, there are ways to obtain a legal order requiring him to move out, but regardless, you need a lawyer. Good luck. |
Anonymous
NP here. Thanks for this. It's a good one. |
Anonymous
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I was in a similar situation for 5 years with my ex husband. I reached the breaking point after he asked me to pay him for babysitting our children while I worked. I asked him many times to leave and he out right told me that he wouldn't. So I called the non-emergency police. I told them my name was solely on the lease and have asked him to leave and he won't. They advised me to quietly pack his stuff in some bags and give them a call when I was ready to have him removed. I placed his belongings outside of my apartment. The officers knocked on my door, asked to speak to him, then escorted him and his belongings away. I immediately had my locks changed.
I can kind of laugh about it now, still painful to remember it. Divorced him by default. That was 10 years ago, he doesn't see our children, I receive no child support, and there's no record of him working. |
Anonymous
| 8:51 That's a sad story. My sense is OP's husband is going to want to remain in their child's life. I hope OP can find a way to get him to move out without involving law enforcement. |
Anonymous
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hope and reality are two different things. more often than not.
I am sure she HOPED he would get a job. HOPED he would keep a job. HOPED he would act like a grown man. Like a father. Like a role model. Now, she can HOPE he moves out. Or she can move him out. 10 years is a long time. You can HOPE for change or finally take control and make it happen. You need to be strong. Have resolve. And get it done. The sooner he is out the sooner you can move on with your life. If not his situationa and presence will continue to control you and shape your life. There is no partnership here. He is not interested in helping you or being part of a marriage. good luck. I have been there. I feel for you. |
Anonymous
| Reminds me of a former VP's slogan: 'Hope' is not an action plan. |
Anonymous
8:51, so true. Got tired of hoping for a losing cause. I convinced myself that my children would be much better off without his influence wrecking their childhood and potentially their futures. I believed that we could do so much better without him. OP, work on your self-esteem and get that lousy sob out of your child's life. You two deserve so much more. I remember the humiliation that I felt because I married and had children with someone who I wasn't proud of -- a loser. Show him that you mean business. If he wants to be in his child's life, make him prove to you that he's a grown man. |
Anonymous
| OK - here is my situation - similar to some extent. We are not married but my boyrfriend moved in with me - I own my house - his not not on it anywhere. He works sothat is good. However things are nto working out he is extremely verbally abusive - it is getting worse everyday. So far there has been no physical abuse. However several times I have been scared enough that there would be and have called the police. I had it made up that was it and I want him out of here - but the police told me I couldn't make him leave that I have to go through the eviction process. Because he receives mail and his clothes are here. And if I do the eviction thing I know things are going to get even worse and he will make my life a living h@%*. I can't have a restraining order put against him because he has not touched me. I have spoke with an attorney and they have told me the same thing. Any advise on this.......So be thankful that things aren't any worse than he isn't working - which is bad enough but it could be worse. |
Anonymous
I am not an attorney, but I'm not sure you got good advice. Can you speak with another attorney, maybe ask some of the women on this listserv for recommendations? I say this because 1) if lease/title is your name, of course police can evict your boyfriend. you probably need to document that you've asked him to move out--repeatedly--but my common sense side says there's no way they wouldn't help you. call the non-emergency number and talk to someone about what they can do to help you. 2) I can believe it would be hard to get a restraining order for verbal abuse. Could you tape him? Again, I would think a good attorney would have some recommendations here. Hang in there. |