What do you do when you can’t trust your spouse with your kids (safety)

[Anonymous]

We have a 1 and 3 year old. Dh has always been a bit wreckless but is now doing things like sneaking getting wasted and claiming he hasn’t had a drink and is fine to watch the kids - and then the 1 year old gets injured, “watching” the 1 year old as he crawls up the stairs but dh is behind him on his phone and baby falls down a few stairs. I resent him to my core that I can’t trust him to be responsible with his own children, and it’s adding so much stress to my life (on top of everything else) to always have to be hovering and watching and checking, but I can’t divorce bc then the kids would be with him unsupervised then. How do I keep living with someone I don’t trust and can’t stand? How do I do it in a way that doesn’t impact the kids?

His behavior has gotten worse as life responsibilities and stress increases, I didn’t know he’d be this way. He does have mental health issues he is in treatment for, but it’s only moderately effective. His mental health issues are much much worse when he drinks which is why he hides when he does drink which starts the awful cycle of him pretending to be fine to watch the kid’s, me checking for hidden alcohol and charges for alcohol etc

[Anonymous]

You have to divorce. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to divorce. Now.

But he will get the kids unsupervised then. There’s no abuse, no documented alcoholism, he holds down a very stable and respectable job

[Anonymous]

You have to divorce him and ask that his visitation be supervised and he has to join AA or something.

[Anonymous]

Document his drinking and talk to a lawyer. You may be able to get 100% custody, or at the very least he'll be required to have supervised custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Document his drinking and talk to a lawyer. You may be able to get 100% custody, or at the very least he'll be required to have supervised custody.

It’s hard to document - he adamantly says he wasn’t drinking and the charges are just like general 7-11 charge. I’d guess it’s once every 2 weeks he has 3-4 drinks which doesn’t sound like much but for with the mental health meds he’s on (including a benzo) it puts him in like a manic mode and he just has no judgement with the kids (or himself, he’s hurt himself also). He tries really hard to hide it so every time he’s even happy / perky I suspect he’s been drinking. But I’m not sure how or what I could prove to a judge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document his drinking and talk to a lawyer. You may be able to get 100% custody, or at the very least he'll be required to have supervised custody.

It’s hard to document - he adamantly says he wasn’t drinking and the charges are just like general 7-11 charge. I’d guess it’s once every 2 weeks he has 3-4 drinks which doesn’t sound like much but for with the mental health meds he’s on (including a benzo) it puts him in like a manic mode and he just has no judgement with the kids (or himself, he’s hurt himself also). He tries really hard to hide it so every time he’s even happy / perky I suspect he’s been drinking. But I’m not sure how or what I could prove to a judge

You don't always need hard evidence. This isn't a conviction, you just need enough to show a judge he's unfit to parent.

Get a notebook you can hide and write it all down.

[Anonymous]

Look, there are 10 million things you can do other than divorce him.
“Oh, wow, there’s a breathalyzer in my pocket! If you don’t breathe into it right now I’m going to rip out your nose hairs while you sleep. Breathe, fu@&er!”
“Oh, if our baby falls down the step one more time I’m going to inform your parents and all your cousins that you like a finger in your...”
“I’ve withdrawn all the assets in our joint account. You get $100 for every day that your are sober. Begin.”
I dunno, if it’s really a matter of keeping your own children alive, I can think of tons of consequences you can impose on him other than to pout and write DCUM.

[Anonymous]

You divorce. Friend had similar situation..Ex is subject to breathalyzer test at pick up of kids, drop of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document his drinking and talk to a lawyer. You may be able to get 100% custody, or at the very least he'll be required to have supervised custody.

It’s hard to document - he adamantly says he wasn’t drinking and the charges are just like general 7-11 charge. I’d guess it’s once every 2 weeks he has 3-4 drinks which doesn’t sound like much but for with the mental health meds he’s on (including a benzo) it puts him in like a manic mode and he just has no judgement with the kids (or himself, he’s hurt himself also). He tries really hard to hide it so every time he’s even happy / perky I suspect he’s been drinking. But I’m not sure how or what I could prove to a judge

You don't always need hard evidence. This isn't a conviction, you just need enough to show a judge he's unfit to parent.

Get a notebook you can hide and write it all down.

Your statement, written or not will not be enough to deny custody or visitation to their other parent.

[Anonymous]

Next time he gets drunk and acts manic you get the kids and you leave, call the Police and get it documented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Document his drinking and talk to a lawyer. You may be able to get 100% custody, or at the very least he'll be required to have supervised custody.

It’s hard to document - he adamantly says he wasn’t drinking and the charges are just like general 7-11 charge. I’d guess it’s once every 2 weeks he has 3-4 drinks which doesn’t sound like much but for with the mental health meds he’s on (including a benzo) it puts him in like a manic mode and he just has no judgement with the kids (or himself, he’s hurt himself also). He tries really hard to hide it so every time he’s even happy / perky I suspect he’s been drinking. But I’m not sure how or what I could prove to a judge

You don't always need hard evidence. This isn't a conviction, you just need enough to show a judge he's unfit to parent.

Get a notebook you can hide and write it all down.

Your statement, written or not will not be enough to deny custody or visitation to their other parent.

Exactly. This is all well and good for people to be writing, but the truth is that she is in a situation that is not black and white. If she leaves the dad May very well get unsupervised time.

[Anonymous]

you stay until the little one is around 10 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to divorce him and ask that his visitation be supervised and he has to join AA or something.

There's no way she'd get that.

[Anonymous]

When I was married to my XH, my older DD went everywhere with me unless I could leave her with my parents or a friend. It wasn’t easy.