Need advice re: large age gap

[Anonymous]

I have a 7.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. We planned to have kids closer together but this is just the way it worked out. Things had been fine for the first year and DD loved her little brother to pieces but that was when life was normal and DD was in school and other activities. So she really wasn’t home much except for nights and weekends. Since we have been isolating at home it has become very apparent to DD that DS gets much more attention than her and she is extremely upset by it. In addition, she thinks her little brother is very annoying and gets into all over her things, which is true.

Over the past week DD has had a few big meltdowns over all of this and truly feels we have replaced her with DS, don’t love her as much, don’t give her enough attention, and overall that DS has ruined her life and she wishes he was never born. She is right in the fact that he gets more attention and I truly feel awful that she feels this way overall. The reality is that DS needs constant supervision because he is such a daredevil and is relatively fearless, so it’s truly a matter of keeping him safe (our house is child proofed but he still finds no shortage of ways to get into trouble). I do carve out time for DD just the two of us every day but it’s not enough - and it doesn’t compare to the time I spend with the DS (which she is welcome to be part of but frequently chooses not to). DH and I are trying to juggle working from home plus childcare and so many other things and it’s all just miserable. Most of the time we give to DD is around homeschooling because it takes so long to help her with her work.

I am starting to worry that DD is going to be permanently impacted by this and it will also effect her relationship with her brother for years to come. I know she needs more than what she is getting I just don’t know how to make things better.

Is anyone else dealing with something like this? Or have any advice?

[Anonymous]

Heck my brother and I are only 3 years apart and I thought that about him. Ruined my life!

(Spoiler alert: he’s one of my best friends now)

DD isn’t going to be permanently affected by this. Stay at home sucks, everyone is sick of each other and need our usual routines. Esp 7 year olds. But she’ll be okay.

My DH and his sister are 7 years apart. They weren’t particularly close growing up, but are very close as adults. His brother only 2 years younger? They don’t speak. Same with my mom and her sister (6 years apart). Not very close growing up, but grew to be very close as adults (her brother only 1.5 years older? They grew apart when grown). That’s the goal in my book - childhood is the blink of an eye. But if my kids are close as adults, that’s a great gift.

[Anonymous]

I have kids with a very similar gap. I empathize. One thing that helps is that I set aside a half hour for playtime wit( my older one every day. Sometimes this has to be late and it’s not my first choice, but I make sure he gets that time. Second, the older one stays up a lot later, gets a little screen time, and gets dessert. So I emphasize the privileges he gets. Just two suggestions and I look forward to others’ ideas, particularly with a long summer of few activities coming up.

[Anonymous]

My mother could have written this post, minus the pandemic. My sister is six years older than me. Basically the phases were (as Mom tells us): older sis was infatuated with me, treated me as her doll, was inseparable. Then older sis decided she was jealous of all the attention the baby of the family got and was resentful. And lastly (around middle school), pretty much indifferent and had her own affairs/teen dramas to deal with.

I have nothing but happy memories of my childhood even though we weren't terribly close as siblings then.

As adults, we are much closer than we were as kids. We love our shared history and enjoy each others' company.

I think what you are going through would be happening even in a normal life situation, outside of all this stay at home chaos.

[Anonymous]

I don't have anything helpful to add, just that I appreciate this post and the insight it's providing to my future... DD is almost 5 and I'm due any day now. I'm definitely nervous about how she'll react when she is exposed ALL day to the attention a newborn needs. We have been trying to engage her in all of the preparations - eg yesterday we put together a bassinet together, we washed bottles together, etc., and appealing to her sense of being a "helper" (which she's into right now) - but I think she has no idea what's coming for her...

[Anonymous]

To the extent that you can put this in terms that she can understand, you tell her that every person has different needs throughout their lives. Your toddler needs a lot of hands on right now because he's not old enough to take care of his own safety. At other times in their lives, your DD will "need" more, and you will give it.

And then -- "this is a very unusual time when we're all stuck at home all the time. It is what it is. We're all a bit cranky. Suck it up, buttercup."

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. Appreciate the responses. I am sure this would have happened regardless (i.e. the honeymoon phase would have ended) but I feel bad that DD is trapped at home all day everyday and has to deal with it... probably for several more months to come.

I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me and she also resented me growing up, but we are close as adults so there is hope. But, the pandemic just seems to be amplifying everything and I do worry about any long term repercussions.

[Anonymous]

Try to carve out some special time at night after your son is in bed, just for her, with “big girl” activities.

[Anonymous]

Arrange a play date for her and a willing friend outside. Find out a way to corral the younger kid - in a pack and play if needed. I have a child of the same age and am very worried about the ongoing psychological trauma caused by this.

[Anonymous]

It will get better, OP! My oldest is 11, youngest is 4, and they are best buds. My middle 7 year old is the one most frequently left out. Oldest started getting much more interested in his little brother once he was fully talking and could get into pretend games.