Visitation with sibling in daycare

[Anonymous]

DH and I have a 2 year old. DH has two older children with XW, 9 and 6. We have the kids every other weekend. From what they tell us, they have been social distancing a little less rigorously at their mom's house than I'd prefer, but given the limited time we have with them, that calculated risk has been worth it.

Now XW says she thinks 6 has been acting out because he is bored, so she plans to enroll him for the summer in a program at a daycare that has stayed open, starting in two weeks. (She has been furloughed, and her new DH is either on leave or on a reduced remote schedule, so it's not a work issue, which I might be more sympathetic too — DH and I are both still working full-time, and it's difficult even just with the one kid.)

I'm uncomfortable with it, but DH is averse to fighting with XW (and is not so bothered by the idea himself), and I am averse to asking him to stop visits while 6 is in daycare, because DH gets so little time with them already. We left the city to be nearer the older kids and to have more outdoor space, etc., to facilitate us working with 2 at home, but I could take her back to our apartment in the city and quarantine there.

What's the best option? Reduce risk by going back to the city with 2 for the weekends the older kids are here, coming back to split work/childcare once they are gone (and DH hopefully cleans)? Take 2 back up to the city for good, to keep totally isolated from them (but then having to work full-time and do childcare all myself)? Just grin and bear it down here through the visits because we're young-ish and have no known preexisting conditions? I am so on edge lately I don't even know what is rational/reasonable anymore.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Isn't there some kind of Mr. Doubtfire rule that if a parent is seeking childcare, the other parent can have that time? Or did I make that up.

If Ex Wife needs a break from the kid, could you take the kid at your house?

I think otherwise, I'd just grin and bear it. I wouldn't deny your husband access to one kid, because he chooses to see the other kid, and taking the kid away just for the weekend won't protect anyone.

[Anonymous]

You either provide care for the child or the child goes to daycare.

[Anonymous]

Let’s put this in perspective.... if you are worried about the risk of exposure then you’d need to stay in the Apt yourself with your child because your DH will be exposed. How long are you willing to do that for? Is it fair to make DH choose between his DCs? Is it fair to keep the siblings apart from each other? I am very pro-quarantine but in this case, the school is open, the DC is six and I am sure they will take precautions and when DH picks up the DCs....just have him Clorox wipe them down. Suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he moved on pretty fast to New Second Family.

[Anonymous]

Hell no. You will all definitely get covid at some point if she puts the kids in daycare. That is a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all. Asking to take 6 during the day is a good idea I'm embarrassed I didn't think of.

Making DH choose between kids is more stark than I had thought of it, but is of course absolutely right. I definitely do not want to do that. Want to protect 2 as much as possible, but she would also hate to be away from DH (and the other DCs!), and the risk to small children remains pretty low, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s put this in perspective.... if you are worried about the risk of exposure then you’d need to stay in the Apt yourself with your child because your DH will be exposed. How long are you willing to do that for? Is it fair to make DH choose between his DCs? Is it fair to keep the siblings apart from each other? I am very pro-quarantine but in this case, the school is open, the DC is six and I am sure they will take precautions and when DH picks up the DCs....just have him Clorox wipe them down. Suck it up.

This. Or have DH ask exDW if she wants ya'll to take the 6 year old for awhile to giver her a break.

Ya'll will be raising kids together for awhile.

[Anonymous]

No question, you take the kids. I would ask for more time if Mom needs a break. Shouldn't you get them a few weeks or more in the summer? You can hire a high school kid to watch the kids if necessary. Very few camps will be open this summer. Wash everything they get sent with and shower them when they arrive and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he moved on pretty fast to New Second Family.

Mom is remarried so maybe she moved fast first. She took the kids with her and Dad gets limited time so what should he do? She's allowed a new life but he isn't?

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is fine with 6 enrolling in the daycare program, and now wants to enroll our 2 year old in the adjoining daycare program too, so we can work more easily (like many, we've been splitting shifts during the day). If this is an aggressive bargaining position to make me feel better about "just" the 6 year old going, it's working!

[Anonymous]

A few things:
1. You married a man with two children who will always take higher priority than your wants/ needs
2. Apartment have common spaces like hallways/ elevators which are risky
3. The daycare idea is fine stop being a snowflake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is fine with 6 enrolling in the daycare program, and now wants to enroll our 2 year old in the adjoining daycare program too, so we can work more easily (like many, we've been splitting shifts during the day). If this is an aggressive bargaining position to make me feel better about "just" the 6 year old going, it's working!

That makes absolutely no sense to put the 2 year old in day care to humor his ex-wife. Offer to take the 6 year old as much as mom needs. How is this even an issue?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how to resolve this (and OP sounds like she's been pretty reasonable & accommodating). The only thing I have to say is that as a parent of an older kid (7) I definitely think it's true that kids of that age are starting to have a tough time emotionally right now. I am also thinking about loosening up over the summer and have not ruled out summer camps or having a nanny. I don't think you need to retreat to the city apartment. Yes, it's some additional risk, but there's only so much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is fine with 6 enrolling in the daycare program, and now wants to enroll our 2 year old in the adjoining daycare program too, so we can work more easily (like many, we've been splitting shifts during the day). If this is an aggressive bargaining position to make me feel better about "just" the 6 year old going, it's working!

That makes absolutely no sense to put the 2 year old in day care to humor his ex-wife. Offer to take the 6 year old as much as mom needs. How is this even an issue?

DH doesn't think we should take the 6 year old -- he says he wouldn't be able to work enough. Which is also why he would like for the 2 year old to go (though I have no idea if that is even a viable option space-wise at the facility, and in any case he hasn't insisted on it over my objection). So it sounds like 6 will go to daycare. Like others have said, it is what it is, and I've always tended to be over-anxious. My worry now is what happens if the 6 year old gets a fever before a visit, or if someone at the center tests positive or something -- DH says he wouldn't want to skip a visit. But that may not even happen, so worrying about that is over-anxious too.