Advice - discipline for five year old

[Anonymous]

We’ve always done time outs and it’s worked relatively well. In the past few months my daughter is getting more and more defiant when we tell her to go in time out.... hitting, kicking, scratching, sticking her tongue out, running away, etc. she is normally very easy going and well behaved. I’m sure they the changes to her routine aren’t helping but it’s definitely not entirely to blame. Does anyone have advice on the best way to discipline at this age? I am trying not to yell and spank her but I can’t seem to find an effective way to enforce boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Time outs don’t really work for us. We do consequences. Natural consequences when possible. For example, running away would mean she’s has to hold your hand because she’s not responsible enough to walk next to you.

[Anonymous]

Take screen away as a consequence instead, or dessert. Something you can physically control rather than putting her in timeout. I am not anti timeout but it sounds like its not working for you so try something different.

I would also have a talk with her when she is calm about how hitting, scratching, sticking tongue at adult will have a immediate consequence from now on.

[Anonymous]

You have to be really consistent with them and do them nanny style.

[Anonymous]

5 seems really old for a time out. Have you tried a behavior chart?

[Anonymous]

Your DD has escalated her behavior because IT WORKS! You need to watch some Supper Nanny videos. You need to walk her back to her time out spot. Repeat unti she does as she is told. She needs to stay there for 5 minutes then she apologizes to you for whatever she did wrong. Nip this in the bud now.

[Anonymous]

First talk to her and let her know XYZ is going to happen going forward when she behaves this way. If she sticks her tongue out, etc. she will lose an additional privilege. I found saying things like "I can't believe you chose to have dessert taken away!" helped my DS realize the connection between his behavior and the results. Be consistent. If you back down once the battle starts again.

[Anonymous]

How does the advice to walk her back to the time out spot again and again work if she is kicking, scratching, biting, and running away? As a parent of that kid, I've been bitten, scratched, and bruised and a kid eventually too strong to be walked back and held.

A lot of talking about calm down strategies, a return to watching Daniel Tiger, yoga breathing, talking about safe ways to express frustration and feeling mad like punching a pillow in her room or making a big scribble picture or loud music, can help head off the explosions. When it happens anyway? A bit of separation and time and then waiting a while to talk about what happened before calmly stating what the consequence will be (lost tv time or no dessert or taking away toy for a certain amount of time depending on what the issue was).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve always done time outs and it’s worked relatively well. In the past few months my daughter is getting more and more defiant when we tell her to go in time out.... hitting, kicking, scratching, sticking her tongue out, running away, etc. she is normally very easy going and well behaved. I’m sure they the changes to her routine aren’t helping but it’s definitely not entirely to blame. Does anyone have advice on the best way to discipline at this age? I am trying not to yell and spank her but I can’t seem to find an effective way to enforce boundaries.

What kind of things are you disciplining? Maybe some examples can help us give advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve always done time outs and it’s worked relatively well. In the past few months my daughter is getting more and more defiant when we tell her to go in time out.... hitting, kicking, scratching, sticking her tongue out, running away, etc. she is normally very easy going and well behaved. I’m sure they the changes to her routine aren’t helping but it’s definitely not entirely to blame. Does anyone have advice on the best way to discipline at this age? I am trying not to yell and spank her but I can’t seem to find an effective way to enforce boundaries.

What kind of things are you disciplining? Maybe some examples can help us give advice

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts here.... to be honest I can’t even remember what got me to the point of time out today. I know her attitude started when I asked her to bring some garbage from a magazine she tore some pages out of inside to throw away after we went for a little drive to get out of the house. I told her we weren’t going to make cookies since she didn’t help clean up - I feel like something else happened but forgetting now. She has very limited screen time normally (like <1 hr a week) because it impacts her behavior so much, it’s definitely increased to a few hours a day now. I also wondered if she’s too old for time outs - I don’t really have friends with older kids so have no where to turn for advice! I did end up taking things away - I felt bad but first I took her art supplies and when it continued I took her favorite stuffed animal that she’s dearly attached to. It worked, she sat in time out for 10 min which was enough time to calm down and then we talked about anger and things she can do next time when she’s angry that don’t involve hurting me! I just felt like it took way too long to find a privilege that was enough that she cared about to calm down.

Thanks everyone

[Anonymous]

For consequences to work, they have to be reasonable, related, and revealed in advance.

Time outs are not discipline and they're not particularly great consequences. They weren't at 2, 3 or 4 either but maybe you had a reasonably compliant kid (or one who knew she was outmanned and could not inflict the damage she can now) so you weren't given the opportunity to know it, lol.

You have to give this scenario some more thought ahead of time, or while you are in it, to make it work. Condensed, it might look like this:

"Could you pick up those pages from the magazine?"
"No" or silence
"When you have picked up those pages, then I'll be able to make cookies with you."
"No" or silence
"I feel sad, but we're not going to be able to make cookies. We'll try again tomorrow."

If she doesn't care enough about making cookies, or isn't looking forward to it, it won't work. This is where the thinking through part comes in--you have to know what she wants, or is likely to want, enough to understand how it can motivate her in a positive way, not just if it is taken away precipitously.

Taking away things like art supplies and favorite stuffed animals is counterproductive unless they are actively involved in the bad behavior (mess was made with the art supplies, person was hit with the stuffed animal). (TBH I find ways not to take away the stuffed animal even when it comes to that--our kid's stuffed animal is a really important soothing object for him and I don't think I'm ultimately helping myself by depriving him of it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For consequences to work, they have to be reasonable, related, and revealed in advance.

Time outs are not discipline and they're not particularly great consequences. They weren't at 2, 3 or 4 either but maybe you had a reasonably compliant kid (or one who knew she was outmanned and could not inflict the damage she can now) so you weren't given the opportunity to know it, lol.

You have to give this scenario some more thought ahead of time, or while you are in it, to make it work. Condensed, it might look like this:

"Could you pick up those pages from the magazine?"
"No" or silence
"When you have picked up those pages, then I'll be able to make cookies with you."
"No" or silence
"I feel sad, but we're not going to be able to make cookies. We'll try again tomorrow."

If she doesn't care enough about making cookies, or isn't looking forward to it, it won't work. This is where the thinking through part comes in--you have to know what she wants, or is likely to want, enough to understand how it can motivate her in a positive way, not just if it is taken away precipitously.

Taking away things like art supplies and favorite stuffed animals is counterproductive unless they are actively involved in the bad behavior (mess was made with the art supplies, person was hit with the stuffed animal). (TBH I find ways not to take away the stuffed animal even when it comes to that--our kid's stuffed animal is a really important soothing object for him and I don't think I'm ultimately helping myself by depriving him of it.)

Stop bribing.

[Anonymous]

That's not bribery, as long as the cookies were an advance plan. Were they, OP?

[Anonymous]

Praise the good behavior. Works better than giving consequences, not that I totally rule that out but we use it sparingly.

http://www.pcit.org/what-is-pcit.html

[Anonymous]

Yes cookies were planned in advance and was something she was really looking forward to.