Would this make you feel awkward?

[Anonymous]

My DD has become very friendly with a girl in her K class. The parents are extremely wealthy (like sold a company for $100+ million) and every time my DD plays with theirs she comes home with new toys and their play dates are always extravagant - like the mom will hire someone to come over and do arts and crafts or bake with the girls and DD will bring home all sorts of treats and projects. The mom sometimes takes them to a toy store and lets them pick out things they want to play with and my DD will bring home what she picked out. Another time the mom bought the girls pretty expensive matching pajamas and sleeping bags because they were having a pretend slumber party.

The family is actually really nice and not at all snobby or showy - they worked hard for their money and just like to enjoy it and indulge their kids, but I kind of feel awkward about it because there is no way we do the same for their child (I mean we don’t for ours either). First off, we can afford to get DD all of these things but we don’t want to spoil her more than she is already since she has so much and certainly doesn’t need to be getting new toys or clothes every week. Not surprisingly she always wants to go to this friend’s house because she knows they will have tons of fun and she might get something (don’t get me wrong - she and the girl are super close regardless).

Do I just let it go and let DD enjoy the friendship? Would you feel awkward?

[Anonymous]

It just makes me want to go to a play date at their house. Myself, I mean.

[Anonymous]

OP I would feel awkward too. But, I don't think you need to act on that feeling.

I mean, what are your options? Stopping them from hanging out?

I think you should let them be friends and I think you should offer to host so they don't feel taken advantage of. You don't have to do something elaborate for them to have fun. You could have a little tea party with cookies that you make. Or play dress up or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would feel awkward too. But, I don't think you need to act on that feeling.

I mean, what are your options? Stopping them from hanging out?

I think you should let them be friends and I think you should offer to host so they don't feel taken advantage of. You don't have to do something elaborate for them to have fun. You could have a little tea party with cookies that you make. Or play dress up or whatever.

Agree. you can also talk to DD about what she likes about your home and playdates to proactively address any comparisons that she may be making in her head.

[Anonymous]

awkward about it because there is no way we do the same for their child

You need to get rid of that sentence - it's not about that. You are spot-on re: the spoiling, and how you don't spoil your own child to the same degree ... ummm. .. I think you watch your DD for brattiness. If she's not acting entitled to the goodies, I think you're ok. This is just a strange outliner environment.

[Anonymous]

I think that child will be having issues with all of that over-indulgence. That’s not a healthy way to parent your child.

[Anonymous]

They may be very nice but I’d avoid them. We were comfortable living below our means and it was very beneficial for our now adult children. Now we spend a lot and they are very grateful because they really know what things cost.

[Anonymous]

In our circles, we are the ones with money. We have a seven figure income while most of our friends have more modest incomes. I often treat my kids’ friends to outings and I never once thought that this would make anyone feel uncomfortable. We do a mix of just home play dates and outings.

When I was a kid, I grew up poor. I had a friend whose mom would always give me things and buy me stuff. We went to the same church. I always thought that the family pitied me but I really looked forward to my play dates with my friend. I would have wanted to see my friend even if the mom didn’t give me clothes or an old Walkman or whatever. My parents rarely ever took us anywhere and definitely didn’t buy us souvenirs or treats. It was nice to be treated to nice things.

[Anonymous]

Your DD probably doesn't know that the mom hires someone to bake with the kids or do an art project with them. And btw, that's weird.

I'd invite the girl over to my house more.

[Anonymous]

The one thing you have to be sure about in a situation like this is instilling your family values so your daughter understands more and fancier is not necessarily better. You do not want her comparing and feeling inferior. Make sure she sees plenty of reality on the other side, children with nothing and struggling for the basics. Help her understand her own relative privilege. What she is getting there is nice but you are right that it’s not necessarily helpful from a value standpoint of being happy with what you have and looking beyond yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just makes me want to go to a play date at their house. Myself, I mean.

I know, right?

[Anonymous]

Just let your DD enjoy, make sure she says thank you, and keep her in check with reality and what she expects from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let your DD enjoy, make sure she says thank you, and keep her in check with reality and what she expects from you.

+1 and don’t over think the situation. Sounds like you are projecting your financial insecurities on the situation. Someone is always going to be richer, smarter, funnier, better looking, etc... than you are.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the previous posters. This mother is buying her kid's friendships. Tell the mother (as graciously as you can) that you do not permit your DD to bring playdate kid's toys to your home. Of course your child wants to play with wealthy kid because she is always receiving a gift! How will wealthy kid know when she truly has a friend??

[Anonymous]

Funny enough- I have an adult friend like this. I don’t think I can even wrap my head around how much money she has... she hosts “casual” wine nights for girl friends with catered food, custom dessert and expensive take-home gifts for each guest. (I’m talking hydroflasks, fancy face masks, Kate Spade earrings, etc). She always picks up the check when we go to restaurants, and she insists on paying for our Ubers home. I am genuinely good friends with her and feel confident in our relationship, but I have watched so many women take advantage of her generosity over the years. I’ve tried talking to her about how unnecessary it all is but she always counters with “It makes me really happy to spoil the people I love. What’s the point of having money if you don’t share?” I feel like it’s just the way she is, and I have learned to accept and respect it. I do really worry about people taking advantage or being insincere. I also just recently found out that she is a significant donor to a very noble organization and has never once mentioned it! She is a good person who wants to spend her money. ????