The Numbers Game – Quality v. Quantity?

[ddintysons]

I am a divorced man in mid 50s, both kids are out of the house in college or grad school. I recently started dating a divorced woman in her early 50s (Larla) with a son still in high school.

We read DCUM and last night she brought up the posts regarding the number of sexual partners a person has had during their dating life. She asked me what was “my number.” Larla got married later and divorced earlier than I did so my guess was that her number was going to be higher than mine. It was (my number was 9, hers 15.) I shared my feelings on this issue, which are that a person’s history does not matter (outside of STD issues); instead, how a woman treats me now is what matters to me. She agreed.

Then, she started asking me about my dating past, and found out that I only had one girlfriend from my senior year of high school until the summer before my junior year of college (most of my dating was done in grad school.) Larla asked if I regretted not “getting around more” and was surprised when I told her I did not. When she asked why, I told her the truth – I loved my first girlfriend (Karla May) deeply and we had a wonderful relationship that, for me, was better anything else I could have had going on at the time. Karla May was a rape survivor, and it took an incredible amount of courage on her part to trust me enough to have sex. I treasured that trust, and she was great to me while we were together.

Now, Larla wants to know more and more about this Karla May (e.g., why did we break up, did we talk about getting married, did my parents like her.)

To me, it seems that the number of sexual partners might not be as big an issue if someone drills down to find, uncomfortably, that their partner deeply cared about a past lover.

So, ladies of DCUM, would you be concerned if you found out what Larla found out? I realize the answer is for her to let it go; however, she believes most women would want to know more about the “Karla May” in question.

[Anonymous]

I’m 41, married for 12 years and dated my husband since I was 19 so I don’t have much dating experience, and none recent, but your post makes it sound like Larla’s insecure. I know a lot about my DH’s high school gf, but the info came with time.

[Anonymous]

I would hope that my current partner has had some past relationships that were very deep and meaningful. It would be a big red flag if a man in his 50s hadn't had a deep love at any point in his life. She is probably just curious about what you found so attractive in a previous person

[Anonymous]

I can't tell from your post -- is Larla just asking lots of questions out of curiosity or out of jealousy?

If it's just curiosity, I think that's totally normal and fine, and I think by answering her questions, you and Larla can grow even closer.

If Larla seems jealous of Karla May, that would be a little silly and immature.

[ddintysons]

I can't tell from your post -- is Larla just asking lots of questions out of curiosity or out of jealousy?
If it's just curiosity, I think that's totally normal and fine, and I think by answering her questions, you and Larla can grow even closer.
If Larla seems jealous of Karla May, that would be a little silly and immature.

Larla is great and I think its likely 90% curiosity and 10% (or less) jealousy. The question we talked about was if women (in general) would be more interested (or jealous) knowing a man had more lover or one great love over a given time period.

[Anonymous]

I’d be interested—the way he talks about past relationships says a lot about the kind of man he is and how I can expect to be treated.

[Anonymous]

There is no advantage, ever, in revealing your past. You were not obligated to answer the question. You should have avoided it.

[Anonymous]

I'd be curious, too, and would probably be asking questions to get to know you better. I always want to know why a break up ... his choice? Hers? does he still love her? Why, why not? Was it for the best?

For example, you might find out an ex of mine broke up with me, and although I was very angry at him for the breakup, and thought about him for years (and still do, occasionally), I knew it was for the best that although we were best friends we were not living together compatible because of our tolerance for mess, odor, and chaos. But Yeah, I loved him a lot, and still love him in my heart (but wouldn't want to marry him). Would that hurt you to find out that I had other loves?

She wants to know more because she wants to understand you.

[Anonymous]

Same demographic. But never had a conversation like that and don’t want to know frankly. I think you can make some educated guesses about your partner.

[Anonymous]

Just so you know, when you told her your number, she dramatically reduced her number so you wouldn't be hurt or horrified or judgy.

[ddintysons]

Would that hurt you to find out that I had other loves?

Not at all.

[ddintysons]

Just so you know, when you told her your number, she dramatically reduced her number so you wouldn't be hurt or horrified or judgy.

I believe that I would not have cared if her number was much, much greater than mine. Nothing to get hurt, horrified, or judgy about as I love her now.


Like I said in the original post, how she treats me right now is what I care about.

My question was more around how women feel, in general, when knowing that their man deeply loved someone else. I think casual sex does not leave much of an impression on a person.

However, sex with someone you love stays with you a lifetime. Most men are blind to the fact that fact; however, most women know what an impression sex with someone they love makes.

[Anonymous]

1) you both read DCUM.

2) you login to DCUM and post very intimate details of your relationship that would be very obvious to Larla.

3) you’re not anonymous (like I mentioned above)

4) lol

[Anonymous]

My question was more around how women feel, in general, when knowing that their man deeply loved someone else.

If you're mid-50s and you haven't deeply loved at least one other woman, then a woman would surely feel, correctly enough, that there's something really wrong with you.

Since she knows you're divorced, she has to know that was at least one other woman you deeply loved, and who loved you. So, that's good news from her point of view.

On the other hand, if a woman started asking me (a man of 55) a lot of probing questions about my college girlfriend, who I really loved (but never married even though we talked about it), I'd think there was something pretty weird about her. That was over 30 years ago. It's so long gone it's not even in the rearview mirror any more. Asking about my more recent XW would be more understandable.

[Anonymous]

I do think it’s odd that your current girlfriend cares so much about someone you dated like 30 years ago. That is ancient history and she sounds insecure.