The Numbers Game – Quality v. Quantity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no advantage, ever, in revealing your past. You were not obligated to answer the question. You should have avoided it.

Agree 100%. I cannot imagine trying to get into the minutia of my high school/college dating history here in my 50s. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Why you would ever go into so much detail about someone in your very distant past escapes me. And then to have someone grill you about it is just as bad. I have no recommendation except you both need to create some distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be interested—the way he talks about past relationships says a lot about the kind of man he is and how I can expect to be treated.

This. I’d be intrigued. OP, you sound like a keeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be interested—the way he talks about past relationships says a lot about the kind of man he is and how I can expect to be treated.

This. I’d be intrigued. OP, you sound like a keeper.

+1. It reveals a great deal about a person and what they value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be interested—the way he talks about past relationships says a lot about the kind of man he is and how I can expect to be treated.

This. I’d be intrigued. OP, you sound like a keeper.

+1. It reveals a great deal about a person and what they value.

From 30 years ago? Not sure how relevant that is. I think it’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be curious, too, and would probably be asking questions to get to know you better. I always want to know why a break up ... his choice? Hers? does he still love her? Why, why not? Was it for the best?

For example, you might find out an ex of mine broke up with me, and although I was very angry at him for the breakup, and thought about him for years (and still do, occasionally), I knew it was for the best that although we were best friends we were not living together compatible because of our tolerance for mess, odor, and chaos. But Yeah, I loved him a lot, and still love him in my heart (but wouldn't want to marry him). Would that hurt you to find out that I had other loves?

She wants to know more because she wants to understand you.

Man who had no curiosity about what any partner did in the past, unless there was an STD or some kind of abuse or addiction that could affect the current situation.

Your 2nd paragraph is close to one of my stories. The past is the past.

[Anonymous]

ddintysons wrote:I am a divorced man in mid 50s, both kids are out of the house in college or grad school. I recently started dating a divorced woman in her early 50s (Larla) with a son still in high school.

We read DCUM and last night she brought up the posts regarding the number of sexual partners a person has had during their dating life. She asked me what was “my number.” Larla got married later and divorced earlier than I did so my guess was that her number was going to be higher than mine. It was (my number was 9, hers 15.) I shared my feelings on this issue, which are that a person’s history does not matter (outside of STD issues); instead, how a woman treats me now is what matters to me. She agreed.

Then, she started asking me about my dating past, and found out that I only had one girlfriend from my senior year of high school until the summer before my junior year of college (most of my dating was done in grad school.) Larla asked if I regretted not “getting around more” and was surprised when I told her I did not. When she asked why, I told her the truth – I loved my first girlfriend (Karla May) deeply and we had a wonderful relationship that, for me, was better anything else I could have had going on at the time. Karla May was a rape survivor, and it took an incredible amount of courage on her part to trust me enough to have sex. I treasured that trust, and she was great to me while we were together.

Now, Larla wants to know more and more about this Karla May (e.g., why did we break up, did we talk about getting married, did my parents like her.)

To me, it seems that the number of sexual partners might not be as big an issue if someone drills down to find, uncomfortably, that their partner deeply cared about a past lover.

So, ladies of DCUM, would you be concerned if you found out what Larla found out? I realize the answer is for her to let it go; however, she believes most women would want to know more about the “Karla May” in question.

That story would make me think that you are a keeper, with your head on straight.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have never gone into a great deal of detail about former lovers not even the number which in my case was pretty limited. It’s ancient history and I can’t see it as being anything but a downside. I’m far more interested in advancing the state of our sex life which is very good but it’s fun to try new things.

[Anonymous]

Red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

Her questions seem normal to me but as a divorced woman in her mid-40s I personally wouldn’t really think your relationship 25 years ago means anything other than it was part of your history but I see it as a red flag that you volunteered how into your young GF you were...there was no reason to volunteer that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should have shared such personal details of the exGF's life, like that she was a rape survivor, with anyone. What if you and Larla run into that woman at some point? It is inappropriate to tell people something like that, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

My husband of many years is my best friend but there are some things that we don’t share with previous relationships being at the top of the list. He knows the names of a few of the guys but that’s about it. My sex life before him was pretty tame as he was the first man I ever really loved and that unleashed my inner whatever.

[ddintysons]

I don't think you should have shared such personal details of the exGF's life, like that she was a rape survivor, with anyone. What if you and Larla run into that woman at some point? It is inappropriate to tell people something like that, in my opinion.

I think this is an excellent point, as I am from a mid-sized town in the deep south and Larla could have run into Karla May at some point. However, Karla May died of breast cancer about three years ago. Karla was a strong supporter of a rape survivor's rights and the courage she had in addressing this part of her past meant that what had happened to her was not a secret.

[ddintysons]

1) you both read DCUM.

2) you login to DCUM and post very intimate details of your relationship that would be very obvious to Larla.

3) you’re not anonymous (like I mentioned above)

4) lol

The fact that I have and post under a user name Larla knows ensures she is aware of what I am posting. As noted in my original post, the reason I wrote what I did was to find what you, the DCUM reader, thought.

I had no desire to hide what I write from Larla. I only wish to anonymous to the general NoVA public.

[Anonymous]

Pre-husband quantity: three. Quality: not worth noting. In other words, nothing to talk about! But we have been married 28 years and the frequency remains pretty good at about twice a week and the quality is always excellent. Now I have plenty to talk about but never do.