Don't know how to talk about color of skin

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. My son has a teacher who has very dark skin ( I don't know if she is African, African American or Afro-Caribean). He is three. There are a few teachers in the classroom.

If I ask him a question like, what teacher helped you? Or if he tells me a story about what a "teacher" does and I say "Fun! what teacher was it?"

His answer will often be "the black one." We are white. We do not point out people's skin color and he doesn't watch shows that would either.

He gets confused on teachers names being three and some of them are harder to pronounce and I think he just uses this as a short cut.

Is this bad? I respond by saying "You mean Ms. LastName"? And he'll say yes, her!

Do I discourage this? How do I talk about it?

[Anonymous]

She is black, that's not offensive. But you can try to teach him that it's more polite to call people by their names if you know them, than by physical characteristics.

[Anonymous]

No, you don't discourage it.

There is a fair amount written on this if you want to google it. White people teach their kids not to talk about race and pretend to not notice race, which ultimately is a problem. The best thing to do is to talk about it openly and honestly and of course, age appropriately. No, you're not going to get into bigger conversations with your 3 year old about race. But eventually you want to be able to openly talk about race and how race factors into our country's history and current events. So you start by being ok acknowledging and saying out loud there are white and black people in the world.

[Anonymous]

You do the same thing as if he said, the one with orange hair

Oh you mean Mrs. G.

He is learning names, help him.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with "the black one" if he is a black? No need to be so sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Agreed with the previous posters. When my kids do this (ages 7, 5 and 2), I say Oh, you mean Ms. Lastname? I treat it like I would if the kid said something like 'that teacher with teh blue shoes' or 'that teacher with the glasses' or whatever. They are just using descriptions that are visible to them and don't know that it's not the best way to describe people. When they are are older, I tend to say we don't talk about people's bodies - because soon, the kids will use adjectives like fat, tall, skinny, one with glasses - and I'm just trying to get them away from adjectives.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I really don't know. I grew up in a very white community and we had one African American student in our entire high school. None in my grade school.

So I'm probably projecting my own insecurity. I have a fear that I'll sound ignorant b/c we talked about race mainly during BHM or on MLK Day -- not much day to day and the racial issues that exist today.

I want to make sure I'm teaching my kids the right away about how to talk about ethnic background, racism, etc.

If anyone has any books to recommend, I'll take em.

[Anonymous]

Mentioning that someone has a skin color is not offensive. I’ve been in situations where someone was being described to me and the person was so scared to mention she was describing a black person that it was ludicrous when I realized who was being described. I’m a black person and of course people are not expected to be so colorblind they don’t even notice it, lol. I know that you mean well but I suspect you may be one of those people who prefer never to acknowledge that race exists and you do your child no favor with that mentality. I suggest you read that chapter in Nurtureshock about kids and race and also that you pick up some books from the library that have diverse characters. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I really don't know. I grew up in a very white community and we had one African American student in our entire high school. None in my grade school.

So I'm probably projecting my own insecurity. I have a fear that I'll sound ignorant b/c we talked about race mainly during BHM or on MLK Day -- not much day to day and the racial issues that exist today.

I want to make sure I'm teaching my kids the right away about how to talk about ethnic background, racism, etc.

If anyone has any books to recommend, I'll take em.

If someone referred to me as the "black scientist", I would not be offended. That's what I am. I would be more offended that I am the only black scientist in my department.


In terms of books, there's a lot written on this so I suggest you do your research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone. My son has a teacher who has very dark skin ( I don't know if she is African, African American or Afro-Caribean). He is three. There are a few teachers in the classroom.

If I ask him a question like, what teacher helped you? Or if he tells me a story about what a "teacher" does and I say "Fun! what teacher was it?"

His answer will often be "the black one." We are white. We do not point out people's skin color and he doesn't watch shows that would either.

He gets confused on teachers names being three and some of them are harder to pronounce and I think he just uses this as a short cut.

Is this bad? I respond by saying "You mean Ms. LastName"? And he'll say yes, her!

Do I discourage this? How do I talk about it?

Now is a great time to start reading books with diverse characters and even some that talk about how everyone is different, and skin color is one of those things (some people have blue eyes, some people have brown hair, some people have light skin, some people have short hair, etc...).

[Anonymous]

You’re on the right track op by being thoughtful about this and like others have said, it’s really important to talk about. Here is a good book that can help you figure out how to have some of these conversations:

https://thebarefootmommy.lpages.co/antiracist_kids/

Also Your Parenting Mojo has some great podcasts on this.

Here is an introductory one on just the basics of why research supports not taking a “colorblind” approach and how if as white parents we don’t talk about this, our children are much more likely to internalize stereotypes etc: https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/006-wait-is-my-toddler-racist/

That one is more on the “why” and is gears a little towards younger kids. If you scroll down here there are two more specific on talking with your kids about race: https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-tag/culture-race/

These are a good start but the book is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Look up some kids books that talk about skin color. Plenty of books that help out with how to talk respectfully about difference.

[Anonymous]

21:14 pp here and another book that can be helpful depending on the age of your child - this is a children’s book but there is a section for parents in it about how to have these conversations and how to use the book to help you have them. https://www.amazon.com/Something-Happened-Our-Town-Injustice/dp/1433828545

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with "the black one" if he is a black? No need to be so sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Talking about race is good. Your child is a great age to start this. “Mrs A is White. Mrs G is Black.” Acknowledging someone’s race IS NOT RACIST, I have no idea why white people get so hung up on this.