Modeling Relationship Expectations

[Anonymous]

Does your spouse do a good job at modeling what is expected in relationships?

My DH does a very poor job of showing DS what it's like to be a caring husband and father.
It hasn't bothered me as much as it should until right now when it became apparent DH didn't get me anything for valentine's day. Didn't have DS get me anything either.
I'm thinking this is a really bad example but maybe DS will figure it out when he is dating age??

[Anonymous]

I think there are much more important examples and role models than buying chocolate on Valentine’s Day. This is sooo superficial

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are much more important examples and role models than buying chocolate on Valentine’s Day. This is sooo superficial

OP here.. so you're ok with going through your day without anyone saying I love you, mom happy valentine's day! No paper card or any acknowledgment of the holiday at all?

[Anonymous]

If it’s truly a chronic thing, this should bother you even more in the context of the relationship (for your own sake) than as an example. I suspect if this is a real ongoing problem, you have an issue having your own emotional needs and only feel comfortable getting upset about your husband’s behavior toward you when you can see how it might affect your son. I.e., you may only give yourself “permission” to be upset if it is not only affecting you.

Basically, assuming you’re not a narcissist and being a passive aggressive spoiled brat about a heart-shaped box full of stale chocolates— then you should be upset about his treatment of you for your OWN sake. Sure, it’s also bad modeling, but if it’s as you say it is, it’s a lot deeper than that.

[Anonymous]

Why are you trying to use your DC to get what you want from your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to use your DC to get what you want from your DH?

Thank you. I am the long-winded PP above and this sums it up, whether the OP is genuinely being treated poorly or not. She needs to focus on her own actual feelings and not justify what may (or may not) be totally legitimate complaints with imagined or potential effects on her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to use your DC to get what you want from your DH?

OP here.. as PP made mention of above
. I don't need or want stale candies. What I do want is DH to show by example how a boy should be part of a relationship in this culture.DS is a few years away from dating so it is in my radar

[Anonymous]

As a couple, we skip the "expected" observations of various holidays. Yes, when we were dating there was some fun stuff for holidays like Valentines, but once we were married we both felt celebrating Hallmark holidays was both a waste of money and resources. Our kids are perfectly aware of societal expectations on their own, and have stepped up the game when they wanted to play it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a couple, we skip the "expected" observations of various holidays. Yes, when we were dating there was some fun stuff for holidays like Valentines, but once we were married we both felt celebrating Hallmark holidays was both a waste of money and resources. Our kids are perfectly aware of societal expectations on their own, and have stepped up the game when they wanted to play it.

Ok I'm glad he isn't the only kid then. Do you tell them that it's a holiday where where they are expected to do xyz even if they don't see it in their home?

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my male friend’s ex wife. She could NOT accept her own feelings or ever analyze where they actually came from. About 70% of the time, they were deep seated issues from her own childhood or had nothing to do with my friend... but all she knew is that she felt bad, therefore someone must have just caused her to feel bad with some overt action— probably my friend.

The other 30% of the time (IMO) my friend really was partly or, more rarely, completely at fault in some way... but since she couldn’t delve very deeply into causes, effects, emotions, subtexts... she’d make some wildly off base accusation about his behavior and motivations. And he’d somewhat understandably shut down, even though she was right in those cases that he was contributing to the problem... because her assessment of the cause and the way she painted the scenario was just wacky.

She’d have to create a dire, extreme, nonsensical scenario just to feel like her feelings were valid. Feelings are feelings! If she felt sad, maybe that’s nobody’s fault, but she still felt sad, and that’s valid! Or maybe in some case, it was partly because my friend inadvertently made a joke that was hurtful and insensitive! Also valid! But she’d say that didn’t bother her at all, and the actual issue was that he clearly he never loved her and only married her for her money (provably false). ???? Just couldn’t understand how emotions worked at all. Literally said she did not believe in the subconscious and if he had a dream about another woman, that was cheating.

Anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to use your DC to get what you want from your DH?

OP here.. as PP made mention of above
. I don't need or want stale candies. What I do want is DH to show by example how a boy should be part of a relationship in this culture.DS is a few years away from dating so it is in my radar

OP, I am that PP and I don’t gather that you’re following me. This doesn’t sound like it’s about your son, or at least it should not primarily be. You don’t have to justify your hurt feelings by pointing to the SECONDARY effect on your son. You are the primary party here, and if your husband is an insensitive jerk to you, you should be primarily upset about that.

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t YOU modeling that behavior?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're standing on ceremony. Why didn't YOU go up o each member of your family saying "Happy Valentine's Day! I LOVE you!"? Why didn't you say to your husband in January "Are you taking the kids to get me Valentine's Day cards?" and then if he said no, you take them to do it. You teach your kids to be the kind of adults you want to put out into the world.

The very first year your husband didn't get you a valentines day card or gift why didn't you say something to him about it? Didn't the two of you talk before you had kids about how your marriage would be an example to your kids of what kind of relationships they'd grow up to have and the kind of behaviors expected from them and what they should accept from their partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to use your DC to get what you want from your DH?

OP here.. as PP made mention of above
. I don't need or want stale candies. What I do want is DH to show by example how a boy should be part of a relationship in this culture.DS is a few years away from dating so it is in my radar

OP, I'm concerned about similar in my house. I was buying myself birthday cakes until a few years ago because I didn't want our kids to think that everyone besides mom gets to be celebrated. I will say that when I started explicitly expressing what I wanted (a birthday cake that I didn't buy for myself, for example...) he started to step up to the plate a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your spouse do a good job at modeling what is expected in relationships?

My DH does a very poor job of showing DS what it's like to be a caring husband and father.
It hasn't bothered me as much as it should until right now when it became apparent DH didn't get me anything for valentine's day. Didn't have DS get me anything either.
I'm thinking this is a really bad example but maybe DS will figure it out when he is dating age??

Um, what else is critical in your relationship other than if you got some material good for valentine's day? I think all of you need to think about how to model better expectations.