Ever feel like you’ve been having bad dates with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

The other night we went to dinner and had nothing to say. DH and I just sat there in silence. I tried to talk about things I know he likes to discuss but no dice. If we weren’t married I would’ve asked a friend to call and bail me out. Is it a sign that there’s waning chemistry? Especially if this happens too often after many years?

[Anonymous]

We have had off nights (especially if we stick to our promise to not discuss kids/logistics). Are you have good dates too, or exclusively bad ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had off nights (especially if we stick to our promise to not discuss kids/logistics). Are you have good dates too, or exclusively bad ones?

OP here. Mostly what I’d call bad unless there’s alcohol to loosen things up. I used to push more for weekends away or date nights but he never bites.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 20 years and we know each others stories by now, we already know what's happening at work, we agree politically... It can be hard to make conversation sometimes that's not about the kids. I've found it helps to have an interesting activity before dinner. We've done things outside our routine, like an intro partner yoga workshop, a murder theatre, a wine tasting, a ghost tour, etc. Just something a little fun, a little different, interesting. It's not that we don't enjoy each other's company, it's that we've already told each other everything.

[Anonymous]

I find dinners are too much for us. What I prefer is to meet at home in early afternoon for sex, then go out for happy hour drinks, then pick up the kids from school.

But yeah, I have much more interesting conversations with my friends than with my DH. That is just a fact. Luckily he is a very handsome guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find dinners are too much for us. What I prefer is to meet at home in early afternoon for sex, then go out for happy hour drinks, then pick up the kids from school.

But yeah, I have much more interesting conversations with my friends than with my DH. That is just a fact. Luckily he is a very handsome guy.

ANd you like afternoon sex. Lucky for both of you!

[Anonymous]

When I was a waitress in high school, I could always tell when I was waiting on a married couple...because they hardly said a word to each other.

The dating couples (of any age) were always engaged in animated conversation, and gave each other their full attention.

One strategy I have heard is take up a new hobby together (then you will have an activity/focus and the novelty will inject some energy).

[Anonymous]

I don’t think a night or two like that is cause for concern. DH and I always say we can’t control when the romance happens; what matters is just that it at least sometimes happens. So we might get dressed up and go out (for v day!) but few tired and not have a great time, yet on another day we’ll be in the kitchen making pancakes in our pajamas, with the kids all around us yelling and screaming, and he’ll kiss me or grab me to dance or something, and it will feel very romantic.

[Anonymous]

This might sound weird but I intentionally "save up" tidbits from the week to talk about. Like if I see or something interesting, I'll hold off from texting DH and then chat about it on date night or after the kids go to bed. I think we live in a new era where everyone is in constant contact, sees the news immediately, reads social media so you both know what's up with friends and family, and it does take a toll on conversation topics. When all else fails we like to day dream or talk about what ifs- where we want to go on vacation next, will our siblings have more kids, will we end up retiring in the city, will we ever live abroad. It keeps us looking forward to things (even if hypothetical) at leasr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might sound weird but I intentionally "save up" tidbits from the week to talk about. Like if I see or something interesting, I'll hold off from texting DH and then chat about it on date night or after the kids go to bed. I think we live in a new era where everyone is in constant contact, sees the news immediately, reads social media so you both know what's up with friends and family, and it does take a toll on conversation topics. When all else fails we like to day dream or talk about what ifs- where we want to go on vacation next, will our siblings have more kids, will we end up retiring in the city, will we ever live abroad. It keeps us looking forward to things (even if hypothetical) at leasr.

This! NP but we have this issue too. DH and I are in constant communication about most everything throughout the day so it sometimes feels like we have nothing “saved” to talk about it. Great idea - I’ll have to keep this in mind.

[Anonymous]

Do either of you have lives outside of kids? To have interesting conversation you need to be a semi interesting person. We talk about each of our hobbies, work stuff, current events, where we might like to go on vacation, concerts we want to go to, gossip about friends.

[Anonymous]

Marriage sounds like a lot of fun...
Not!

[Anonymous]

Hikes are the best marriage date.

[Anonymous]

XWs shitty childish behavior on dates was one of the signs that the marriage couldn't be repaired because she just didn't care.

[Anonymous]

We've been married a long time and now when we dine out it is usually with friends. We are happily married but dinner on our own is fine, but just not as fun especially when you are spending $150. Same with vacations - it's more fun with another couple.