Advice on possible domestic abuse/homeless scenario

[Anonymous]

I need some advice on how to handle this situation. My girls (6 and 7) are friends with another child (age 6). This child, Larla, lives in the neighborhood and is in the same class as my 6-year-old. I see her at the bus stop usually with her grandmother or grandfather and we are friendly with the family, but they have never accepted an invitation for the girls to play so I haven’t gotten very close. I never thought anything other than they aren’t very social or don’t want Larla at a stranger’s house. I have seen Larla’s mom at the bus stop but she never speaks or gets out of her car – she’s also very young, maybe 20 or slightly older.

Yesterday, my girls were hugging Larla after they got of the bus and crying when they came to me (I wait across the street). They said Larla has to move because her father beat her mother and her grandfather said they have to go away. Apparently, it is the grandparents house. They also said that Larla’s mom doesn’t have any money and she lives in her car now. They cried all night long for Larla and her mom. I 100% believe my girls, this isn’t something that they would make up and they were so distraught I know that Larla told them this story. I also believe Larla is a sweet, kind girl and don’t see a reason for her to lie. Side note- my 6-year old often packs extra food for Larla in her lunch box because Larla buys lunch but is always hungry and sometime falls asleep in class.

My question is what do I do and how can I help? I know I’m a stranger, I don’t have any solid proof to call child services and that could make it worse. I have never witnessed violence, never even saw the dad. The grandparents are kind, always there at the bus stop. I’m just at a loss – for Larla who seems to be in a troubled home and for my kids who now know that children and moms can be hurt. I’m ready to let Larla move in with us but I feel so helpless.

And if your response is to "mind my business" then please tell me how to explain that to my girls. How do I tell them that mommy can't help a friend in need?

[Anonymous]

I would relay it to the school counselor and let them handle it. Tell your kids that you asked another grown up to help.

[Anonymous]

Agree to tell someone at the school. They know who to call and what to do, so they are an excellent way to reach experts. The school might already be aware.

I admire you for wanting to have Larla move in, but it probably wouldn’t be safe for her to be so close to her old house — too easy for her dad to find them and hurt them again

[Anonymous]

Go banshee to get involved and help and let your girls see every single thing. This is the essence of life. This is what people need to step up for.

[Anonymous]

Bring the mom and girl to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would relay it to the school counselor and let them handle it. Tell your kids that you asked another grown up to help.

+1. School counselor, teacher, administrator. Someone at the school will know what to do. Unfortunately they deal with things like this often
—former teacher who had to call police and cps on behalf of students more times than I can count.

[Anonymous]

The girl has grandparents who it seems are stepping up. It doesn't sound like there is an issue for the child, just her parents who it sounds like have a lot of issues. It sound alike grandparents are taking actions and looking out for the child.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the responses. I will reach out to the school counselor and tell my girls that an adult is going to help her.

[Anonymous]

Another thing you can do, if you see the mom, is to give her a note with your number in it, asking her to call you if she needs anything.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for being so caring OP. Yes please don't call CPS, your instinct is right there. There are grandparents looking out for their safety and you have no indication the child was injured (except emotionally of course, don't mean to minimize that). If you want to help, you can reach out to a counselor at school like others have said simply with the intent that you want the counselor to know the family and kids might need extra support. Kids with supportive grandparents, whose parents are having a hard time generally will not be and should not be removed from the home - removal is EXTREMELY, irreparably hard and harmful for kids and is/should only be done in situations where the child's safety is immediately in jeopardy. I know this is hard, but there is no perfect answer in these situations. Removal does not solve the problem unfortunately. If CPS were ever to talk to the family they would likely determine that the grandparents responded appropriately (removing the threat, father, from the home). I know you were not advocating for removal, but you mentioned the child coming to your home and others seem to be insinuating that so sharing a bit of perspective here based on my professional experience. A child being with their biological grandparents even in difficult times has generally been shown to be in the best interest of the child, even when your family could probably provide an overall more stable place.

One option would be to talk to the grandparents - but the risk is, that they may feel embarrassed and tell Larla she shouldn't be talking about these things with others. I think this is a pretty big negative because as a child in a chaotic home, feeling silenced can be really hard and lead to not telling important things in the future. So I see two options:

You can talk to the grandparents at the bus stop in a kind way - my girls told me that Larla's mom is going through a hard time right now, that must be so hard on your whole family and larla is so lucky to have such caring grandparents like you. If I can support you all in any way, please know I am here. I would be happy to take Larla after school a couple days a week - my girls adore her and they would have fun playing together. If that isn't helpful, I could pick her up at the bus stop and drop her at your house, etc. Give concrete things you think you could actually do (and commit to), with consistency. Only have this conversation with the grandparents if you think you can express true empathy, vs judgement/worry.

Or you can simply try to build a relationship with these grandparents at the bus stop - talk with them, show you see them as humans, and see if they start feeling more comfortable so you can slowly be a more supportive force in their and their kids life (being able to take larla after school to lower their burden). Without directly addressing it. I am a big believer in not acting like domestic violence is a private issue that happens in the home so we should let people work it out, I don't agree with that at all - it affects our kids, communities, and we need to talk about it. But like anything it's not completely simple and building a relationship first may go a long way to being able to have conversations later.

The biggest thing you can do is teach your girls that sometimes families go through hard times and it doesn't mean they are bad people, which is sounds like you are already doing. Help your girls process this - the best thing they can do is continue to be an amazing friend to Larla. Talk them through how it hurts us to see others hurting, what are small things they can do to make Larla's day at school better - hugs when she wants them, snacks when she needs them, communicating she is loved and cared for by her friends. These are all really concrete things you and your daughters can do to make a difference in their lives, even though we often can't change the difficult family systems that some children have to navigate.

Also, one important thing you can do is respect the child and families privacy in the sense of not telling other moms about this. It can be tempting because you're feeling distraught about it, but it would likely be coming from a place of pity rather than actually being helpful to them. Kids in these situations don't need everyone's parents talking about them. Not everyone will be as empathic as you and some will judge. And just generally it's about Larla, not you (even though it's difficult for everyone), so her needs need to come first - and having others talk about her is not in her best interest. So just try to be thoughtful about that as you navigate it. You tell one mom and before you know it will be "did you hear about larla?" getting texted all around. Put the child who is dealing with this needs first before your own need that you will probably feel to want to talk about it since you feel upset. If you have already told someone, please reach out and say I thought about it and I really feel I shouldn't be sharing this with others - I'd like to respect larla's privacy with this, please keep this between you and i.

[Anonymous]

It’s also possible the mom is an addict and the grandparents are choosing not to enable her. You just don’t know enough about the situation. School counselor is probably best course.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the mom if you can. Find out what she needs. A helping hand can go a long way in those first weeks of getting out of an abusive situation. It might make the difference between leaving for good and going back in out of helplessness.

[Anonymous]

Also, if you go to the counselor be aware that s/he may be a mandated reporter and this could result in separating Larla from her mom. I would tread carefully. Personally I would try and get them to a shelter for battered women before reporting to authorities, because that might result in more resources and options for mother.

As for taking Larla in, think carefully about what you are capable of committing to and what it means for this family. Details such as time, and what ifs. This is a complex situation with no easy solutions. That doesn’t mean do nothing but be aware of offering something concrete that you can commit to vs acting from impulse.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the PPs seem to be missing that the story Larla is telling is that the grandparents are kicking HER out (or that the grandparents are kicking her parents out and SHE IS GOING WITH THEM). If true, even if the grandparents are acting from a place of love (and likely deep frustration with their daughter and the choices she has made), this means that Larla no longer has grandparents capable of looking out for her on a daily basis.

So, I'd definitely feel like I had to get involved. I'd begin by trying to talk to the grandparents non-judgmentally (since it doesn't seem like they've done anything wrong and they seem to be good people); repeat the story your daughters told you and ask them what the deal is/if there is anything you can do to help.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it.