Advise from people who have had miscarriages

[Anonymous]

I have had two live births and two miscarriages. The most recent one at Christmas. I just found out I am pregnant and obviously it is something I want and have been trying for dreaming out. But I am finding it hard to be excited. I almost feel like hiding it from my husband until first trimester is over. I am so worried and I know nothing I did caused the losses but they hurt (emotionally) each time.

Is it better to pretend like I am not pregnant for a while and see if it sticks or get excited and hope the good vibes help. I had a live birth, miscarriage, live birth, miscarriage. My second live birth pregnancy was awful with stress because I was always worried something would happen. Ugh. Ball of excitement and nerves.

Would love advise for what to do and how to feel. Feeing conflicted.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely share with your husband but keep it a secret from everyone else until you hit 12 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely share with your husband but keep it a secret from everyone else until you hit 12 weeks.

This.

Also does your obgyn have any insight?

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation and ended up keeping quiet about my current pregnancy until after my 20 week ultrasound — of course I told my husband and family beforehand, but did not want to make a bigger issue about it until I had more confidence that things would work out. I am sorry about your precious losses.

[Anonymous]

* previous losses

[Anonymous]

I did not get particularly attached to my fetuses until way after the first trimester anyway. If you're going to miscarry, your body will create that. Good vibes or praying has nothing to do with it. I vote that you tell your husband - it's his fetus too.

I look forward to you coming back towards the end of spring to tell us your fetus is still in there.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat as you and I just told my husband - 2 weeks after I found out. He’s happy but I’m apprehensive. I had 3 miscarriages before a live birth and now that I’m pregnant again our insurance says that it starts the clock over so they won’t even track hcg levels so there’s nothing I can do until the 10 week appointment. I’m thinking of paying for a private ultrasound but I’m 6 weeks now and I don’t know that many places can do it, they all seem to do the 3D ones at 20 weeks or more. No advice just want to let you know that you’re not alone. I won’t tell anyone else until I see a heartbeat and I’m at least 10 weeks

[Anonymous]

I also had 3 miscarriages before a live birth. To get through it, I broke the pregnancy down into manageable chunks (i.e., HCG doubling, heartbeat, first ultrasound, and so on). This helped me focus on the now. I was having to constantly remind myself that any day without bleeding was a good day.

We told family at 14 weeks, friends at 20, and work at 24. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here and thank you.
I think I might wait until 7 weeks to tell my husband. I am right now just waiting for this to be a chemical so not even going In for betas. Have not called my OB. If I get past 6 weeks I will make an appointment and tell my husband. He can’t even make the 8 week appointment as he will be out of town that week for a conference. Was not planning to tel anyone else until 20 weeks.

Thank you for the support and will keep you posted

[Anonymous]

Can the pp with three miscarriage explain what the clock starting over mean? Your insurance will not cover anything because of the miscarriages? I am just trying to figure out what that means. First miscarriage was while I was seeing a RE and was not yet transferred to OB care but did not have any problem getting seconds successful pregnancy covered. Can you explain more? And thanks. Sorry for your losses

[Anonymous]

I have had 3 miscarriages and many rounds of failed IVF. I have decided most of my mini decisions around these pregnancies or potential pregnancies amount to bargaining. I think I have control or the ability to affect thing, guard my feelings, etc but its really out of my hands. And no matter what i did, the losses were equally hard. Treat yourself well and all the best good luck.

[Anonymous]

I had two miscarriages... And I was also a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy. But it didn't prevent me from sharing the news with my close friends, because I knew I would need them for support if I did miscarry again. Plus, as you said, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the pp with three miscarriage explain what the clock starting over mean? Your insurance will not cover anything because of the miscarriages? I am just trying to figure out what that means. First miscarriage was while I was seeing a RE and was not yet transferred to OB care but did not have any problem getting seconds successful pregnancy covered. Can you explain more? And thanks. Sorry for your losses

I'm the PP who wrote this. Basically my insurance, Tricare, said that because I had a live birth after 3 miscarriages they won't treat this pregnancy any differently than a normal pregnancy in a woman with no miscarriages. This means I have to wait until 10 weeks for a doctors appointment. If this turns into a miscarriage and then i get pregnant again, I will have further screening and earlier tests for the next pregnancy. Basically it's like the miscarriages never happened in their eyes.

[Anonymous]

My DH knew of our pregnancy after miscarriage (it was IVF, so he was pretty in the loop!). But we told only close family at 12 weeks, and others probably around week 15-16. I also saw a therapist weekly to get me through the first trimester. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

So I've had three early losses and 2 live births. I went loss-live-loss-loss-live. Just for reference

I always shared with my DH immediately. I needed his support. By the 5th pregnancy we were pretty blase about it. Just kind of seeing the positive test as a step in the right direction, but hardly a guarantee. Each week that went by we were obviously more invested. But the thing is: you can't stop that. You will be a bit invested no matter what. You will be upset and sad if it ends, no matter how you treat it. That helped me. So I'd share with the people close to me if it came up, but I didn't go out of my way to share what I knew I may have to take back.

But I always shared with my DH. Everyone else is up to you.

With my 2 healthy pregnancies I felt pretty good about sharing once I was in the 2nd trimester. But that's because all of my losses were before 7 weeks. So by 13 weeks or so I felt pretty confidant. Yes, there is always a bit of anxiety about what could go wrong. But it lessened with me as the pregnancy went on.