16 year old son and stepdad not getting along

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to do about this situation. I was going out tonight with a friend and just after I left, my husband calls to say he and my 16 year old son are getting into it verbally and it might turn physical. I turned around and went right back home. My son was extremely upset and had put three holes in the wall because he said he was mad and didn't want to hit my husband. I asked why he had gotten so mad, and he sad because his stepdad had started saying crap about his dad and calling him a loser, saying he was going to be a bum just like his dad. I feel my husband was totally out of line because he has no right to say anything about my son's dad, even though he hasn't been the best dad he could be. It's not his place to say anything. All this because my son finished the dinner I had made for everyone because he assumed my husband had already eaten when he fed the younger kids.

My husband is the adult and should behave like one. My 16 year old son is a teenager with raging hormones who already feels bad that his dad is not involved more in his life. He does not want to hear anyone badmouth his dad, especially not his stepdad. I now fear about leaving them in the house together because I'm not sure what will happen if they get into an altercation again. I feel my husband was totally wrong, but I know he won't admit it. He always says how my 16 year old only thinks about himself and does not care about anyone else. Well, that's not exactly how it is, but he is a teenager and some teenagers are that way. I'm not excusing it, but I know how my son is and I remember how I was when I was a teenager. He stays in the basement most of the time anyway, because he prefers it. I don't like the tension in the house and don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Poor you!

A teenager in my DH's family threw fits of rage, insulted his own mother, and purposefully broke some of her belongings... they are both disturbed and I keep telling DH the parents need more psychological help than their child.

In your case, it really seems like counseling (stepdad, you and son?) would be a good idea, if your DH refuses to apologize for criticizing your son's father and saying your son would end up like him. What a terrible thing to say to an already problematic youngster! Maybe the counselor can convince DH he is only fueling the flames and disrespecting your son. Maybe also get to more profound issues of being a stepdad. And it is never too early to get some sense into that child and teach him to think about others! I don't believe teenagers are automatically more selfish than other people and deserve to be treated different.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'd call a family therapist tomorrow. Your husband became that nasty over a teenage boy eating food? That is unacceptable. How long have you been married to this man? Are the younger kids yours or his or yours together? Does your husband speak that way to anyone else? To you? You really owe it to your son to get this straightened out. His dad isn't a great role model or loving figure and you bring this other man into his home and this is how he treats him? How sad for him. This is verbal and emotional abuse and you need to put your foot down.

You might also want to think about talking to a therapist about your taste in men. I'm not trying to be snarky, but neither sounds like a prize, especially as a co-parent.

[Anonymous]

I think family counseling is definitely in order. It has helped our family deal with the extreme stress of dealing with our own situation.

I am a stepmom, and DD's mother is extremely dysfunctional, substance abuse, emotional abuse, subconsciously sabotages DD, you name it. I NEVER say anything bad about DD's mom. I know DD's mom loves her, so my only evaluation of her mom is to keep my mouth shut or affirm to DD that her mom loves her.

If I were to say bad things about the mom, you can bet it would inspire the defense mechanism in DD just as your son reacted the same way. It sounds like your DH might not be objective enough to be convinced this is a good approach, but it is the only one to have in step-parenting- if you can't say something nice, just don't say it.

Your DH needs to learn to be the adult or he might just not be cut out to do this- maybe he needs to completely check out of parenting your son if this is how he is going to react.

Step-parenting when you are standing in for the parent who is not pulling their fair share is one of the hardest gigs out there, but what is even harder is being the kid whose parent is not there for them. For your son's sake, DH needs to invest some time in learning how to get up to the challenge. I'll allow its not easy, but that's no excuse for damaging a fragile young man's self esteem.

[Anonymous]

14:05 here. After reading my post I realized I wanted to add some more in the way of specifics for things to help your son.

What you may also want to do is acknowledge to your son that DH reacted inappropriately by saying those things about his father. That while no one is perfect, you know his father loves him very much. That your son will grow up to be his own person and will not grow up to be just like anyone else, he will grow up to be his own man.

Your son made a good choice by not hitting DH- I would let him know that and reinforce that choice. While it would have been a better choice to not punch the wall, he made a good choice to not hit and I think with tension escalating it might be beneficial to reinforce that decision.

Your son would benefit from counseling even if DH will not go. Our DD has learned some good strategies for having a healthy relationship with mom even without them going together. Your son would probably benefit from something on his own, both in how to deal with your DH and some of the loss he feels over his own dad. It may take some time to click with a counselor, but once the investment is made, its a relationship that can be revisited when things flare up.

You can let him know that you know his dad loves him, and just be supportive of whatever relationship he has with his dad, even if it is not perfect. Validating this for your son may help him feel like it is not him against the whole family. Even if his dad is not perfect, is there a way to foster some type of a positive relationship there? That might make some small improvements to his self esteem.

Good luck. Being there for your son and saying these things to him will be a good start I think. Hopefully DH works with you in this, but if not, there is a lot you can start on your own.

[Anonymous]

14:05 offers some good advice and insights. I too am a stepparent and had a very rocky relationship with my DSS during much of his teen years for a variety of reasons. Blame can be assigned to everyone involved -- my DH, my DSS, his non-custodial bio mom, and quite a bit to me.

Overall, I think I was fairly good about not criticizing his mother and her poor parenting, but on one occasion did snap and did share some true but definitely not for his knowledge information with my stepson about his mother. Was it a mistake? Absolutely, and I knew it the second it came out of my mouth. Did I apologize? Yes. But, it did make me realize that even as the adult in a situation, everyone has their limit/breaking point and I'd emotionally and psychologically reached mine during that altercation. The question was what could I have done to avoid getting to that point in the first place.

I can't say whether the situation with your DH and your son was the last straw for your DH, it doesn't sound like it to me, but I wasn't there. It does sound a little bit to me though like you may be making excuses for your son ("some teenagers are that way"), which may make your DH feel like he can't back down since the two of you aren't a partnership in parenting within your household.

I strongly agree that family counseling is critical. You and DH need to be on the same page. His emotions are just as valid as your son's, the question is how to handle them appropriately. Everyone needs to want things to improve, but make it happen. If everyone is miserable, then there's nothing to lose by trying counseling. Don't know where you live, but we loved our therapist in Falls Church if you want a reference.

[Anonymous]

OP.
Your husband was verbally abusing your son. He said he was going end up like his dad, a loser, right? That was really, really over the top. I think counseling is imperative for everyone here, especially your son. If your husband will not enter family therapy, go on your own. But try to get him to participate in a few sessions. I would make clear that he cannot badmouth your son's father or your son again. Does your husband have children? I wonder if there isn't a book for him to read on adolescence.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for you, OP. Most of all, though, I'm sorry for your DS. I concur with what the PPs have said, especially 14:05. Family counseling would greatly benefit you. You and your DS should go even if you DH won't. Depending on the ages of the younger ones, you may also want to include them. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

If you and your not so DH don't have children together, you may want to reconsider your relationship if he won't go into counseling. Your son needs to be your priority.

[Anonymous]

I agree. That statement (you're going to end up a loser just like your dad) was only intended to hurt, which is the definition of verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree. That statement (you're going to end up a loser just like your dad) was only intended to hurt, which is the definition of verbal abuse.

14:05 here- one thing I didn't highlight, that I think 15:22 did a good job of, is the extreme stress of parenting in these situations. DH shouldn't have said what he said, but before you discount his ability to be up to the challenge, try to recognize what he is also going through. From the information presented, I don't think its fair to call him a verbal abuser, though I think we can agree in that situation it was verbal abuse.

Until you've lived it, you don't know how stressful it is, but it is really hard to maintain one's composure. I haven't lashed out yet (inappropriately at least- I have had the usual parental temper tantrums!) but can't guarantee I'll have a perfect record.

So just try to work with DH, acknowledge how he feels. Though it was wrong what he did, maybe he can recognize that and take steps towards a solution. Maybe he is even willing to admit to DS that he was wrong.

Blended families are a lot of work, and there is a reason the divorce rate is higher. Hang in there OP and if you can post how its been going.

[Anonymous]

OP: I really feel for your son. Your husband was WAY WAY out of line. I would suggest family therapy ASAP. I am sorry for you that you are stuck in the middle, but really, your husband is the one who needs to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I would consider divorce. I would never let anyone talk to my son this way. Teacher, coach, stepparent.

[Anonymous]

How is it going OP?

I think it was a good sign that your husband reached out for help and called you. Are the other kids yours alone or yours and his together? How is his relationship with the other kids? Do he and the boy in question ever have any good time together or is it all butting heads?

I think family therapy could help a lot. I too am guilty of saying out of line things to my own kids sometimes, it's what I grew up with and I work on it every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider divorce. I would never let anyone talk to my son this way. Teacher, coach, stepparent.

I personally think that divorce (i.e. the breakup of a marriage) is a far more extreme step than handling a problem with an outside adult like a teacher or coach.

10:23 asks how the relationship between the two is otherwise. This is important to understand, as is understanding the dynamic between the three of them. The original post says that the DH is always complaining about how self-centered the teen is. Is he complaing to the OP or is he directing this at his stepson? How have the OP and her DH discussed and reached agreement upon parenting within the household and what is appropriate behavior from the children in the household? I agree that her DH sounds like he blew up over something relatively minor and the things he said were out of bounds. Was this a one-off occurrence, or was it the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back or is it a reoccurring problem? What are the behavioral expectations on the young man? Teenagers do tend to be self-centered, but that doesn't mean the rest of the family should just accept that and tolerate whatever attitudes or behavior the teen feels like displaying. 16 is not the same as 6.

OP, please post again and let us know how it's going. Find a therapist, and get your family in there asap. Things can be resolved and improved. It takes time, but in the long run, it really is worth it.