16 year old son and stepdad not getting along

[Anonymous]

OP- I haven't read all the responses but I want to say this: My stepfather would bad mouth my father, tell me he wanted to adopt my brother and I because our father no longer loved us, with my mother sitting right next him. I hated him for that day the rest of my life. And guess what, I still dislike my mother today. I don't hate her, she's my mother, but we're not close at all and never will be. If I were you, I would put my son first, talk to him, tell him you're sorry for what your husband said, and let him know you're on his side. He will resent you, possibly forever, if you don't do something. You're husband was wrong and needs to back off-he's your child.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes everything can't go back to normal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband did it again to my son with me standing right there, as well as our 4 1/2 year old and 22 month old looking on. My husband mouthed off at my son that he was lazy and was going to be a bum like his dad. He started talking bad about his dad again and that's when I had it. I thought I was going to kick his ass myself. I told him to get out of the house and he just laughed. I did end up calling the police because I could tell my son was ready to knock his head off and I think that's what my husband wanted so he could call the police himsef. The policeman that came told me he couldn't make my husband leave but did advice him to go at least for a couple of hours. My husband thankfully left and my son decided he wanted to spend the night over a friend's house.

Now, I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go with 3 children, no job and no money to support us. I know I want to separate from my husband now as we tried counseling and nothing will help his attitude towards my son. He just can't wait until he graduates to kick him out. Well, that is not going to happen. My son was around long before my husband and I am not going to let this man treat my son that way. What in the world am I supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

You're a great mom! I wish my mother would have done what you did. Do you have family in the area? I assume you're a SAHM because of what you wrote but what work did you do before having children?

Keep us posted OP. You have guts!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, OP, I'm sorry it has come to this. You will need to establish child support, you can do that without a lawyer. It's then enforceable, a good thing since your H sounds like he can be a real jerk.

What did you do before you were a SAHM? Do you have friends or family in the area who can help? I'd call the Women's Center in Vienna ASAP, they should be able to offer some good advice and perhaps referrals to affordable attorneys.

I am glad you are getting out. For now, it was your son, soon it might be you or one of the other kids. I'm so sorry but you are a strong and brave mom and your son will always remember that he can count on you.

[Anonymous]

OP, bravo! Not many have your guts. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP - out of curiosity, are either your son or husband competing for control - some type of control in the house or in their respective lives.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what sets them off that they are sparring so much - is lack of respect, resentment, competing for your attention, etc?

Can your husband and son agree to disagree - like make certain subjects off limits no matter what? We all have our vulnerable points, but if you can get the two of them to agree that neither of them will push each other to that point you might find temporary releif. Which is better than none.

You say you've been married for 6 years - is it now that tyour son is a teenager that it's getting ugly or has there always been tension?

[Anonymous]

OP- sounds like you are making the right decision. This is the PP who was acknowledging how hard it can be since I am a stepparent, but I think this sounds extreme.

You are right to take steps to protect your son.

Go to an attorney ASAP. Your son is being verbally abused, and I commend you for standing up for him.

My initial thought is to NOT let DH back in the house, try to maintain control of that and file first for something soon. But talk to an attorney, b/c my initial thoughts are just mine, not necessarily the right approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Can your husband and son agree to disagree - like make certain subjects off limits no matter what? We all have our vulnerable points, but if you can get the two of them to agree that neither of them will push each other to that point you might find temporary releif. Which is better than none.

The teenager shouldn't have to live with DH anymore at this point. Honestly, I don't see the point of establishing off-limits subjects. DH is acting like child himself.

[Anonymous]

OP good luck. Warning: If your husband gets really apologetic and begs for another chance and tears up or even cries, those are the signs of the classic abuser. They want to continue the abuse but not pay for the consequences. (He's verbally abusing your son in my book, going for the jugular by smearing his dad.) Good luck and keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

P.S. Is his father in the area? Can he step to the plate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - out of curiosity, are either your son or husband competing for control - some type of control in the house or in their respective lives.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what sets them off that they are sparring so much - is lack of respect, resentment, competing for your attention, etc?

Can your husband and son agree to disagree - like make certain subjects off limits no matter what? We all have our vulnerable points, but if you can get the two of them to agree that neither of them will push each other to that point you might find temporary releif. Which is better than none.

You say you've been married for 6 years - is it now that tyour son is a teenager that it's getting ugly or has there always been tension?

My son actually has more self-control than my husband and acts more grownup that he does. I think my husband has past issues that he has never dealt with and never will. I'm just beginning to realize how much of a mistake I made marrying him. I think my husband gets jealous when I take my son out for dinner to talk and just get out of the house. I'm now seeing that my husband has the mentality of a child at times and is just a jerk when it comes to my son. He knew what he was going to take on when we got together, knew that I wasn't getting child support and that my son wasn't going anywhere, knew that he would shoulder the financial responsibility for him, yet just recently started ranting about it. He says he doesn't want to leave because of the younger two and doesn't want to "abandon" his children like his father did to him. I'm so over it and DONE. My son just has 1 1/2 more years left of school and then who knows what he'll want to do. I just want my husband gone now!

I don't have family in the area that could help out in this situation. My mother died in 2001 and my dad lives in a retirement community. My only option for leaving at this point would be to go to a shelter. It would be much easier for my husband to man up and leave because he can go stay at his cousin's with no problem. He just laughs and says, "I'm not leaving, you're stuck with me." UGH, he makes me sick!

[Anonymous]

Keep us posted, OP. Thinking of you and your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in MD, VA or DC?

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure the The Women's Center in Vienna can help you with referrals and info regardless of where in the metro area you live.

Good luck to you and your kids OP. My dad was similar and my mom never protected us. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position.