Donor egg and donor sperm

[Anonymous]

Has anyone else used both donor egg and donor sperm? It was not our plan, but became necessary through our infertility journey. If you used donor egg/sperm, how did you explain it to your child?

[Anonymous]

Why not use a donor embryo then?

[Anonymous]

I did. Currently in second trimester. Planning to tell the baby early and make it just a normal part of our story.

[Anonymous]

My clinic (Shady Grove) said they would not do it. They require at least one intended parent to have a biological connection in some way. I wasn’t asking, it just came up. I wonder PP if you had any pushback?

[Anonymous]

Is the sperm quality too poor to do PICSI?

[Anonymous]

This is going to come across as mean spirited but I truly don't want it to be - I just don't understand using both donor egg and donor sperm, at that point why not just adopt a child and save your body the trauma? I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and went through IUI and IVF - it was the single most damaging thing I have ever done to my body. I worry about the cancer implications of some of the drugs I took and what would happen in the future. If we needed both donor egg and sperm, I would just go for adoption. The costs of adoption and the time it takes can be comparable to artificial insemination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to come across as mean spirited but I truly don't want it to be - I just don't understand using both donor egg and donor sperm, at that point why not just adopt a child and save your body the trauma? I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and went through IUI and IVF - it was the single most damaging thing I have ever done to my body. I worry about the cancer implications of some of the drugs I took and what would happen in the future. If we needed both donor egg and sperm, I would just go for adoption. The costs of adoption and the time it takes can be comparable to artificial insemination.

I sort of am wondering that as well. I had a horrible pregnancy and difficult birth that damaged my body permanently. If there is no aspect to the child that is your genetics and you can save yourself the experience of all the invasive rounds and cost of IVF and difficulties of pregnancy and put your funds towards adoption, why put yourself through that? Ultimately it’s the experience of being a parent you want, OP. The experience of pregnancy and birth, while meaningful and important, are very temporary states in the grand scheme of parenting a child for its whole life.

[Anonymous]

It's much cheaper to do Embryo Donation vs Double Donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My clinic (Shady Grove) said they would not do it. They require at least one intended parent to have a biological connection in some way. I wasn’t asking, it just came up. I wonder PP if you had any pushback?

That can't be true because SGF has an Embryo Donation program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to come across as mean spirited but I truly don't want it to be - I just don't understand using both donor egg and donor sperm, at that point why not just adopt a child and save your body the trauma? I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and went through IUI and IVF - it was the single most damaging thing I have ever done to my body. I worry about the cancer implications of some of the drugs I took and what would happen in the future. If we needed both donor egg and sperm, I would just go for adoption. The costs of adoption and the time it takes can be comparable to artificial insemination.

I sort of am wondering that as well. I had a horrible pregnancy and difficult birth that damaged my body permanently. If there is no aspect to the child that is your genetics and you can save yourself the experience of all the invasive rounds and cost of IVF and difficulties of pregnancy and put your funds towards adoption, why put yourself through that? Ultimately it’s the experience of being a parent you want, OP. The experience of pregnancy and birth, while meaningful and important, are very temporary states in the grand scheme of parenting a child for its whole life.

It is incredibly difficult, time consuming and expensive to adopt an infant. There are very few opportunities and those that come up often have major issues attached like prenatal drug and alcohol exposure. Beyond that, it's really not your business how someone wants to build a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My clinic (Shady Grove) said they would not do it. They require at least one intended parent to have a biological connection in some way. I wasn’t asking, it just came up. I wonder PP if you had any pushback?

This is false. I used donor egg and donor sperm at Shady Grove, as did several other people I know. You misunderstood, PP.

My daughter is 3, OP. I have told her her origin story from the beginning. There are lots of great children’s books out there to assist you, and my daughter loves reading them. The kids don’t have any trouble accept this (yet — I’m sure when they are teens they will have an angry phase). In my experience, it’s some adults who have trouble with the concept. Like my mom! Those folks will be your challenges, not your child.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to come across as mean spirited but I truly don't want it to be - I just don't understand using both donor egg and donor sperm, at that point why not just adopt a child and save your body the trauma? I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and went through IUI and IVF - it was the single most damaging thing I have ever done to my body. I worry about the cancer implications of some of the drugs I took and what would happen in the future. If we needed both donor egg and sperm, I would just go for adoption. The costs of adoption and the time it takes can be comparable to artificial insemination.

I sort of am wondering that as well. I had a horrible pregnancy and difficult birth that damaged my body permanently. If there is no aspect to the child that is your genetics and you can save yourself the experience of all the invasive rounds and cost of IVF and difficulties of pregnancy and put your funds towards adoption, why put yourself through that? Ultimately it’s the experience of being a parent you want, OP. The experience of pregnancy and birth, while meaningful and important, are very temporary states in the grand scheme of parenting a child for its whole life.

It sounds like the PP and others are imputing their own values and experiences to OP. You may not think pregnancy and delivery are worth the physical costs, but other women love the experience or don't want to miss out on what they see as a rite of passage. For others, the chance to influence the nature of the child through epigenetic factors is a big incentive.

Also, it is extremely difficult to adopt a healthy infant these days, and even more difficult if the parents strongly prefer to have children with an ethnic or racial background like their own. It can take years and come with many disappointments, aborted placements, etc.

[Anonymous]

Adoption also comes with a high probability of heartbreak. I know multiple people who’ve had more than one failed adoption after the baby was born when the birthmother decided to raise the child. Nobody wants to take a baby away from a mother who wants to raise her so it’s a good outcome in that sense but it’s absolutist devastating to the people who had to prepare to take a baby home and then didn’t.

Obviously fertility treatments come with their own risk of heartbreak. But I think for some people it’s of a type that is easier to bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to come across as mean spirited but I truly don't want it to be - I just don't understand using both donor egg and donor sperm, at that point why not just adopt a child and save your body the trauma? I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and went through IUI and IVF - it was the single most damaging thing I have ever done to my body. I worry about the cancer implications of some of the drugs I took and what would happen in the future. If we needed both donor egg and sperm, I would just go for adoption. The costs of adoption and the time it takes can be comparable to artificial insemination.

NP here. We considered both adoption and donor embryo, but ultimately decided to do neither. Donor egg only wasn't an option because of MFI and I wasn't willing (physically and emotionally) to risk more failed cycles if the sperm was too poor quality. We had a donor via a friend who had leftover embryos from IVF, but there are many Facebook and other private groups for individuals to connect and donate directly without going through an agency.

Cost - donor embryo, especially if you can find a known donor, can be very affordable. Legal fees for the contractual piece, plus the cost of transporting the embryos and the FET(s). That's a few thousand versus $30-60,000 for adoption. If you go through a donor embryo agency, the costs can skyrocket and be comparable to adoption. Some are religiously affiliated and require home visits like an adoption agency, which of course costs thousands and thousands of dollars.

Time - the adoption process, domestic or international, is usually a few years. Donor embryo can take a few months if you aren't going through an agency that adds in many more steps. Even if you do, it would be similar and a wash in terms of weighing pros and cons.

Certainty - after years of infertility, we weren't willing to start a process that could lead to multiple failed adoptions. Talking with people that adopted, this is MUCH more common than you think, especially if you're concerned about ethical issues* and are willing to walk away from situations that don't feel right. Of course a FET could fail, but the odds of a PGT-A normal transfer are pretty good, especially if you have 2-3 embryos to try.

Control of uterine environment - if you read adoption forums, you can pretty much guarantee that most children up for adoption have exposure to less than ideal prenatal conditions - malnutrition and poverty in international adoptions and drug and alcohol exposure in domestic adoptions. Not all, but most. Plus if you're doing anything other than a newborn adoption, that child has suffered trauma from an unstable or abusive home environment, or just from disrupted placements. Embryo donation avoids those issues completely.

Pregnancy/breastfeeding - we had secondary infertility and I felt confident my body could handle pregnancy, and I really wanted to be able to breastfeed again. If you're primary infertility, the desire to experience pregnancy can be significant and is an important consideration. And because you mention the damage to your body from fertility treatments, let me say that we did 5 rounds of IVF and my RE said that it is closer to 10 before the risks of cancer and complications from the hormones start to rise. And a donor embryo transfer is an FET, those are either very low hormones or even natural cycle. Nothing like a fresh stim cycle.

* on the ethical issue point, I was initially really drawn to adoption, but did a lot of research and realized that the ethical issues in international and domestic adoptions are HUGE. I couldn't get my head around participating in a system that has a lot of problems without doing so with my eyes open and doing a lot of extra effort to ensure the adoption was ethical, and didn't feel emotionally prepared to do that after suffering many losses and failures with infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to come across as mean spirited but I truly don't want it to be - I just don't understand using both donor egg and donor sperm, at that point why not just adopt a child and save your body the trauma? I say that as someone who desperately wanted children and went through IUI and IVF - it was the single most damaging thing I have ever done to my body. I worry about the cancer implications of some of the drugs I took and what would happen in the future. If we needed both donor egg and sperm, I would just go for adoption. The costs of adoption and the time it takes can be comparable to artificial insemination.

NP here. We considered both adoption and donor embryo, but ultimately decided to do neither. Donor egg only wasn't an option because of MFI and I wasn't willing (physically and emotionally) to risk more failed cycles if the sperm was too poor quality. We had a donor via a friend who had leftover embryos from IVF, but there are many Facebook and other private groups for individuals to connect and donate directly without going through an agency.

Cost - donor embryo, especially if you can find a known donor, can be very affordable. Legal fees for the contractual piece, plus the cost of transporting the embryos and the FET(s). That's a few thousand versus $30-60,000 for adoption. If you go through a donor embryo agency, the costs can skyrocket and be comparable to adoption. Some are religiously affiliated and require home visits like an adoption agency, which of course costs thousands and thousands of dollars.

Time - the adoption process, domestic or international, is usually a few years. Donor embryo can take a few months if you aren't going through an agency that adds in many more steps. Even if you do, it would be similar and a wash in terms of weighing pros and cons.

Certainty - after years of infertility, we weren't willing to start a process that could lead to multiple failed adoptions. Talking with people that adopted, this is MUCH more common than you think, especially if you're concerned about ethical issues* and are willing to walk away from situations that don't feel right. Of course a FET could fail, but the odds of a PGT-A normal transfer are pretty good, especially if you have 2-3 embryos to try.

Control of uterine environment - if you read adoption forums, you can pretty much guarantee that most children up for adoption have exposure to less than ideal prenatal conditions - malnutrition and poverty in international adoptions and drug and alcohol exposure in domestic adoptions. Not all, but most. Plus if you're doing anything other than a newborn adoption, that child has suffered trauma from an unstable or abusive home environment, or just from disrupted placements. Embryo donation avoids those issues completely.

Pregnancy/breastfeeding - we had secondary infertility and I felt confident my body could handle pregnancy, and I really wanted to be able to breastfeed again. If you're primary infertility, the desire to experience pregnancy can be significant and is an important consideration. And because you mention the damage to your body from fertility treatments, let me say that we did 5 rounds of IVF and my RE said that it is closer to 10 before the risks of cancer and complications from the hormones start to rise. And a donor embryo transfer is an FET, those are either very low hormones or even natural cycle. Nothing like a fresh stim cycle.

* on the ethical issue point, I was initially really drawn to adoption, but did a lot of research and realized that the ethical issues in international and domestic adoptions are HUGE. I couldn't get my head around participating in a system that has a lot of problems without doing so with my eyes open and doing a lot of extra effort to ensure the adoption was ethical, and didn't feel emotionally prepared to do that after suffering many losses and failures with infertility.

I'm the PP and I just wanted to come back to say that I really appreciate your response. I honestly was not trying to be disingenuous. I hadn't considered some of the things that you mentioned so thank you for helping me understand it better.