For those with DH that sucked at baby/toddler age...

[Anonymous]

did they get better with interacting, becoming much more involved and hands as the kids got older? I am the default parent as my work schedule is much more flexible than DH and I also telework twice a week. So I understand that most of the care-giving responsibilities would fall on me. DH does try to help out as best as he can, but more so with the household responsibilities, while I do like 90% of the work of taking care of our almost 2.5 year old toddler. When he does watch our DD, he just plays or read books to her for a few minutes, and then just goes on his phone. I'm so sick of him being on the phone scrolling through facebook or whatever and not giving DD his full attention. I complain to him all the time, but it always end up in us arguing and him basically saying I can't be controlling him.

Also, I think as a result of him not being too hands on with DD, she has always been extremely clingy and attached to me. When I drop her off at daycare, I see so many hands on father there, that I can't help but become so sad that my DH isn't one of them. He thinks he's already doing a good job and that my expectation is too high.

Overall, putting DD aside, he's a pretty decent spouse as he is understanding and supportive of me. FWIW, we are not planning to have a second kid as we are aware of how our only child is affecting our marriage. I'm just hoping that as our DD gets older, he will somehow magically become much more hands on. Otherwise, I feel like I could be a better mom to my DD without DH in the picture (less resentful and maybe happier). Did you find that your DH did become a better parent, despite the early years?

Thank you for sharing your experiences!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:did they get better with interacting, becoming much more involved and hands as the kids got older? I am the default parent as my work schedule is much more flexible than DH and I also telework twice a week. So I understand that most of the care-giving responsibilities would fall on me. DH does try to help out as best as he can, but more so with the household responsibilities, while I do like 90% of the work of taking care of our almost 2.5 year old toddler. When he does watch our DD, he just plays or read books to her for a few minutes, and then just goes on his phone. I'm so sick of him being on the phone scrolling through facebook or whatever and not giving DD his full attention. I complain to him all the time, but it always end up in us arguing and him basically saying I can't be controlling him.

Also, I think as a result of him not being too hands on with DD, she has always been extremely clingy and attached to me. When I drop her off at daycare, I see so many hands on father there, that I can't help but become so sad that my DH isn't one of them. He thinks he's already doing a good job and that my expectation is too high.

Overall, putting DD aside, he's a pretty decent spouse as he is understanding and supportive of me. FWIW, we are not planning to have a second kid as we are aware of how our only child is affecting our marriage. I'm just hoping that as our DD gets older, he will somehow magically become much more hands on. Otherwise, I feel like I could be a better mom to my DD without DH in the picture (less resentful and maybe happier). Did you find that your DH did become a better parent, despite the early years?

Thank you for sharing your experiences!

My DS is five. My DH's parenting strategy is still "here is my phone" and making him chicken nuggets. Blah. Sorry OP. Now, the good news is that DS does T-ball, and DH was really good about that. He didn't coach, but he would take him an hour early and practice skills with him. Hopefully he will do that this season as well. He also takes him to karate and soccer. And he is extremely good about letting DS fail and learn from his mistakes, teaching him leadership, and teaching good discipline. However, those are things that are very specific to my DH so I cannot promise you will have that.

[Anonymous]

I haven't had this experience OP - but I've seen many posts like this before and seen some encouraging posts from others, searching the archives if you haven't already might lead you to some helpful things. I'm sorry you're going through this though - it sounds frustrating. From what I've read and seen in friends, I definitely don't think it's uncommon for some parents to engage far more in the older stages than others though it's not for sure of course. I think the toddler stage can be especially hard on Dads as we just don't give men much exposure with young babies/toddlers throughout their lives.

Since it has gotten frustrating to the point of considering if you'd be better off separated, have you considered talking to a therapist together? Sometimes it can really help to illuminate the other person's perspective in a less threatening way so he can hear you without it feeling "controlling." And I would gently say, that your feelings around thinking you could be a better mom without DH in the picture may be a little idealistic. Remember that he will always be in the picture no matter what, if you are divorced it is far and away most likely that he will get 50/50 custody even though he is far less involved now. it's the way it usually happens now because it is in the best interest of the child and due to child support issues.

If your marriage is generally okay outside of this issue, this sounds like a lot of heartache to put all of you through to address this one issue. You would be away from your daughter half the time which is extremely difficult (especially because you likely won't be thrilled with the care your then ex-husband will provide during that time). And this is not to mention that while divorce is sometimes certainly the right answer, there is just no denying that is it irreparably impactful on kids view of the world, sense of safety, and just incredibly difficult on them. I don't mean to imply that you are taking those things lightly, but I would just make as many attempts as possible to make this work since you described him as a generally supportive partner. The transitions between homes is very hard on kids, though in a high conflict marriage sometimes genuinely what is best - I don't mean to make anyone feel bad on that end, but it's just a reality and I think you have to fully look at the impact on your child vs the current impact of a sometimes distracted dad. Your happiness is important too of course. blerg its complicated huh?

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry. I just cannot imagine the frustration and sadness that this is causing you.

I think that in some cases, fathers like this will get more involved as the child gets older, but in other cases, it may not happen.

I feel like it's safest to set your expectations low. Assume your DH isn't going to change, and work from there.

It sounds like you guys don't have a great dynamic right now. You're nagging; he's defensive.

Thoughts about you going to therapy to work this out?

[Anonymous]

I have a wife that sucked at the infant and baby thing. She was also pretty terrible at the toddler / preschooler thing. She got a lot better when the kids were more independent and were in school all day (so 5ish). Now they are 7 and 9 and it keeps getting better. This is by far the best it has been. She just isn't a natural at it and she doesn't really understand child development so her expectations are way off.

[Anonymous]

Do you allow him to parent for long periods of time without you around? It really sounds like you are just hovering nearby waiting for him to mess up. If you want him to take some initiative as a parent, you can't also tell him he's doing everything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you allow him to parent for long periods of time without you around? It really sounds like you are just hovering nearby waiting for him to mess up. If you want him to take some initiative as a parent, you can't also tell him he's doing everything wrong.

I agree but being on the phone with a good that young for so long is legitimately wrong. Agree that therapy might be in order to change the dynamic and come to an agreement on some ground rules.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't think kids need your full attention every hour of every day. What is she doing when he is on his phone? Playing independently? Setting fires? Honestly, if he plays with her a few minutes, and then keeps an eye on her while she does her own thing...just leave it alone. I would encourage them to do things together, vs telling him how he needs to play with her. As an example, would he be willing to do a swim class with her? Or take her to gymnastics?

You want him to play with her how you would - and that isn't going to happen. How far are you willing to take this?

[Anonymous]

How not to hate your husband after kids

This book was really helpful for me. It’s tough. FWIW a flexible schedule does NOT mean you should take on more childcare.

[Anonymous]

It definitely got better. Thing is you can’t micromanage his interactions without negative repercussions. And you can’t compare your husband/baby dad to others. Where some are strong they always fall short in other areas.

I can’t remember when it got better and we still have our roles - I do medical and school always. But I can tell you 100% for sure that the early years had zero affect on the relationships our kids have with us. Our kids have always been really loved and cared for and that’s what matters. You’re creating trouble where no actual problem exists.

[Anonymous]

Are you a perfect mother, OP?

[Anonymous]

I've been married a long time, and honestly, I think you need to ease up and appreciate the things your DH is good at.

Unless you think he's taking advantage of you as the default parent, housekeeper, chauffeur, etc (and it doesn't sound like the case), I would back off.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the replies. I do think he's not that bad of a husband/father at all and I do see him taking on more responsibilities over time. I do agree I probably need to back off and not make this a much bigger deal than it should be for the well being of the family. He does take on tasks like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, all home maintenance, all yardwork, etc so that I can focus on taking care of DD. He mentioned to me that he feels that it's much more my strength. And I also admit that when he does step in to help, I get annoyed that he's not doing things the way I would want it done, so I do need to lower my expectations as well.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH do anything solo with your DD, like go to the park or library or take a weekend class? I think it s documented that a girl's relationship with her father will set her up with high expectations of men as she reaches her teenage years and beyond. I would encourage your DH to work or their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't had this experience OP - but I've seen many posts like this before and seen some encouraging posts from others, searching the archives if you haven't already might lead you to some helpful things. I'm sorry you're going through this though - it sounds frustrating. From what I've read and seen in friends, I definitely don't think it's uncommon for some parents to engage far more in the older stages than others though it's not for sure of course. I think the toddler stage can be especially hard on Dads as we just don't give men much exposure with young babies/toddlers throughout their lives.

Since it has gotten frustrating to the point of considering if you'd be better off separated, have you considered talking to a therapist together? Sometimes it can really help to illuminate the other person's perspective in a less threatening way so he can hear you without it feeling "controlling." And I would gently say, that your feelings around thinking you could be a better mom without DH in the picture may be a little idealistic. Remember that he will always be in the picture no matter what, if you are divorced it is far and away most likely that he will get 50/50 custody even though he is far less involved now. it's the way it usually happens now because it is in the best interest of the child and due to child support issues.

If your marriage is generally okay outside of this issue, this sounds like a lot of heartache to put all of you through to address this one issue. You would be away from your daughter half the time which is extremely difficult (especially because you likely won't be thrilled with the care your then ex-husband will provide during that time). And this is not to mention that while divorce is sometimes certainly the right answer, there is just no denying that is it irreparably impactful on kids view of the world, sense of safety, and just incredibly difficult on them. I don't mean to imply that you are taking those things lightly, but I would just make as many attempts as possible to make this work since you described him as a generally supportive partner. The transitions between homes is very hard on kids, though in a high conflict marriage sometimes genuinely what is best - I don't mean to make anyone feel bad on that end, but it's just a reality and I think you have to fully look at the impact on your child vs the current impact of a sometimes distracted dad. Your happiness is important too of course. blerg its complicated huh?

I just want to commend you for taking the time to write such a considerate post. You are so encouraging and I bet you're a great friend in real life. And I agree with what you counseled.