For those with DH that sucked at baby/toddler age...

[Anonymous]

I am usually team mom, but it doesn't sound like he SUCKS - sucks is going to happy hour and coming home after bedtime - or just being really neglectful. I'd sign up DD for siwm lessons and make him take her on Saturday - similarly a gymnastics class or take her lunch at subway on Sundays - Let him have his solo unsupervised time to learn how to parent her and you need to go find a hobby on the weekends (even if it's just gong for a run or getting a manicure). This is hoverer to hoverer- back OFF because this won't end well. He sounds like he doesn't feel comfortable parenting her, so he's defaulting to helping with everything else - so time to sink or swim - give him DD and leave him alone. . .

[Anonymous]

Long term perspective: My husband is SO much better at parenting young adults (college kids and beyond) than I am, right down to giving them much better relationship advice than I can!

I think it's because he grew up in a much more functional family than I did. He knows how to advise without smothering people, doesn't take disagreements personally, etc. He was also a military officer and spent a lot of time mentoring young people in the age bracket (17 til early 20's) that our kids are in now.

Honestly, if I knew how great he would be at all of this (and how poorly I would be in comparison), I would have cut him significantly more slack during the baby years. In our case, it really did all even out. I was good at the logistic, packing, schlepping, schedules, routines, naps, etc. when they were babies and he is fantastic at things like helping them find a job. Not an outcome I ever would have predicted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. I do think he's not that bad of a husband/father at all and I do see him taking on more responsibilities over time. I do agree I probably need to back off and not make this a much bigger deal than it should be for the well being of the family. He does take on tasks like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, all home maintenance, all yardwork, etc so that I can focus on taking care of DD. He mentioned to me that he feels that it's much more my strength. And I also admit that when he does step in to help, I get annoyed that he's not doing things the way I would want it done, so I do need to lower my expectations as well.

Girl, bye. I would *maybe* encourage him to take her to a Saturday class, but...you are being unreasonable. He is on his phone because he can't do anything right with your DD.

You will be on here in a year moaning that he wants a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married a long time, and honestly, I think you need to ease up and appreciate the things your DH is good at.

Unless you think he's taking advantage of you as the default parent, housekeeper, chauffeur, etc (and it doesn't sound like the case), I would back off.

+1

also, as a mum I found the baby toddler stage heinously boring. I'm much better with older kids. No one is perfect, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am usually team mom, but it doesn't sound like he SUCKS - sucks is going to happy hour and coming home after bedtime - or just being really neglectful. I'd sign up DD for siwm lessons and make him take her on Saturday - similarly a gymnastics class or take her lunch at subway on Sundays - Let him have his solo unsupervised time to learn how to parent her and you need to go find a hobby on the weekends (even if it's just gong for a run or getting a manicure). This is hoverer to hoverer- back OFF because this won't end well. He sounds like he doesn't feel comfortable parenting her, so he's defaulting to helping with everything else - so time to sink or swim - give him DD and leave him alone. . .

Ugh, what a low bar you have for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married a long time, and honestly, I think you need to ease up and appreciate the things your DH is good at.

Unless you think he's taking advantage of you as the default parent, housekeeper, chauffeur, etc (and it doesn't sound like the case), I would back off.

+1

also, as a mum I found the baby toddler stage heinously boring. I'm much better with older kids. No one is perfect, OP.

+1...I'm a mom, and I hated ages 0-4. My son is 5.5 and DH and I both excel with him. I work on reading with him, taking him to swim lessons, and soccer, while DH takes him to a ski slope almost every weekend, gets him gold lessons, teaches him chores, plays catch...it's more fun with a kid you can converse with.

DH and I both argue over who gets stuck with 3 year old DD. Can't wait for her to be over the whiny toddler phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. I do think he's not that bad of a husband/father at all and I do see him taking on more responsibilities over time. I do agree I probably need to back off and not make this a much bigger deal than it should be for the well being of the family. He does take on tasks like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, all home maintenance, all yardwork, etc so that I can focus on taking care of DD. He mentioned to me that he feels that it's much more my strength. And I also admit that when he does step in to help, I get annoyed that he's not doing things the way I would want it done, so I do need to lower my expectations as well.

Based on this update op I do think it’s more likely to get better than not. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck right now that he doesn’t love it, but it sounds like he does a lot which makes me think he’s more likely to get engaged when your dd gets to an age he can better relate to. As others have said some just suck at the toddler years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. I do think he's not that bad of a husband/father at all and I do see him taking on more responsibilities over time. I do agree I probably need to back off and not make this a much bigger deal than it should be for the well being of the family. He does take on tasks like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, all home maintenance, all yardwork, etc so that I can focus on taking care of DD. He mentioned to me that he feels that it's much more my strength. And I also admit that when he does step in to help, I get annoyed that he's not doing things the way I would want it done, so I do need to lower my expectations as well.

Based on this update op I do think it’s more likely to get better than not. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck right now that he doesn’t love it, but it sounds like he does a lot which makes me think he’s more likely to get engaged when your dd gets to an age he can better relate to. As others have said some just suck at the toddler years

I also think that may be true. He doesn't sound checked out of family life. When my kid was little I would leave him with dad while I grocery shopped and cooked (with headphones in) it was and is some of their best bonding times. I had to give them the opportunity to bond "unsupervised"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. I do think he's not that bad of a husband/father at all and I do see him taking on more responsibilities over time. I do agree I probably need to back off and not make this a much bigger deal than it should be for the well being of the family. He does take on tasks like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, all home maintenance, all yardwork, etc so that I can focus on taking care of DD. He mentioned to me that he feels that it's much more my strength. And I also admit that when he does step in to help, I get annoyed that he's not doing things the way I would want it done, so I do need to lower my expectations as well.

for me it's not even lower expectations it's just understanding that my husband is going to have a different relationship with my daughter than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a wife that sucked at the infant and baby thing. She was also pretty terrible at the toddler / preschooler thing. She got a lot better when the kids were more independent and were in school all day (so 5ish). Now they are 7 and 9 and it keeps getting better. This is by far the best it has been. She just isn't a natural at it and she doesn't really understand child development so her expectations are way off.

Passive Aggressive post. and thus so lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies. I do think he's not that bad of a husband/father at all and I do see him taking on more responsibilities over time. I do agree I probably need to back off and not make this a much bigger deal than it should be for the well being of the family. He does take on tasks like cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, all home maintenance, all yardwork, etc so that I can focus on taking care of DD. He mentioned to me that he feels that it's much more my strength. And I also admit that when he does step in to help, I get annoyed that he's not doing things the way I would want it done, so I do need to lower my expectations as well.

Good grief he does the cooking, grocery shopping and laundry? Seriously, every single week for weeks and months and years? Not just after you nag him to death? Then that is a LOT.

Now, you need to start having him responsible for her for several hours at a time. As in, starting to go to the gym, or taking a class, or whatever every Saturday morning from 9-12. He will then start to develop his OWN relationship with her that is outside of you being there, judging, staring, etc. Believe me, a 21/2 year old isn't going to just fend for herself while he plays on is phone. He'll have to interact with her IN HIS OWN WAY - take her to the park, play with her, do painting or playdough if that's his thing, whatever. He needs to figure it out, and he will. You could talk about it - you know what, you're right. When you are with her I'm always there, and it will feel like judging. I'll start doing the grocery shopping on Saturday mornings and you hang with DD. Or we'll take turns doing the grocery shopping on Saturday mornings and the other one will be with DD. Start slow, every other, and then that can grow into more. OR - he thinks and creates a very special Saturday (or Sunday) morning ritual and routine. He and DD get up and "let Mommy sleep" and they go to the coffee shop for breakfat, then the playground - make it something only he and DD do together that he can make his OWN - not trying to do it "like you would"