Anyone else's spouse have a knack for coming home at the exact time you started doing something...
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Anonymous
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and they jump to the conclusion that you've been doing it much longer than you say you've been doing it?
I don't really know how to explain this, but DH has a knack for "catching" me right when I start doing something like talking to a friend on the phone or sitting down to watch a TV show I DVR'd. For instance, I typically talk to my best friend once a day on the phone. I might have just gotten a million things done when she'll call and I'll stop for a minute to chat with her and DH comes home or comes downstairs or whatever and rolls his eyes that I'm "always talking to Larla" when that's the first time all day I've talked to her because we operate on different work schedules. Or the kids will finally be in bed and I find myself with an hour to relax before bed and sit down to watch a show I DVR'd and DH will come downstairs and make a comment about how I'm "watching that show again?". For context--although we both work full time, he's in sales and is *constantly* on the phone with people about things that sometimes are directly about deals but mostly are about work politics, other people at work etc. He will make and take calls pretty much at any point in the day except for if we're eating a meal together as a family (but he'll answer to say he'll call them back). I overhear a lot of the calls, so I know it's not all directly work related but a lot of times it's tangentially work related. Basically there's a double standard. *He* can talk to people constantly on the phone, but my one phone call per day constitutes that I'm "always" talking to Larla because he witnesses it happening once a day. At night If I sat around waiting for him to watch something together I would end up waiting around forever while he talks to someone or wraps something up that's work related. But he gets annoyed because he wants to talk with me (usually about his work stuff) at those times, so I think that's why he makes comments about it because in his mind I'm choosing to talk to a friend or watch TV over talking with him, but those are literally the only times I'm doing something for myself and I'm not going to sit around waiting for him to finish with his stuff when he is *constantly* doing his stuff. DH is a very involved dad and we do about equal amounts to make the household function. He does more of the logistics type stuff like errands and laundry, and I do more of the caregiving stuff, but I can't complain that he doesn't pull his weight. I've tried talking to him about the fact that he's jumping to conclusions about how I'm "always" doing XYZ just because he witnesses the one time per day I talk to Larla, or the few times per week I sit down to watch a show that only I want to watch. But it's getting to the point that I am starting to avoid doing those things to avoid being "caught". Like if I'm talking to Larla on the phone and I hear the garage open I will tell her I have to go because DH is home since I don't want him walking in and seeing me on the phone because then I'll have to hear a comment about it. But I still don't know how he manages to catch me "in the act". It's like he has a sixth sense! A lot of it is just a timing coincidence, but I don't like feeling like I'm doing something wrong by talking to a friend or sitting on the couch or watching a TV show only I like to watch, and I really don't like that I'm finding myself changing my behavior to avoid hearing about it from DH. How can he just not understand that it's just a timing coincidence and just because he sees me doing something doesn't translate to me doing it all the time? And even if I was doing it all the time, why is there a different standard for himself than for me? |
Anonymous
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You could do your fun stuff before your chores, so all he sees is you hard at work, but I would just bite his head off. |
Anonymous
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This happens to us probably 2-3 times a week. DH has never rolled his eyes at me or made any assumptions. At least not that I've ever noticed or he has mentioned.
Your DH sounds a bit ridiculous. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, tell him if he continues to judge so ridiculously and ride your a$$ so much that you are self-monitoring and jumpy you will divorce him. Life is short. |
Anonymous
+1 Even if you talked to your best friend a lot or watched a TV show every night, what's his problem? I'd stay on the phone and just flip him off when he rolled his eyes. |
Anonymous
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So you generally talk to your friend at the same time each day which happens to also be the time when your husband comes home. And? So what? You are allowed to talk on the phone.
You also turn the TV on after the kids go to bed every Monday to watch the Bachelor. He has noticed this. Again, so what? I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see why you feel jumpy or guilty about him commenting on your routine. Is he implying you should be doing something else with you time? |
Anonymous
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My husband does this too, OP. If it’s with the kids, he will turn off the video game or television because they have been on it “all day.” Once I explain that it’s actually only been ten minutes, then he will turn it back on again.
I don’t know what it is. I think he sees himself as working so much harder and having a much more difficult life than anyone else. |
Anonymous
| Yes, as soon as I start pleasuring myself, she walks in the door... |
Anonymous
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Same! Like when I settle down to read DCUM, here comes my DH. Ha. He never says anything, though.
In your circumstance, I would own it and act like it’s acceptable (since it is). After your call, say “oh Larla cracks me up, I love our daily chats.” Regarding your shows, say, “I’m so happy, this is exactly what I want to be doing right now.” Do not accept the premise it’s wrong. Reject any criticism. Use humor. If he seriously continues to be critical after he sees your newly confident self, then say, “you’re critical of my down time, which is very precious to me, and I need you to stop. It is starting to feel controlling and I’m uncomfortable with it.” Hopefully it won’t come to that! |
Anonymous
| OP here. I've been thinking about it and I think it's more along the lines of DH wanting for me to be available to talk to him at the exact moment he wants to talk to me, even though that's a narrow window of time for him and isn't always at a predictable time. So he gets frustrated when I'm doing something else other than sitting around waiting for him to become available at the exact time he wants my attention. So then he exaggerates his response to whatever I'm doing due to his frustration and it comes out as belittling. |
Anonymous
| Work before play. If that's the case there should be in problem. |
Anonymous
does she join you or does she roll her eyes? 
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Anonymous
The eye rolls come as we're finishing. |
Anonymous
ha! |
Anonymous
| Make a joke of it. "Yes, Jason, you caught me. I have been sitting on the sofa for the last 2 hours." |