when friends fall away

[Anonymous]

When a former BFF ostracizes your DD, and tells people she's mean and her behavior is toxic, do you:
1. focus on making new friends (former BFF was never a favorite of mine)
2. Try to find out why and mend fences
3. Ignore the situation--this is the end of middle school and high school is a whole new ball game?
All are immature 14 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a former BFF ostracizes your DD, and tells people she's mean and her behavior is toxic, do you:
1. focus on making new friends (former BFF was never a favorite of mine)
2. Try to find out why and mend fences
3. Ignore the situation--this is the end of middle school and high school is a whole new ball game?
All are immature 14 year olds.

1 with a dash of 3

[Anonymous]

1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe, but if they're no longer simpatico, why force it? Tell you daughter to be friendly to the old BFF, but move on and make new friends. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

To an extent, yes. But, it also lets the one doing the ostracizing and talking behind backs, etc. off the hook. That person needs to learn to act like the big kid/near adult they probably presume themselves to be, rather than being a little jerk themselves. That is not how grown ups, and certainly not friends, treat one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

What an idiotic idea. You think any teen would do this? Were you ever a teen yourself? No way will this happen nor would it turn out well if one did ask this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

What an idiotic idea. You think any teen would do this? Were you ever a teen yourself? No way will this happen nor would it turn out well if one did ask this.

+1 If exBFF is mean, initiating this conversation will make it 10 times worse for your DD. I’m a middle school counselor and see this frequently. Your DD needs to sever ties and put 100% of her energy into other friendships. It will be hard but it’s absolutely necessary.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your DD about possible behaviors they have shown and how not to repeat them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

To an extent, yes. But, it also lets the one doing the ostracizing and talking behind backs, etc. off the hook. That person needs to learn to act like the big kid/near adult they probably presume themselves to be, rather than being a little jerk themselves. That is not how grown ups, and certainly not friends, treat one another.

The sad thing is some women do treat eachother this way. You can even read it on DCUM. The mean mommies in mommy and me or the neighborhood clique or whatever. Some of even the nicest ladies I know will sometimes talk behind someone's back though it a much more constructive way. I do agree though she needs to learn what a friend is and how she should behave.

That said, I think it matters if this is a pettern. If it keeps happening there may be an actual social skills issue. When I worked with middle schoolers sometimes moms were convinced their daughter was innocent and the mean girl calling her "toxic" or whatever was an evil bully. Sometimes the "victim" was actually quite cruel. Back then we even had evidence of an incredibly cruel note an "innocent victim" had written to bully another girl. This was before Snapchat and all of that. The mother of the "victim" ripped everyone a new one for implying her daughter was anything, but innocent...until at her own home she witnessed some awful behavior by her daughter at a sleepover when her daughter didn't know mom was watching. This is not blame the victim. This is just to say be careful about assuming another child is pure evil. If this is a pattern and you feel your daughter keeps getting dumped I would suggest getting help. I would also solicit feedback from teachers, the counselor etc. Don't be accusatory. Just be diplomatic and try to find out if your own child is doing anything cruel.

[Anonymous]

pattern...whoops. I am sure there are plenty more typos. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

friendships end. that's normal (so 2 is wrong).

focus on protecting your daughter from a toxic person and help with the new friends (making your house welcoming and driving).

[Anonymous]

You give your daughter the options and let her decide. This is one of those really sucky life lessons that she needs to learn how to handle.

[Anonymous]

Time to move along. Best for MS girls to have multiple activities with different friend groups (eg, sport with group a, religous school activity with group b, music or dance or chess or SOMETHING ELSE with group c). This way if on the outs with one group, they still have friends! MS is tough, but hang in there - now in HS and so much better!

[Anonymous]

Time to move on. Someone who acts that way is a waste of your daughter’s time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a former BFF ostracizes your DD, and tells people she's mean and her behavior is toxic, do you:
1. focus on making new friends (former BFF was never a favorite of mine)
2. Try to find out why and mend fences
3. Ignore the situation--this is the end of middle school and high school is a whole new ball game?
All are immature 14 year olds.

1 with a dash of 3

+1.

Especially since the former BFF wasn't a favorite of yours, this sounds like a blessing in disguise. I get that DD is probably hurt and mourning this friendship, but she'll find a new bestie soon. Hugs to mom and DD!