when friends fall away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

To an extent, yes. But, it also lets the one doing the ostracizing and talking behind backs, etc. off the hook. That person needs to learn to act like the big kid/near adult they probably presume themselves to be, rather than being a little jerk themselves. That is not how grown ups, and certainly not friends, treat one another.

The sad thing is some women do treat eachother this way. You can even read it on DCUM. The mean mommies in mommy and me or the neighborhood clique or whatever. Some of even the nicest ladies I know will sometimes talk behind someone's back though it a much more constructive way. I do agree though she needs to learn what a friend is and how she should behave.

That said, I think it matters if this is a pettern. If it keeps happening there may be an actual social skills issue. When I worked with middle schoolers sometimes moms were convinced their daughter was innocent and the mean girl calling her "toxic" or whatever was an evil bully. Sometimes the "victim" was actually quite cruel. Back then we even had evidence of an incredibly cruel note an "innocent victim" had written to bully another girl. This was before Snapchat and all of that. The mother of the "victim" ripped everyone a new one for implying her daughter was anything, but innocent...until at her own home she witnessed some awful behavior by her daughter at a sleepover when her daughter didn't know mom was watching. This is not blame the victim. This is just to say be careful about assuming another child is pure evil. If this is a pattern and you feel your daughter keeps getting dumped I would suggest getting help. I would also solicit feedback from teachers, the counselor etc. Don't be accusatory. Just be diplomatic and try to find out if your own child is doing anything cruel.

Man, the level of excusing the mean behavior is really over the top. Can what you say be true? Yes, of course. Is it usually? Sorry, no.

[Anonymous]

I would do 1 and 3. Other posters raise good points about seeing if this is a pattern with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

To an extent, yes. But, it also lets the one doing the ostracizing and talking behind backs, etc. off the hook. That person needs to learn to act like the big kid/near adult they probably presume themselves to be, rather than being a little jerk themselves. That is not how grown ups, and certainly not friends, treat one another.

The sad thing is some women do treat eachother this way. You can even read it on DCUM. The mean mommies in mommy and me or the neighborhood clique or whatever. Some of even the nicest ladies I know will sometimes talk behind someone's back though it a much more constructive way. I do agree though she needs to learn what a friend is and how she should behave.

That said, I think it matters if this is a pettern. If it keeps happening there may be an actual social skills issue. When I worked with middle schoolers sometimes moms were convinced their daughter was innocent and the mean girl calling her "toxic" or whatever was an evil bully. Sometimes the "victim" was actually quite cruel. Back then we even had evidence of an incredibly cruel note an "innocent victim" had written to bully another girl. This was before Snapchat and all of that. The mother of the "victim" ripped everyone a new one for implying her daughter was anything, but innocent...until at her own home she witnessed some awful behavior by her daughter at a sleepover when her daughter didn't know mom was watching. This is not blame the victim. This is just to say be careful about assuming another child is pure evil. If this is a pattern and you feel your daughter keeps getting dumped I would suggest getting help. I would also solicit feedback from teachers, the counselor etc. Don't be accusatory. Just be diplomatic and try to find out if your own child is doing anything cruel.

Man, the level of excusing the mean behavior is really over the top. Can what you say be true? Yes, of course. Is it usually? Sorry, no.

This isn't about excusing mean behavior. It is about gathering data and seeing the whole picture. You get more info talking to teachers, counselors, etc. It could be mean girl stuff, or it could be a girl with her own issues reacting to some poor treatment. There are 2 sides to a story. You know one. If it happens once that is one thing, but if this is a pattern where the girl is always "innocent" and the other kids are always "awful" then you need to look further and see if there are the daughter is doing something to provoke or if there is a social skills issue. Middle school girls can get offended really easily and they can lash out when offended. It's the rare middle school girl who will say "Larla, it really hurt my feelings when you did X." Instead after a few instances, she decides Larla is "toxic" and she gets her friends involved. They all need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1, but it actually useful to get feedback. This is a crazy age, but if she is distraught and it has happened before, may be helpful to work with a therapist and see if it is worth trying to calmly get input. "I was sad to hear you find me toxic. It would be helpful to know what i did to upset you as that was not my intention>" I know people are rolling their eyes all over the place and assuming I don't know this age group. I do. Sometimes the friend is just a mean girl. Sometimes our daughters really are doing things that repel others and the pattern could continue over and over through adulthood. If it's the first time, no big deal. If she keeps losing friends, it feels better to blame the world, but sometimes our kids are really are doing things to upset others which can range from not showing empathy, giving looks that offend others, gossiping, acting superior, being overly competitive or being too bossy.

To an extent, yes. But, it also lets the one doing the ostracizing and talking behind backs, etc. off the hook. That person needs to learn to act like the big kid/near adult they probably presume themselves to be, rather than being a little jerk themselves. That is not how grown ups, and certainly not friends, treat one another.

The sad thing is some women do treat eachother this way. You can even read it on DCUM. The mean mommies in mommy and me or the neighborhood clique or whatever. Some of even the nicest ladies I know will sometimes talk behind someone's back though it a much more constructive way. I do agree though she needs to learn what a friend is and how she should behave.

That said, I think it matters if this is a pettern. If it keeps happening there may be an actual social skills issue. When I worked with middle schoolers sometimes moms were convinced their daughter was innocent and the mean girl calling her "toxic" or whatever was an evil bully. Sometimes the "victim" was actually quite cruel. Back then we even had evidence of an incredibly cruel note an "innocent victim" had written to bully another girl. This was before Snapchat and all of that. The mother of the "victim" ripped everyone a new one for implying her daughter was anything, but innocent...until at her own home she witnessed some awful behavior by her daughter at a sleepover when her daughter didn't know mom was watching. This is not blame the victim. This is just to say be careful about assuming another child is pure evil. If this is a pattern and you feel your daughter keeps getting dumped I would suggest getting help. I would also solicit feedback from teachers, the counselor etc. Don't be accusatory. Just be diplomatic and try to find out if your own child is doing anything cruel.

Man, the level of excusing the mean behavior is really over the top. Can what you say be true? Yes, of course. Is it usually? Sorry, no.

This isn't about excusing mean behavior. It is about gathering data and seeing the whole picture. You get more info talking to teachers, counselors, etc. It could be mean girl stuff, or it could be a girl with her own issues reacting to some poor treatment. There are 2 sides to a story. You know one. If it happens once that is one thing, but if this is a pattern where the girl is always "innocent" and the other kids are always "awful" then you need to look further and see if there are the daughter is doing something to provoke or if there is a social skills issue. Middle school girls can get offended really easily and they can lash out when offended. It's the rare middle school girl who will say "Larla, it really hurt my feelings when you did X." Instead after a few instances, she decides Larla is "toxic" and she gets her friends involved. They all need help.

Since they were BFFs, I would encourage her to try to work it out, maybe it was some, small misunderstanding. Close friends are worth the effort.
If they were just casual friends, then ignore and move on.
I would take the same paths as an adult.