Has verbal abuse shattered your ambitions?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been receiving verbal/emotional abuse from my mother for many years now. I didn’t think it was that bad until I look at my life now. I’ve never envisioned my future to be like this. Friends don’t recognize me now.

I graduated 2 years ago. I was very ambitious and had dreams of beginning my career and being successful. As usual, received insults, put downs, name calling, etc. One day, my mom lashed out at me for approx 5 minutes. She was yelling and swearing at me. Telling me I was a loser, etc. Then she ended by telling me that I’ll get nowhere in life and I’m useless. Also, I’m good for nothing. These words stung soo bad. It left a huge wound in my heart that hasn’t completely healed. As soon as I heard that, my future ambitions went out the window.

I kept replaying these words in my head. It’s like it defined me and I confirmed to that label.

Now, I’m unemployed and have no motivation. My ambitions are gone. People think I’m lazy and refuse to work. However, that’s not true. I have low self esteem, which in turn makes me feel crap about myself, which hinders me from setting goals. I want to know if someone has been through something like this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're the perfect candidate for therapy. Are there other people in your situation? Absolutely. I grew up with a somewhat abusive mother and it def. ruined my self esteem and caused other issues. I knew the only way to stop letting it impact me was to get help. And I did, and it wasn't easy. But I'm amazed at the progress I have made.

[Anonymous]

OP, at some point you have a responsibility for your own life. I'm sorry your mother is so cruel but it's you who is responsibility for not fulfilling your ambitions. Blaming her for your being unemployed does not wash.

[Anonymous]

Prove her wrong! Get help now and rise above her! Good Luck to you. You can make this happen. Cut contact with your Mother, get help and move onward and upward. Peace.

[Anonymous]

You are giving her this power.

You are also using her as a crutch and excuse.

YOU are in charge of your life, your relationships, your body, your career, your pursuit of mental health resources, the thoughts you entertain in your own head.

You can explore therapy or simply no contact with your mother.

But as an adult, at the end of the day, you are in charge of your life. You don't get to blame your lack of ambition or pursuit of a good life on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you need therapy and you need to recognize that you have the power to interact with this person and you need to use that power to limit contact with her and cut her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been receiving verbal/emotional abuse from my mother for many years now. I didn’t think it was that bad until I look at my life now. I’ve never envisioned my future to be like this. Friends don’t recognize me now.

I graduated 2 years ago. I was very ambitious and had dreams of beginning my career and being successful. As usual, received insults, put downs, name calling, etc. One day, my mom lashed out at me for approx 5 minutes. She was yelling and swearing at me. Telling me I was a loser, etc. Then she ended by telling me that I’ll get nowhere in life and I’m useless. Also, I’m good for nothing. These words stung soo bad. It left a huge wound in my heart that hasn’t completely healed. As soon as I heard that, my future ambitions went out the window.

I kept replaying these words in my head. It’s like it defined me and I confirmed to that label.

Now, I’m unemployed and have no motivation. My ambitions are gone. People think I’m lazy and refuse to work. However, that’s not true. I have low self esteem, which in turn makes me feel crap about myself, which hinders me from setting goals. I want to know if someone has been through something like this.

What’s this “people think I’m lazy” thing slipped in there?

Please get therapy and a neuropysch. Things like ADHD or level 1 autism can be helped with meds and/or behavioral therapy. In the history such people were called stupid and lazy, or totally enabled, or Darwin took care of it.

[Anonymous]

Low self esteem because you mother calls you out on what exactly? What is the underlying issue here? Yes your mother needs to step out of the picture, and likely cares deeply about you and your success as an adult, but there may be an underlying issue here that needs help. Anxiety, low self esteem, depression are due to this underlying issue that needs addressing, by you.

[Anonymous]

Your mother needs to realize that yelling is not the way to get through to you nor motivate you to get it together. What is the best way to get though to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her this power.

You are also using her as a crutch and excuse.

YOU are in charge of your life, your relationships, your body, your career, your pursuit of mental health resources, the thoughts you entertain in your own head.

You can explore therapy or simply no contact with your mother.

But as an adult, at the end of the day, you are in charge of your life. You don't get to blame your lack of ambition or pursuit of a good life on someone else. [/quote

Very true.

What's probably happening is this: You may have ADHD or some other disability that is hindering your ability to succeed to your potential. Your mother, despite the lack of diagnosis, probably intuits that difference in you and out of ignorance, anxiety on your behalf, or embarrassment that you're not successful enough, lashes out at you in an effort to make you more functional. This has the opposite result, and here you are.

So first you should do some research and figure out whether you have something (other than a verbally abusive mother!). If you believe you may have issues, get yourself to a psychologist for an assessment, and then if there is a diagnosis, work with a psychiatrist (if meds are involved) or therapist to make yourself more functional.

ADHD runs in our family. My mother didn't know why I was slow, inattentive and prone to daydreaming, but definitely yelled at me for it because she worried about me. It wasn't until my son was diagnosed with severe ADHD that I realize I had it too. Of course your situation may be completely different, but just in case you're like us (and it could be a learning disorder, or anxiety or depression, not ADHD), I wanted to share this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her this power.

You are also using her as a crutch and excuse.

YOU are in charge of your life, your relationships, your body, your career, your pursuit of mental health resources, the thoughts you entertain in your own head.

You can explore therapy or simply no contact with your mother.

But as an adult, at the end of the day, you are in charge of your life. You don't get to blame your lack of ambition or pursuit of a good life on someone else.

Very true.

What's probably happening is this: You may have ADHD or some other disability that is hindering your ability to succeed to your potential. Your mother, despite the lack of diagnosis, probably intuits that difference in you and out of ignorance, anxiety on your behalf, or embarrassment that you're not successful enough, lashes out at you in an effort to make you more functional. This has the opposite result, and here you are.

So first you should do some research and figure out whether you have something (other than a verbally abusive mother!). If you believe you may have issues, get yourself to a psychologist for an assessment, and then if there is a diagnosis, work with a psychiatrist (if meds are involved) or therapist to make yourself more functional.

ADHD runs in our family. My mother didn't know why I was slow, inattentive and prone to daydreaming, but definitely yelled at me for it because she worried about me. It wasn't until my son was diagnosed with severe ADHD that I realize I had it too. Of course your situation may be completely different, but just in case you're like us (and it could be a learning disorder, or anxiety or depression, not ADHD), I wanted to share this information.

[Anonymous]

There is no reason to keep up this relationship with your mother.

[Anonymous]

1. Go to therapy and figure out a plan.
2. Your mom is human. What she did is shit, but she's human, chances are this is how she was talked to as well. My mom was verbally and physically abusive my whole life because she was an abused child. Some of the damage will never heal, but I've worked really hard on this so I can move forward best I can.
3. Talk to yourself as the child that needed validation and love and give that child those things. Your mom failed, but you don't need to continue that cycle.
4. You don't need to cut her off, but you also don't need to continue this relationship in its current forms. Just stop reaching out/engaging with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes abuse —in any form— can delay someone reaching their potential. There can be lasting effects, like complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). It’s ok to acknowledge that you’ve been hurt and to mourn the things the abuse has taken from you.

But, as much as you didn’t cause this, it’s solely in your hands to steer the future in a different direction. And by doing so, you will reclaim your sense of power and worth. There are good treatments available, including EMDR, CBT, DBT, and inner child work. I also highly recommend group therapy for this type of experience. It is so useful to find out you are not alone and to see how other people in your shoes have set healthy boundaries for themselves. Many groups are virtual or message-board based, making it easier to get help when you need it. Therapists can often recommend resources that will be a good fit for your needs.

Wishing you the very best. I believe that we all have it within ourselves to do the work to achieve a better tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no reason to keep up this relationship with your mother.

This exactly. Cut her out and go live your life, you are not a prisoner.