Help me! How to curb not picking fights for petty reasons ?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what is going on, but sometimes I get irritated and pick fights for pretty petty reasons.
For example, today my husband put our kid down for a nap AFTER told him he didn’t need a nap and that he had already one.
He still went ahead and tried putting our son down for nap. Well, our son didn’t nap. What did happen though was that he had soiled his diaper.
I had to put diaper cream on his bum because it was red. The poop had dried on. I told my husband this and he got defensive stating he had changed his
diaper prior to putting him down for a nap. Then, a few hours later while I’m ordering some needed items and my husband is following our son around, my husband stops to get something and our kid goes to the living room, and I swear I see him put something in his mouth. I tried getting it out but then I didn’t see anything so I stop. A few minutes later he wanted to nurse, and he bites down hard not once, but twice. I see something white in his mouth and it’s a piece of cotton. Of course I got annoyed and told my husband had he watched him like he was suppose to be wouldn’t have put crap in his mouth. My husband gets defensive and takes our kid upstairs. I’m not sure why I choose to act like that. There is a better way to deliver my concerns.
This isn’t the first time that I act like this. I get snippy and irate for small things. I am nursing. Our son is turning 1 in a few weeks.

Any tips?

[Anonymous]

You're probably tired. Can you book a night away and just get some sleep and relax? After that, learn to let things go.

My mom was a lot like you. While there are certainly things that need to be said (for instance the fact that your DS put something in his mouth) there are ways of saying it that won't come off as snippy or accusatory.

I'm 33, it is something I still struggle with with my mom. She has valid points at times and had them growing up, but I was so used to feeling on the defense around her, that my automatic reaction was defensive and it was never constructive.

You guys may need some therapy to help work through this communication issue. It takes a lot of effort to learn to let things go on your part and a lot of effort for him to learn how to not automatically go on the defense.

[Anonymous]

If your behavior continues you won't have to worry about your DH anymore because he will bail.

Then you can be a single parent and see how that works for you. You won't have to snipe at anyone, then.

[Anonymous]

You want to curb picking fights. You don't want to curb not picking fights. Your title is misleading.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I don’t have much advice just want to offer support.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would talk to your doctor or a therapist about being screened for anxiety and depression. Both of those can lead to the pattern of behavior you describe, and are not uncommon in parents of young children.

[Anonymous]

Is your mother like this as well? Are you turning into your mom?

[Anonymous]

you need to see a Dr. and get a prescription for a sedative. you will not like it but you are high strung and the problem here

[Anonymous]

You need to get screened fordepression.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have random cotton laying around your house?

[prettylittlething]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have random cotton laying around your house?

Seriously? Babies put anything and everything in their mouths. It could have come from anywhere.

[Anonymous]

You are probably coming off as more critical than you perceive yourself and your husband is growing exasperated with it -- hence the defensiveness.

My recommendation is to embrace a couple of maxims:

1) You are not in charge. This is a partnership. He is not your employee and you don't direct him.

2) Closely related: You can ask him to do something or tell him how to do it, but you should never do both as it will only brew resentment.

Agree with the recs for anxiety/depression screening and understand that to some degree this can be a byproduct of exhaustion. So, yes, get some rest and consult a doctor.

And maybe some therapy or parenting classes so you can learn to co-parent productively without setting up some dynamic where you are Queen Bee and everything has to be done to your specifications. That's a recipe for conflict and ultimately divorce.

[Anonymous]

another piece of advice - its a lot harder for fathers to bond with their children in the first year since babies are so heavily dependent on mom/nursing for most family dynamics

I found (i also have a history of depression and anxiety) that i was picking fights similar to this with my husband, because I was already doing so much - and i did it very well - and i would get frustrated that he didn't do it "as well" as me, instead of focusing that he did it INSTEAD of me having to do it (does that make sense?)

i found that setting aside some time (the goal is just a an hour or two each weekend) where it was father-child time WITHOUT ME AROUND (very important!) was really helpful. It helped HIM grow more confident in his ability to care for the child, it helped me grow more confident in his care and appreciate that HE was doing it instead of ME (as opposed to critiquing HOW he was doing it) and it also gave me time away for self-care which improved my mood

be kind with yourself, these are common challenges that new parents face, but if you don't look for solutions (which it sounds like you are doing!) it can also become the death knell for a marriage

[Anonymous]

You sound petty. Don't be petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are probably coming off as more critical than you perceive yourself and your husband is growing exasperated with it -- hence the defensiveness.

My recommendation is to embrace a couple of maxims:

1) You are not in charge. This is a partnership. He is not your employee and you don't direct him.

2) Closely related: You can ask him to do something or tell him how to do it, but you should never do both as it will only brew resentment.

Agree with the recs for anxiety/depression screening and understand that to some degree this can be a byproduct of exhaustion. So, yes, get some rest and consult a doctor.

And maybe some therapy or parenting classes so you can learn to co-parent productively without setting up some dynamic where you are Queen Bee and everything has to be done to your specifications. That's a recipe for conflict and ultimately divorce.

Honestly if women could just embrace this half the posts on this forum would be gone. If my husband wants to do something I let him do it his way. If he fails then what’s the big deal? Try again or fix it and he learned. I don’t understand these women who try to control everything the husband does. This is so accurate—he’s not your employee. He’s an autonomous spouse and parent.