HS senior anxiety issues and lying — how to approach

[Anonymous]

My DC applied for and was invited to interview for a scholarship program at one of her top choice schools. She applied to the scholarship program thinking it was a long shot, but she got invited to interview which is great. The school is about 2 hours from home.

She has always struggled a bit with social anxiety and is in therapy, but it’s mostly been fine and not overly interfering with her life.

She left her email open on our home PC and I’m nosy, so I glanced over her inbox (I know I know) and saw that she got an invite to interview at this really cool program. It was a whole day thing with tours, panels, interviews with faculty, plus a dinner and social hour at a restaurant. She replied to this email: “Dear Dr. so and so — after careful consideration I have recently committed to a different college and will not be at the interview day. I would like to remove myself from consideration for this scholarship. Thanks, Larla.” UMM, what?! She hasn’t committed to any college (in fact she’s only heard back from one of the seven she applied to). So I talked to her about it.

She admitted that she was too nervous about the whole thing, particularly the three hour dinner/social at the end of the day. “I’m too awkward”; “I’ll look like a fool,” “I wouldn’t have gotten it anyway.” “It’s not worth it.” She basically admitted that she was just going to lie to me and tell me that she wasn’t invited to interview for the program and that would have been that. She also said that she is fine with formal interview but the less formal events like dinner with faculty and students are “too overwhelming” and scary.

I’m kind of seething that she threw away this chance getting a scholarship to a special program at a school she wanted to go. She said that she still really wants to go to this school and be part of the program but “just can’t do” that interview day. Mostly, I’m sad for her. That her anxiety and nerves have gotten so bad that she’d do something like this, and that she hasn’t been forthcoming about it.

[Anonymous]

Op, how bad do you need the money? This may just be collateral damage that you need to accept.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she needs more therapy. The issue is not the lying at this stage. The issue is that she can't handle normal things that cause a little anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, how bad do you need the money? This may just be collateral damage that you need to accept.

Money not an issue. The main draw of the program is the opportunities.

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to let her therapist know (with her consent, of course). Also, is it possible that she isn't ready to go away to school yet? That she may be academically ready but not socially ready? I'm only (gently) asking b/c I have a similar anxious child and s/he is currently considering deferring and taking a gap year to stay home, work and become more emotionally ready to go away to school.

[Anonymous]

I would never be able to do that and would have done the same thing . Even now in my 30’s no way .

[Anonymous]

She can still be in the program, right? She can still enroll, right? Best if she hadn't been untruthful to the scholarship people regarding this, but if permanent damage hasn't been done to her enrolling and being in the program --- let it go. Tons of people miss out on opportunities. Not all of them have something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can still be in the program, right? She can still enroll, right? Best if she hadn't been untruthful to the scholarship people regarding this, but if permanent damage hasn't been done to her enrolling and being in the program --- let it go. Tons of people miss out on opportunities. Not all of them have something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.

No, the program and the scholarship are one in the same. If you’re accepted into the program, you’re awarded the scholarship. And you have to do the interview to get into the program.

She could still go to the school, though, I guess.

[Anonymous]

I’d be more concerned she did not tell you.

She sounds worried about your reaction.

She did tell them she’s in somewhere else which is an odd excuse given you said she still would still go there if she got accepted.

I think there might be more to this.

She could have just told them she had a prior engagement. Maybe she panicked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need to let her therapist know (with her consent, of course). Also, is it possible that she isn't ready to go away to school yet? That she may be academically ready but not socially ready? I'm only (gently) asking b/c I have a similar anxious child and s/he is currently considering deferring and taking a gap year to stay home, work and become more emotionally ready to go away to school.

That is possible, and I have thought about it. But she seems really excited about it and eagerly sent off her applications, so IDK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she needs more therapy. The issue is not the lying at this stage. The issue is that she can't handle normal things that cause a little anxiety.

I don't think this type of high stakes interview is a "normal thing" at all. Lots of seniors would have a lot of trouble with this type of all day interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be more concerned she did not tell you.

She sounds worried about your reaction.

She did tell them she’s in somewhere else which is an odd excuse given you said she still would still go there if she got accepted.

I think there might be more to this.

She could have just told them she had a prior engagement. Maybe she panicked?

It was probably an unusual situation for her, and she didn't know how to turn them down.

She was feeling anxious and just wanted to whatever she could to avoid the anxiety which is totally understandable. She didn't tell mom or dad because she feared they'd try to make her go or make her feel bad about not going. Let her know you will help her figure stuff out next time.

[Anonymous]

I would turn down a job that required that kind of interview process! As a shy introvert that is my idea of hell. I’d pass on it. As a teen might I lie to get out of it? Yeah, I probably would have if the alternative was my mom all in my business trying to get me to do it, or worse, being worried and disappointed.

[Anonymous]

honestly this sounds nerve-racking to me and I’m a grown woman! I would encourage your dd to bring it up with her therapist.

[Anonymous]

Does she hide things from you regularly?