Men in sexless marriages: why is the idea of open marriage not on the table?
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Anonymous
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Recently I happened to run into an ex BF from many many years ago. Says his wife won’t have sex anymore. Apparently when he tries to initiate, she says “find someone else!”
He wants to cheat on her. With me. I said he should just ask for an open marriage esp since she told him to find someone else, but he won’t. He has had an affair in the past. His wife suspected it but he didn’t ever admit it. I called him a coward for not discussing the possibility of an open marriage with his wife. He says he isn’t a coward. I said he’s a cheater and he responds that I don’t understand his situation and that I shouldn’t be so judgemental by using the word cheater. What an a**hole. He kept making overtures towards me. Finally I ghosted him. Men in unhappy marriages who “can’t” divorce: are you too cowardly to ask for an open marriage? Why do you sneak around and cheat instead of being honest and asking to open up the marriage? Your lines “I don’t want to hurt her” “you don’t understand my situation” are BS. Why can’t you handle the problem in an emotionally mature way? |
Anonymous
| So you are down to be the other woman and are all riled up because you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. |
Anonymous
| My wife says similar things to that man's wife. I offer her the chance to sleep with other men and open the marriage and she says she doesn't want to. She doesn't want an open marriage because she doesn't need me out on public dates or embarrassing her. In her word, no diseases, no pregnancies and she better not find out. |
Anonymous
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I was in a sexless marriage that eventually led to divorce. Neither party cheated (with the "that I know of" caveat).
It is extremely easy for a typical divorced dad who is nothing special but has a good career and keeps in good shape to date attractive women and have sex during the 50 percent of the days you don't have the kids. On the flip side, if you that applies to you but you are with your family 100 percent of the days but have an "open marriage" it is very difficult to find someone. That is your main answer, OP. |
Anonymous
Yes, cheaters like this are cowards. That’s the whole point. He’s just telling you crap, btw. He’s likely still having sex with his wife. He just wants to sleep with you too. |
Anonymous
| I agree. If you are unhappy in a sexless marriage, declare it open. |
Anonymous
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You know the answer. They want to be seen as the all-American classic married man. They might have jobs where the guys who climb the ladder tend to be the "mature" marred men (yes, this still exists, though no manager would ever admit it). They might work for the in-laws. Or need the wife's income to help pay off husband's debts, so the wife is an ATM. Or have kids and fear losing them once they ask for that open marriage and the wife dumps their idiot a$$es and they'll have to (shudder!) be a single dad on a few weekends. They don't want to admit they're failing at marriage because they've never failed at anything (in their own minds). Most of all they want to play the perfect guy in public.
Oh, and they're really good at spinning the "my wife won't fulfill my neeeeeeds" story. Why do you take what he's telling you at face value and assume he's telling the truth? Because he admitted he'd had one affair? Because you've met the wife and she seems so cold, and he's so sad? You're getting played. |
Anonymous
No, divorce. |
Anonymous
Asking seriously: Why remain married? "For the kids"? Finances? Is there any love or companionship or mutual interests left? So she's giving you the green light to have affairs. As long as you don't "embarrass" her. Do you both own a business together and a divorce would create issues there? Or you need to both care for a chronically sick child or...? I don't get why people in this situation stay together, otherwise. |
Anonymous
| Because unless they want to get a divorce, it's easier just to cheat. Cowards and poor communicators. |
Anonymous
Let the abnormal sexless wife be the one to divorce. |
Anonymous
| Why doesn’t he just tell you that he has an open relationship with his wife? Why is it ok, in his mind, to lie to her but not to you? |
Anonymous
Not being snarky, but you really can't think of any reasons not to divorce? Here's mine: I like seeing my kids every day, I don't like the idea of splitting holidays, putting them on a custody schedule, the risk of my ex wife bringing new men around them, selling their house, having trouble getting two houses in same school district, finances, one kid has mild special needs, potentially losing friends from social circle. Those are the obvious ones. We rarely fight, it's not warm but it's not cold. Occasionally, it's playful but not sexual. We still both enjoy travel, have same parenting philosophies. It's fairly seamless, other than the lack of sex which of course is a huge void for me, not sure for her. Finally, doesn't she get agency in this? Why can't my wife decide she would rather look the other way than endure the list of headaches that I listed above that come with divorce. it works now, if it doesn't later, then we can always split. I will be fine, I have a good job, am tall, attractive, never had trouble dating. I hang in for the above and for the kids. If that makes me a coward in some anonymous posters eyes, that's their insecurity. |
Anonymous
You do realize that whoever starts the process, both people end up equally divorced, right? Or are you scared of losing the house and paying support? |
Anonymous
Not the pp, but my thought is the divorce is permanent and public. Maybe they are hoping things will get better. And maybe they will. Maybe they don’t want to expose all of their problems to the world. Maybe they are Catholic or Mormon and getting divorced is frowned upon, someone will be blamed, and they will lose a lot of friends. Maybe they both have tons of resentment toward each other, and they want to trap the other to punish him/her for their sins. |