Men in sexless marriages: why is the idea of open marriage not on the table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. If you are unhappy in a sexless marriage, declare it open.

No, divorce.

Let the abnormal sexless wife be the one to divorce.

You do realize that whoever starts the process, both people end up equally divorced, right? Or are you scared of losing the house and paying support?

Yes. The end is same. But INITIATING the divorce is the hardest part. Let the abnormal sexless one take that step. Over something unimportant like sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says similar things to that man's wife. I offer her the chance to sleep with other men and open the marriage and she says she doesn't want to. She doesn't want an open marriage because she doesn't need me out on public dates or embarrassing her. In her word, no diseases, no pregnancies and she better not find out.

Asking seriously: Why remain married? "For the kids"? Finances? Is there any love or companionship or mutual interests left?

So she's giving you the green light to have affairs. As long as you don't "embarrass" her. Do you both own a business together and a divorce would create issues there? Or you need to both care for a chronically sick child or...? I don't get why people in this situation stay together, otherwise.

Not being snarky, but you really can't think of any reasons not to divorce? Here's mine: I like seeing my kids every day, I don't like the idea of splitting holidays, putting them on a custody schedule, the risk of my ex wife bringing new men around them, selling their house, having trouble getting two houses in same school district, finances, one kid has mild special needs, potentially losing friends from social circle. Those are the obvious ones.

We rarely fight, it's not warm but it's not cold. Occasionally, it's playful but not sexual. We still both enjoy travel, have same parenting philosophies. It's fairly seamless, other than the lack of sex which of course is a huge void for me, not sure for her.

Finally, doesn't she get agency in this? Why can't my wife decide she would rather look the other way than endure the list of headaches that I listed above that come with divorce.

it works now, if it doesn't later, then we can always split. I will be fine, I have a good job, am tall, attractive, never had trouble dating. I hang in for the above and for the kids. If that makes me a coward in some anonymous posters eyes, that's their insecurity.

I'm not the OP and didn't call you a coward. I asked genuinely. I asked if "for the kids" was a motivation to stay married and you said yes. Sorry you took the questions as somehow mean. I do wonder if you and your wife have attempted any couples therapy/sex therapy so you don't feel you have to go outside the marriage and so she learns why sex is so important to you (and why she is so uninterested). Maybe you did, and it was a bust. I'm sorry if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t he just tell you that he has an open relationship with his wife? Why is it ok, in his mind, to lie to her but not to you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Because sex = endorphins = feelings of love

Open marriages are risky because it’s extremely likely that the DH will fall in love with, or think he’s fallen in love with, whoever he’s having sex with on a regular basis.

It’s not a mystery why this is a problem.

[Anonymous]

1. Well, first I think that it's easier said than done. If my wife and I had an open marriage, I don't have the first clue about how I'd find an affair partner.

2. When people are in sexless or low-sex marriages, the problem isn't just about being too horny. It's about being rejected by the person you love. People want to feel loved and desired by their partners. Finding a stranger to bang may not meet their partners.

3. The partner doing the rarely sees it as a conscious decision to stop having sex with their partner. They usually will say they're not supported enough, too tired, etc. Thus, they're not going to see themselves as doing something that justifies going outside the marriage.

4. The rejected partner may unreasonably hold out hope that things will get better and see opening the marriage up as a dramatic break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Well, first I think that it's easier said than done. If my wife and I had an open marriage, I don't have the first clue about how I'd find an affair partner.

2. When people are in sexless or low-sex marriages, the problem isn't just about being too horny. It's about being rejected by the person you love. People want to feel loved and desired by their partners. Finding a stranger to bang may not meet their partners.

3. The partner doing the rarely sees it as a conscious decision to stop having sex with their partner. They usually will say they're not supported enough, too tired, etc. Thus, they're not going to see themselves as doing something that justifies going outside the marriage.

4. The rejected partner may unreasonably hold out hope that things will get better and see opening the marriage up as a dramatic break.

#2 should be "meet their needs"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I happened to run into an ex BF from many many years ago. Says his wife won’t have sex anymore. Apparently when he tries to initiate, she says “find someone else!”

He wants to cheat on her. With me. I said he should just ask for an open marriage esp since she told him to find someone else, but he won’t. He has had an affair in the past. His wife suspected it but he didn’t ever admit it.

I called him a coward for not discussing the possibility of an open marriage with his wife. He says he isn’t a coward. I said he’s a cheater and he responds that I don’t understand his situation and that I shouldn’t be so judgemental by using the word cheater. What an a**hole.
He kept making overtures towards me. Finally I ghosted him.

Men in unhappy marriages who “can’t” divorce: are you too cowardly to ask for an open marriage?
Why do you sneak around and cheat instead of being honest and asking to open up the marriage? Your lines “I don’t want to hurt her” “you don’t understand my situation” are BS. Why can’t you handle the problem in an emotionally mature way?

I'm not sure I understand your predicament. His wife telling him to find someone else IS her telling him to open the marriage. What other declaration are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says similar things to that man's wife. I offer her the chance to sleep with other men and open the marriage and she says she doesn't want to. She doesn't want an open marriage because she doesn't need me out on public dates or embarrassing her. In her word, no diseases, no pregnancies and she better not find out.

Asking seriously: Why remain married? "For the kids"? Finances? Is there any love or companionship or mutual interests left?

So she's giving you the green light to have affairs. As long as you don't "embarrass" her. Do you both own a business together and a divorce would create issues there? Or you need to both care for a chronically sick child or...? I don't get why people in this situation stay together, otherwise.

This arrangement (have your fun but don't bring disease, don't have more children to dilute family wealth, and don't embarrass us) is a time-tested setup that worked for millions of families throughout history. You remain married for the same reasons you got married - to have a suitable partner, to have children and raise them together, to build family assets. Releasing body fluids has never been a core part of the marriage until very recently. You make it sound like people who don't have sex must necessarily hate each other but the fact of the matter is that many many couples have a perfectly friendly, amicable relationship that works for all practical purposes. Sex is but a small part of life.

[Anonymous]

My wife has no interest in sex with anyone and is clear that I cannot have anyone else. As with the other dad, I love seeing my kids daily and I'm the one that is the primary caregiver. My situation sounds pretty much like his. Not great but it could be worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has no interest in sex with anyone and is clear that I cannot have anyone else. As with the other dad, I love seeing my kids daily and I'm the one that is the primary caregiver. My situation sounds pretty much like his. Not great but it could be worse

If your wife met someone she was strongly attracted to, she just might want sex with that other person. She may not have the same physical needs as you, but if she were to meet someone she feels that attraction for, I'm betting she would want sex with him.

I think the issue here is that men disassociate sex from everything else in the relationship and women don't. She wants you to be faithful even as she doesn't want sex with you for whatever reason - it could be low libido or resentment, and everything in between.

Seems that for many men, fidelity can only be given if they have regular sex.

Women and men really do not speak the same language.

Women don't seem to understand that in order for the man to feel loved and connected to the woman, he needs to have sex with her.

Men don't seem to understand that in order for a woman to want to have sex with you, she has to like you and have some physical/emotional attraction to you.

For many on here, it seems that they are in a catch 22 situation.

[Anonymous]

Seems that for many men, fidelity can only be given if they have regular sex.

It’s strange that that seems like a revelation to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because sex = endorphins = feelings of love

Open marriages are risky because it’s extremely likely that the DH will fall in love with, or think he’s fallen in love with, whoever he’s having sex with on a regular basis.

It’s not a mystery why this is a problem.

Yeah, this. Introducing new people will lead to splitting up sooner or later. It just drags out the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree. If you are unhappy in a sexless marriage, declare it open.

No, divorce.

Let the abnormal sexless wife be the one to divorce.

You do realize that whoever starts the process, both people end up equally divorced, right? Or are you scared of losing the house and paying support?

Yes. The end is same. But INITIATING the divorce is the hardest part. Let the abnormal sexless one take that step. Over something unimportant like sex.

What a weird but also stupid way of thinking. It’s your life PP. Act like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife has no interest in sex with anyone and is clear that I cannot have anyone else. As with the other dad, I love seeing my kids daily and I'm the one that is the primary caregiver. My situation sounds pretty much like his. Not great but it could be worse

If your wife met someone she was strongly attracted to, she just might want sex with that other person. She may not have the same physical needs as you, but if she were to meet someone she feels that attraction for, I'm betting she would want sex with him.

I think the issue here is that men disassociate sex from everything else in the relationship and women don't. She wants you to be faithful even as she doesn't want sex with you for whatever reason - it could be low libido or resentment, and everything in between.

Seems that for many men, fidelity can only be given if they have regular sex.

Women and men really do not speak the same language.

Women don't seem to understand that in order for the man to feel loved and connected to the woman, he needs to have sex with her.

Men don't seem to understand that in order for a woman to want to have sex with you, she has to like you and have some physical/emotional attraction to you.

For many on here, it seems that they are in a catch 22 situation.

If she found someone that she wanted to have sex with, I would be open to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently I happened to run into an ex BF from many many years ago. Says his wife won’t have sex anymore. Apparently when he tries to initiate, she says “find someone else!”

He wants to cheat on her. With me. I said he should just ask for an open marriage esp since she told him to find someone else, but he won’t. He has had an affair in the past. His wife suspected it but he didn’t ever admit it.

I called him a coward for not discussing the possibility of an open marriage with his wife. He says he isn’t a coward. I said he’s a cheater and he responds that I don’t understand his situation and that I shouldn’t be so judgemental by using the word cheater. What an a**hole.
He kept making overtures towards me. Finally I ghosted him.

Men in unhappy marriages who “can’t” divorce: are you too cowardly to ask for an open marriage?
Why do you sneak around and cheat instead of being honest and asking to open up the marriage? Your lines “I don’t want to hurt her” “you don’t understand my situation” are BS. Why can’t you handle the problem in an emotionally mature way?

Yes, cheaters like this are cowards. That’s the whole point. He’s just telling you crap, btw. He’s likely still having sex with his wife. He just wants to sleep with you too.

If that were the case, wouldn't he just tell OP that he had asked and received permission? It's kind of a confusing issue anyway, as I'm not sure how else to interpret "find someone else" other than as consent to an open relationship.