Does this rub you the wrong way?

[Anonymous]

We’ve had our nanny for 3 months now. DH and I were debating on how much to give her as a bonus but decided to do one full week since we like her... which we felt was very generous on our part.

We are leaving tomorrow to go on vacation for the week if Christmas so we gave the week off to the nanny of course. Last night we gave her the bonus along with her regular week’s pay. DH had to work late so it was just me and the kids. After she left she texted me a couple hours later to say she forgot to ask how we would handle the following week’s pay since she won’t be working. I said we typically would issue the payment next Friday when it’s technically due but asked if she had a preference and she said if there is any way we could pay it to her now she would appreciate it because her bills are high this month. I told her I would talk to DH and let her know. This was at 9pm last night.

At noon today she texted me to ask what we decided regarding paying her and I told her we are happy to pay it up front if that would be helpful. She texted back a thumbs up emoji.

So all of that is fine and we didn’t mind paying her for next week now, but what I do think is a bit off-putting is that she never once said thanks for the bonus or even acknowledged it in any way - and still has not. I gave our cleaning lady a bonus as well and she sent me a really nice text thanking us. I am not looking for anything elaborate but just a simple thanks, especially when you’re asking me to do you a favor.

Would this bother others or not?

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

I mean it would have been nice to have it acknowledged- I guess it seems like she was acting like she was entitled to it. It’s common courtesy to thank and acknowledge a large gift. With that being said - she takes care of your baby and does a good job so I would let it go!

[Anonymous]

It would bother me. I don’t ask my boss to pay me early.

[Anonymous]

If she stressed enough about money to ask you for her pay early, she's clearly worried about other things. Be grateful you had it and were able to pay early. She takes care of your child! Let It Go.

[Anonymous]

It's not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would have paid on schedule.

[Anonymous]

You know her, right? Is she generally a polite person? If so, I’d let it go and chalk it up to stressors she has going on right now.

[Anonymous]

This is why I couldn’t have a nanny. At the end of the day, you have a business relationship with this person. Yet it easily becomes muddled because of the closeness. Because she’s close to you, she could ask for a change in her payment schedule. And because she’s close to you, you’re miffed that she didn’t say thank you.

The danger here is how long you’ll hold on to this. My guess is that if you had it in you to write a 5-paragraph post here, this will sit with you for a long while. It will color everything. The nanny will call one morning saying she’s sick and you’ll question it. You might not say anything, but you’ll wonder. She’ll do something with your kid that you don’t like but isn’t a huge deal. But you’ll make it a bigger deal than it needs to be because you’ll still be judging her for not saying thank you at Christmas.

You have to figure out how to let this go quickly. I’d ask Jeff to remove this thread so that you don’t keep coming back to it and stoke the fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I couldn’t have a nanny. At the end of the day, you have a business relationship with this person. Yet it easily becomes muddled because of the closeness. Because she’s close to you, she could ask for a change in her payment schedule. And because she’s close to you, you’re miffed that she didn’t say thank you.

The danger here is how long you’ll hold on to this. My guess is that if you had it in you to write a 5-paragraph post here, this will sit with you for a long while. It will color everything. The nanny will call one morning saying she’s sick and you’ll question it. You might not say anything, but you’ll wonder. She’ll do something with your kid that you don’t like but isn’t a huge deal. But you’ll make it a bigger deal than it needs to be because you’ll still be judging her for not saying thank you at Christmas.

You have to figure out how to let this go quickly. I’d ask Jeff to remove this thread so that you don’t keep coming back to it and stoke the fire.

NP: agree with this poster's points about the boundary confusion OP expresses in her post. Now that the payment issue has emerged from the boundary confusion, it's poised to create ongoing problems in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she was texting for clarification about next week’s pay because she’s worried you’ll pay her late since you’ll be out of town and she needs the money. I’m not seeing what the problem is, or what this has to do with whether she’s thanked you yet for the bonus.

[Anonymous]

The thumbs up emoji always rubs me the wrong way...seems like a sarcastic thanks maybe because that’s how I usually use it...she should have spelled out thank you but I think some people genuinely think it’s a quick and easy way to say thanks in text conversations.

[Anonymous]

It’s 2 issues. Op is upset nanny did not thank her for the bonus (did you give it to her in person and she didn’t thank you then) and the request for advance payment. Personally, I would like to be thanked for a holiday gift (doesn’t need to be elaborate) and would not care about the advance payment , assuming I had the money

[Anonymous]

Agree with op about two separate issues.

Possible complication: If nanny is so short on cash that she asks for a week’s pay early after just getting an extra week’s pay as a bonus, what is the situation? Is this ongoing overspending, meaning she’ll ask for more advances/expect more and great bonuses? Was this a Christmas overspend, expecting a bonus that may be less than she expected (and may be resentful over expecting more)? Is there another underlying financial issue (like family medical bills or imminent divorce) that make it more likely that she should downsize to afford the new financial reality?

[Anonymous]

She might be writing you a thank you note.

But... a bonus is thanking her for doing a good job. So you’re expecting a thank you for a thank you