heartbroken over miscarriage

[Anonymous]

Last week my husband and I were eager to see the heartbeat of our first baby. Within seconds of my OB bringing up the sonogram image, I knew by the look on her face that is wasn't good. I was 8 and a half weeks. I had a D and C the next day. I was grateful for the quick care, but it all happened so fast I barely had time to process it. I know miscarriage is so very common (my OB said 1 in 3 pregnancies), but I am having such a hard time accepting this. I'm fine one second and hysterically crying the next. I was pregnant and adjusting to all that meant, and now I'm not...and I'm having a harder time adjusting to not being pregnant anymore. I'm obviously grieving, but I just wonder if the sadness will ever completely go away. My mom had a miscarriage 30 years ago, and still, whenever she speaks of it, her sadness is palpable.

What have you all done to help you cope? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at almost 13 weeks 2 years ago and I often think of her, even though I have a healthy 16 month old and am 21 weeks pregnant. One thing to remember is that a miscarriage is a horrible hormone crash. I seriously thought I was going crazy for a while. Give yourself time to grieve. A miscarriage, esp with a first pregnancy, is more than losing that baby, it's also losing the confidence that an HPT+ leads to a baby, that things will just work out, that you're one of the lucky ones. As for the sadness, you will feel better eventually but it may take much longer than you may think considering it was an "early" loss. Be prepared for strange reactions from people but also support from people you would have never thought. Above all, be gentle with yourself and consider doing things that put you back in touch with your body - exercise, massage, acupuncture....

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a very similar experience in March -- ultrasound at 9 weeks with no heartbeat and a D&C at 10 weeks.

Give yourself permission to grieve and expect it to be messy. Just because you felt okay yesterday doesn't mean you shouldn't feel awful today. Take it easy for a while and take your friends and family up on their offers to help and comfort you.

FWIW, I had a really tough time dealing with the "taboo" of miscarriage in our society. So many people are really uncomfortable talking about it at all. You may be surprised that some of your closest friends/family just can't deal with the situation. And equally surprised at who ends up being your most reliable support.

Good luck and hang in there. I know that I will always be sad about my miscarriage, but I feel so much better now than I did in the darkest days right after it happened. You will too!

[Anonymous]

I also discovered that I had had a "missed miscarriage" at 9 weeks and went in for a D&C at 10 weeks back in May. Those five days walking around knowing that my baby was dead but still inside me were some of the strangest of my life. It took my body about six months to get back to normal after the D&C. We are trying again, but it is still hard emotionally at times. This month has been particularly hard, because it was the month the baby was due, so he/she has been on my mind a lot. I suspect that the time of year of the miscarriage and the time of year of the due date will always remind me, but I hope I won't feel the sting quiet so sharply as time goes on.

My greatest source of comfort has come from my husband, who has also felt the loss very acutely, and my 2 year old daughter. Our first reaction when we both walked out of the appt where we found out about the miscarriage is that our daughter is an amazing miracle.
You will find support from many corners and will be surprised, as I think other posters have mentioned in this and other threads, at how many other women will tell you about their miscarriages if you share your experience with them. We belong to a sorority now that none of us wanted to join but that can be a great source of comfort and support.

I am very sorry for your loss, OP, and for the losses of the other posters. Much love and comfort to you all.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. The exact same thing happened to me. Just know that with time it will get easier. Try to do something special for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

We lost twins at 9 weeks almost exactly two years ago, right after Christmas and had a D&C very quickly after the news. I still think about them and grieving took a long time. We have a DD now and I just remarked to my DH this week that if we had had the twins, we wouldn't have her right now. It was such a weird thought - she's tangible to me and I can't imagine my life without her, but it doesn't lessen the loss of the twins completely. The year after our loss, I went on a slightly reduced schedule at work just to be able to leave early if I wanted/needed to, or take a 3-day weekend now and again. I got back into my gardening that year, and reading and some other things that had fallen by the wayside (our loss came in the midst of a long stretch of fertility treatments); I also went into therapy later in the year which helped a lot.

It was a time that I also became aware of how many of my girlfriends had also experienced a miscarriage -- I think more than hadn't, which came as a huge surprise. They were enormously supportive, and it also gave me a sense of joining some large, secret society of grief that I had not really comprehended before. That helped me feel less alone. And as the PP said, I gained a new appreciation for the miracle of every child -- it's kind of amazing how any of them are born knowing what we all know about the precariousness of life at each stage along the way.

There is no roadmap for the days ahead. Some will be fine and others will be very difficult. Keep the lines of communication open with your DH; it's a loss for both of you, though you may each process it differently. I hope he and those with whom you share your loss will provide you with comfort and strength.

[Anonymous]

I miscarried twins (the day before I was going to announce it) two years ago and have an 11 month old son. I still miss them, still think "what if" but it has lessened with time. I had a really, really hard time with accepting the pregnancy with my son as real. I didn't have a nursery until I was @ 9 months pregnant. I had a surprise baby shower, which was likely a surprise b/c I refused to bring baby stuff into the house. It got better and better each month of the pregnancy, don't get me wrong, but it was never innocent and easy.

Take it easy, go on a trip or a weekend away or get a massage. Hugs to you, I know this is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Same thing happened to me this past summer, except it was at a second ultrasound at 12 weeks right before we were going to "announce" the pregnancy (I had had a good ultrasound with a normal hearbeat at almost 8 weeks). Because of the size of the sac, the doctor estimated that the fetus had stopped growing sometime right after my first ultrasound and recommended a D&C the next morning. The whole process was surreal-- and I was very depressed for about a month afterwards (this was our first baby). The worst part was "not" being pregnant anymore (i.e., seeing babies didn't bother me, but seeing other pregnant women made me really sad --- I felt like I had been a member of the pregnancy club and got abruptly booted out.) I didn't start to feel "normal" again until I got my period back, which was a big help. After that, I just tried to focus on moving forward and taking trips with my husband, enjoying wine, going out with friends, etc., since I hoped that we would be pregnant again soon and wouldn't be able to do all that. I also got a trainer and got back into good shape (I had gained about 5 pounds during the pregnancy and another 5 pounds consoling myself with wine and chocolate after the miscarriage). I'm happy to say that after waiting about three cycles (so a little over 4 months from the D&C) we are pregnant again. I know it's rough, and hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but just try to take care of yourself, enjoy the gifts in your life now and stay positive that you will have a baby in the new year-- good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Oh, there's a lot of us who've been through this, sadly. It's so, so hard. I know how it is to have your emotions so close to the surface, so raw. It will be like that for a while, and then it will get a bit better. Trust me, in a month you'll feel more like yourself. The hormones will move out of your system soon, which will be one step toward feeling better. And your sadness will ebb with time, too. The grief can still come up -- when you see a baby, when you see woman as pregnant as you might have been, when your due date comes.

You just have to keep telling yourself that you are strong, you can handle this, and one day, you will be a loving mother. In the meantime, allow yourself time to cry, time to console yourself with a run, a massage, chocolates - - whatever gives you a little lift. For me, it helped to get together with girlfriends who didn't have kids and go to non-kid places to completely distract myself. Big hug to you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your kind words; I've read all the posts multiple times now. It's so comforting to know how many others have felt my pain and have also gone on to have healthy babies. I'm scared to try again, and right now it feels like I'll never want to, but I know that will pass with healing.
In the meantime I'm going to put all your suggestions for coping to use...thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

OP - you're been in my thoughts, I hope you're feeling a bit better.

[Anonymous]

hi op! hang in there, and give yourself as much time as you need. mine was over a year ago, and i don't think i am over it yet. it's really difficult!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, so many more of us have been there than any of us ever realized. I miscarried in August and thought I was doing better until Christmas, when my grief came back with a strength that really surprised me. We haven't gotten pregnant yet, either, so it's all still hard. But time will at least lesson the pain for us all.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It is a dark and lonely path but you're not alone. I lost one at 10 weeks in 2007 and at 14 weeks in 2008. I'm on my third pg at 8 weeks and am terrified. The only comfort is knowing that its got to workout one day - I'm not convinced that it will this time, which is sad. For those of us who suffer loss, the excitement and innocence of pregnancy is gone but I'm convinced it will make us stronger and more appreciative of the gift when we get it. Give yourself time to grieve and lots of pampering.

[Anonymous]

Hi -
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too had a similar experience, I m/c at 10 weeks in July. We had seen a heartbeat at 8 wks, but it was measuring small. At 10 weeks, there was no heartbeat any longer. I had a D&C the next day.

That baby would have been #2 for us. I would have been due Feb. 1. And I know have 11 (yes, ELEVEN) friends/acquaintances due between March and June. It has been a real struggle to hear these announcements over and over. I know I spent the first two weeks after the D&C trying to process it all. Sometimes, I feel a little sad thinking about it again.

Mostly, I try now to keep my chin up and start each new cycle with hope. We started trying again in September, and it has now been 4 cycles. It is frustrating, and I do feel like my clock is ticking.

One of the things (and this may not be the case for you, I know) that someone on this board suggested to me was that I could look at this as an opportunity for additional one-on-one bonding with my DC that I would not have otherwise. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, she needs me exclusively for a bit longer. For some reason, that has worked for me.

And to a PP's point - it has made me cherish her as a true miracle that much more. I look at her every day and think about how lucky and blessed I am that I got her.

I hope you have that miracle someday soon too.

Hugs to you.