transgender or confused?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to boil this down to the basics. Please don't make an issue about my use of pronouns.

14 yr old daughter is in a friend group that includes LGBTQ people. One of them is a non-transitioning boy (no hormones, doesn't dress like a girl, etc.) and he told her that he wants to date her. She said OK. People at school made fun of her. She went to the school councilor and told her that she is not sure if she is also transgender. The boy is experimenting with using a girls name and my daughter is experimenting with using a boys name. She is having emotional crying fits and anxiety in part because of this and in part just... school teenager stuff.

I've met the boy and he is a tall decent looking kid and I can see how my daughter would be attracted to him.
The scenario is strange. A boy says he is a girl but like a girl and she is wondering if she is a boy because she like the boy that says he is a girl????

From where I sit, minus the transgender construct, its a boy and a girl... a heterosexual relationship.

I've spoken with the councilor and she said that, in her opinion, its a trend these days to be transgender. She said that my daughter told her that she is "confused."

By my estimation and using myself as a barometer I suspect a person knows if they are attracted to a boy or a girl and this is a big clue as to their sexual orientation. Because of this I expect one might be anxious or nervous about coming out but that is not the same as being "confused" about do I like boys or girls (or am I a boy or girl).

I think there is a lot going on with regard to social pressures in the friend group as well as outside bullying. This group of kids gravitated towards each other, in part, because they were getting bullied and some of them happen to be LGBTQ. Then on top of that there has been some "mean girl" stuff going on where people in the group gang up one someone then they are nice. In other words mental games.

Can anyone provide some perspective on this?

[Anonymous]

I’m straight and cis gender, so take it for what it’s worth, but I’d try to find a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues and just let your daughter talk to them. Teen years are hard. Social issues are hard. Bullying is awful. But add on top of that someone who’s exploring their gender or sexual orientation? I think a therapist (has to be a good one) would be so helpful. And if she is transgender, there’s someone there who can help her navigate the complex road of transitioning.

And FWIW, my friends daughter first thought she was gay, then non binary, then transgender. He first chose they/them as pronouns and now uses male pronouns. He’s very comfortable with who he is now but it was a process.

[Anonymous]

Also be careful in current climate which allows kids to say this is who they are without exploring the differential diagnosis. Kids transition medically and then realize they were really weren't the other gender and now stuck with the side effects. Would find a good therapist that is willing to explore that with the kid rather than one is only thinks your kid should follow this path.

[Anonymous]

I think confusion is common at this age. I don't think there is a really a "trend" towards identifying. Rather I think that we always had confused kids but they kept it to themselves. Now that gay and transgender issues are mainstream, the confused kids are talking to each other openly.

As PPs, suggested, a therapist can help. Someone who will help your kid explore her issues without either pushing or discouraging transitioning.

[Anonymous]

Instead of being told that puberty is an inherently confusing and chaotic time, kids today get the message that maybe they’re really transgender. I would proceed with caution, especially around therapy, as the current trend towards “affirmation only” can put kids on a medicalized path with permanent repercussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m straight and cis gender, so take it for what it’s worth, but I’d try to find a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues and just let your daughter talk to them. Teen years are hard. Social issues are hard. Bullying is awful. But add on top of that someone who’s exploring their gender or sexual orientation? I think a therapist (has to be a good one) would be so helpful. And if she is transgender, there’s someone there who can help her navigate the complex road of transitioning.

And FWIW, my friends daughter first thought she was gay, then non binary, then transgender. He first chose they/them as pronouns and now uses male pronouns. He’s very comfortable with who he is now but it was a process.

Don't do this. The current trend is for "gender-aware" therapists to push transition on any child who expresses any thoughts about being transgender.

I would just wait this out and let your daughter do what she wants to. 14 is still very young. If you start to see serious signs of depression, then get therapy for that.

[Anonymous]

Prior to the interest in the kid who wants to date her was there any hint she regarded herself as a boy rather than a girl? Plus, being made fun of by peers at that age can really mess with a person's sense of identity.

FWIW, not as a teen but in my 20s, when I was in therapy for depression (following a very acute psychiatric episode that lasted for several months) related in part to some very serious traumas several years before. This was at the time when "recovered memories" were a big thing and my therapist believed I was an incest victim with my father being the perpetrator, had me in some support groups (adult children of dysfunctional families, survivors of incest( there were times I really felt like there was NO solid ground beneath my feet, and then began to wonder if I was actually gay--it was a serious question for awhile.

I think now that a combination of the vulnerability and uncertainty about myself I felt at the time, I didn't have much of a filter when it came to things I thought/wondered about, things people (e..g in the support groups, with the therapist, with a few other friends who were aware of the issues I was dealing with in therapy and sharing their issues). Instead of a clear identity, I just had this . . . soup.

Point being: life and one's identify can become slippery and fluid at times, your daughter's age can be one of those times complicated by her peer world. It's good that she went to the school counselor and that (I assume, because I don't think the counselor would have told you the details of their conversation) she is talking to you. I'd suggest asking what the counselor's response/suggestions were and supporting them if they seem reasonable. Basically just be a support, help her feel that the ground is safer than it may be feeling some times.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a child who is gay and who is now trans questioning. If you go to a therapist, be aware that they will push your child towards transitioning and acceptance of being trans. That’s the accepted practice right now. The “cure” for gender/body dysphoria is transition. I’m very open and accepting. I was initially ok with accepting that my child is trans. But after about six months of therapy with both a psychiatrist and a therapist, I realized that transition was being presented as the only option. We pushed back. Our child is still questioning gender. They know we accept them no matter what. But I wanted the decision to be made without pressure from a therapist or psychiatrist. My child uses a female name and female pronouns but has not transitioned physically in any way. We are providing love and support. But we are allowing her time to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

So much confusion we are pushing with this gender fad

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your daughter is confused, which is perfectly normal, but also really hard to deal with (for her and you!).

Support her, make sure she knows she can be herself, that she doesn't have to make any big decisions now (or ever), she can be who she is in the moment. And clarity will usually come given time and experience.

I find that keeping my daughter involved in sports, social, and or artistic activities and communities has also helped. She's learning skills, staying active, learning to be comfortable as herself and in her body, and that will only help her confidence as she matures and figures out who she is and where her place is in the world.

Stepping outside the trans thing for a moment, it sounds like your daughter is somewhat trying to define herself in relation to the person she's dating/interested in. That behavior is something that sends up red-flags to me, as a mom-to-daughters, and it would make me determined to make sure my daughter defined who she was herself, not based on a relationship. (Not easy, in a society where girls and women are constantly told they need to always be thinking about other people, put others over themselves, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m straight and cis gender, so take it for what it’s worth, but I’d try to find a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues and just let your daughter talk to them. Teen years are hard. Social issues are hard. Bullying is awful. But add on top of that someone who’s exploring their gender or sexual orientation? I think a therapist (has to be a good one) would be so helpful. And if she is transgender, there’s someone there who can help her navigate the complex road of transitioning.

And FWIW, my friends daughter first thought she was gay, then non binary, then transgender. He first chose they/them as pronouns and now uses male pronouns. He’s very comfortable with who he is now but it was a process.

Don't do this. The current trend is for "gender-aware" therapists to push transition on any child who expresses any thoughts about being transgender.

I would just wait this out and let your daughter do what she wants to. 14 is still very young. If you start to see serious signs of depression, then get therapy for that.

I hear that a lot but I don't really believe it because the guidelines for true gender-affirming therapy is not to push the child in any one direction. I don't know if all of these stories are because guidelines are not being followed or because parents are disappointed in the outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m straight and cis gender, so take it for what it’s worth, but I’d try to find a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues and just let your daughter talk to them. Teen years are hard. Social issues are hard. Bullying is awful. But add on top of that someone who’s exploring their gender or sexual orientation? I think a therapist (has to be a good one) would be so helpful. And if she is transgender, there’s someone there who can help her navigate the complex road of transitioning.

And FWIW, my friends daughter first thought she was gay, then non binary, then transgender. He first chose they/them as pronouns and now uses male pronouns. He’s very comfortable with who he is now but it was a process.

Don't do this. The current trend is for "gender-aware" therapists to push transition on any child who expresses any thoughts about being transgender.

I would just wait this out and let your daughter do what she wants to. 14 is still very young. If you start to see serious signs of depression, then get therapy for that.

Fear mongering much? Afraid of liberal pro nouns?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m straight and cis gender, so take it for what it’s worth, but I’d try to find a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues and just let your daughter talk to them. Teen years are hard. Social issues are hard. Bullying is awful. But add on top of that someone who’s exploring their gender or sexual orientation? I think a therapist (has to be a good one) would be so helpful. And if she is transgender, there’s someone there who can help her navigate the complex road of transitioning.

And FWIW, my friends daughter first thought she was gay, then non binary, then transgender. He first chose they/them as pronouns and now uses male pronouns. He’s very comfortable with who he is now but it was a process.

Don't do this. The current trend is for "gender-aware" therapists to push transition on any child who expresses any thoughts about being transgender.

I would just wait this out and let your daughter do what she wants to. 14 is still very young. If you start to see serious signs of depression, then get therapy for that.

I hear that a lot but I don't really believe it because the guidelines for true gender-affirming therapy is not to push the child in any one direction. I don't know if all of these stories are because guidelines are not being followed or because parents are disappointed in the outcomes.

PS. I realize there may be a bit of both going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m straight and cis gender, so take it for what it’s worth, but I’d try to find a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues and just let your daughter talk to them. Teen years are hard. Social issues are hard. Bullying is awful. But add on top of that someone who’s exploring their gender or sexual orientation? I think a therapist (has to be a good one) would be so helpful. And if she is transgender, there’s someone there who can help her navigate the complex road of transitioning.

And FWIW, my friends daughter first thought she was gay, then non binary, then transgender. He first chose they/them as pronouns and now uses male pronouns. He’s very comfortable with who he is now but it was a process.

Don't do this. The current trend is for "gender-aware" therapists to push transition on any child who expresses any thoughts about being transgender.

I would just wait this out and let your daughter do what she wants to. 14 is still very young. If you start to see serious signs of depression, then get therapy for that.

I hear that a lot but I don't really believe it because the guidelines for true gender-affirming therapy is not to push the child in any one direction. I don't know if all of these stories are because guidelines are not being followed or because parents are disappointed in the outcomes.

Thank you for saying that. PP’s response would be like saying “don’t go to couples counseling because that leads to divorce.” Sometimes, maybe, but they were already rocky.

There’s an idea, not really based on facts (maybe a few anecdotes but usually it’s 17th hand knowledge or something they read online so it must be true), that you can go to any therapist and they’ll affirm that you’re trans, and then you can go to any doctor and get hormones. It’s a lengthy process when done properly. Rarely do kids discuss the possibility of being trans with their parents the first time it pops in their head. By the time they discuss with parents, they’ve probably been considering it for a while. By the time they get in therapy, they’re typically pretty deep in the decision making process. What kids tell their parents about gender and sexuality often differs from what they tell their parents about gender. No one reasonable and responsible is pushing this on kids. That’s different from being accepting, which is what professionals do.

[Anonymous]

Why is there even a phrase “cis gender” ?