Can SAHM & WOHM be friends?

[Anonymous]

According to my SAHM acquaintances the answer is “No.”

My DD has a few circles of friends - kids of our friends, school friends, camp, church, activities etc.

All of our (grown up) friends are dual professional households. We moved her to a preschool with a similar makeup of dual professional households. I’m the “dumb” one without a PhD.

Our church is in a more affluent zip code (DMV - fill in the blank). Her church friends primarily have SAHMs. She loves those kids but when we try to make plans the SAHMs always work-shame me. “Oh, we do play dates on Tuesdays at 1 pm” or “Oh, you work? Like full time?? It didn’t make sense for me to work because of DHs career and I feel being at home for little Timmy is important” as they drive away in BMW to their McMansion.

It makes me feel like garbage but my kid is insisting on being friends with the kids so I keep trying. The answer is usually “weekends aren’t good. How is Tuesday?” or last minute cancel. It’s multiple moms from this group, not just one.

Maybe it’s me? Rolling up in my Honda? I have friends so I’m pretty sure I’m not a social pariah. I just feel bad for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Schedules are different, but that isn't a hurdle to friendship.

[Anonymous]

School changes things. Many of my friends are SAHM and we don’t have any issues but the kids are all in school. They play at the park after school and have play dates on weekends.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM in the demographic you describe. I don’t care if my friends or my kids’ friends parents work or stay at home. It makes no difference. I’m happy to have kids over after school during the week. We generally don’t do weekend play dates at home because I hate sitting around the house and we usually have sports or fun family things to do on the weekend.
Everyone makes such a big deal about WOH and SAHm, but in real life I only hear about it on DCUM. No one talks about work.

[Anonymous]

This is so dumb. Stop.

-WOHM with many SAHM friends. (

And no, I literally never have asked them for child care, before anyone snarkily asks. I pay for solid, reliable care at all times and stay home with my kids when they are sick.)

[Anonymous]

IRL - yes, absolutely.

On DCUM - nope.

[Anonymous]

For sure yes. I have an amazing nanny who takes my 3yo to playdates with mostly SAHMs and they are fine with her, and she is fine with them.

I am friendly with some of the moms and we will go to dinner without the kids sometimes, or meet for coffee on occasion. I think the key is to try to build some kind of relationship with the mom - maybe you can invite kids over for a playdate on a weekend or something.

I do admit I feel left out sometimes because the moms will meet for lunch before school pick up, or grab coffee after drop off and I generally can’t do those things, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I actually do think it’s easier when kids are in school. I WFH a lot and have a lot of flexibility so my schedule isn’t vastly different from SAHMs. One of my closest mom friends stays home. It’s totally fine. That said in my area there are very few SAHMs of school age kids.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is a SAHM and I’m a WOHM. Somehow we tolerate each other.

[Anonymous]

At the preschool ages, it is hard to get the kids together when you have the working parent divide, absolutely. As a SAHM, I deliberately booked playdates during the day (and to get me through the day, since it can be isolating as a SAHM!) so that evenings and weekends could be family time. Now that the kids are school age, this is a non issue. First off, many of the SAHMs will return to the workforce when their youngest hits full day school anyway, so more of those moms becomes WOHMs. And like pp said, playdates move to the after school/weekend times anyway, and sports/extracurriculars become the main focus of socializing and play time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have some issues about your car and house that have nothing to do wth the SAHM/WOHM issue. If you are feeling like garbage over a Honda, which is a perfectly great car (!), you either have crummy friends who are making you feel bad via snide comments, or you are feeling insecure on your own and its affecting your view of these women. Is your question more "can friendships transcend money divides?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the preschool ages, it is hard to get the kids together when you have the working parent divide, absolutely. As a SAHM, I deliberately booked playdates during the day (and to get me through the day, since it can be isolating as a SAHM!) so that evenings and weekends could be family time. Now that the kids are school age, this is a non issue. First off, many of the SAHMs will return to the workforce when their youngest hits full day school anyway, so more of those moms becomes WOHMs. And like pp said, playdates move to the after school/weekend times anyway, and sports/extracurriculars become the main focus of socializing and play time.

Agreed. I think this is a temporary issue, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IRL - yes, absolutely.

On DCUM - nope.

+1

[Anonymous]

No it’s like the crips vs the bloods.

[Anonymous]

You resent their wealth, op. You are so blinded by it you cant let yourself find out if you can be friends with them. Don’t let this define you.

Wealth says nothing about you or them, good or bad. It’s just numbers. Take a half day off work to go to one of the play dates. Keep an open mind and be proud of pulling up in that smart money Honda. It sounds hokey but it’s all in your confidence.

There are sahm witches and wohm witches, but you can do something about your own class baggage and just let it go.