Stiffed by ILs at Xmas

[Anonymous]

So at the end of yesterday's present exchange, I realized that for the first time ever the ILs did not give me a gift. DH received a few things and the DCs received the bulk of the gifts (and rightfully so), but I did not receive anything. I would like to think that perhaps they did not realize that I got lost in the shuffle, but who knows. I am not aware of having done anything to annoy them and, in fact, they were quite warm to me yesterday. And, of course, I was not looking for anything big but if it's the thought that counts, what am I supposed to think about getting nothing?

Tempted to bring this up with DH, but he will right away call them to find out what the deal is and I will come across as having complained to him about it (which I would be, I guess). And I would like to say that this doesn't bug me but it obviously does. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I would send a thank-you note thanking them for the gifts you did receive and then see what the response is. I had something similar happen with my SIL this year so I'm waiting to see if she just forgot. I know how you feel though!

[Anonymous]

is it possible that some of the stuff for DH was intended as a joint gift? Or that there was a gift that got shoved behind the tree and missed? Or maybe they ordered something that got back ordered or otherwise didn't arrive? Maybe have DH call and be coy and ask them what they got you, have him pretend like he forgot or something. Did he notice you didn't receive anything from them? Barring any of the above I would just let it go. If they gave you some trinket it's just one more thing to dust and pack the next time you move.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- no possibility of a joint gift as DH received shirts, ties & a sweater (and we are nowhere near the same size!). DH was oblivious to the fact that I got nothing as I did get a few things from my SIL which were nice.

I do have to wonder what it says about me that I'm more comfortable complaining about it here instead of mentioning it to someone in my family.

[Anonymous]

Yes, weird, but eh, I would let it go. If it happens next year, then bring it up to your DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, didn't your husband notice that his parents did not give you a gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, didn't your husband notice that his parents did not give you a gift?

No, he didn't notice. This does not surprise me, though.

[Anonymous]

If you can trust your husband to be discreet about it, I would mention it and he can approach them with it from the "maybe it got lost" angle. "Hey, Mom, Dad, I noticed Jen didn't seem to get a present from you this year, did we miss it somehow or..."

I think that's reasonably. I mean, they're your parents in law, for heaven's sake. Unless you've got some alternate arrangement (like a name-draw gift exchange or something), they should give you a gift, and it's really weird they didn't.

If you can't trust DH to be as discreet about it as you'd like him to be, I can't think of another way to approach it...

[Anonymous]

That stinks. I hope it is just a mislabeled or lost gift. I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to tell you that my husband's grandparents gave us each cash. Him twice as much as me! Which surprised me as last year they gave us each the same amount. I'm not upset as really, at their ages they should be keeping their money for their own needs, but I did think it was kind of funny.

[Anonymous]

I cannot understand anyone worrying about what gift they got or didn't get past the age of 12 or 15.
Time to get a life and move on.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about this. IL situations are always very stressful. That is just the nature of it I guess.

Just to be the devil's advocate, did you give them really unthoughtful gifts in the year's past? I only bring this up because there is a relative that gave us c*ap for may years. And last year, I finally had it and decided that I was not going to continue participating in exchanging gifts with her. Seriously, we got stuff like household goods (similar to ziploc bags, disposible plates, etc.), obviously re-gifted items or stuff she got from school (she works in a school). She also had the skill to make these gifts sound thoughtful: "I really hope that you love these ziplock bags! You guys make so many lunches for school that I thought you could use these".

You get to a point in life where you do not need these shenanigans. Maybe your IL's reached that point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot understand anyone worrying about what gift they got or didn't get past the age of 12 or 15.
Time to get a life and move on.

I don't think OP's concern is over the gift but rather on the thought...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, didn't your husband notice that his parents did not give you a gift?


No, he didn't notice. This does not surprise me, though.


Me: Well there's the source of your trouble. ILs generally treat the newcomer no better than they have to.

That said, it's just a stupid gift from stupid people. There are bigger things to worry about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry to hear you feel dissed by your ILs (which, let's face it, is a reasonable reaction!). I would let it go this year and chalk it up to maybe your gift got lost in the shuffle or there was some logistical issue with it, and then your ILs forgot in all the excitement. See what happens next year. If you are the one who does the gift shopping for your ILs (rather than your husband) and next year they don't get you anything again, then I'd suggest turning that shopping duty back over to your husband (where it belongs anyway). If your ILs are warm and friendly to you apart from this gift issue, then I'd just suggest you think about it as some kind of quirk of theirs but you're ahead of the game in all other respects as far as ILs go. And happy holidays!

[Anonymous]

I think it totally depends on what your ILs are like. My MIL is nuts - one year I got diamond earrings for Christmas, other years nothing. This year she told us that she was getting DH and I a certain item for Christmas but didn't. One year she even didn't get DC anything. So with unpredictability like that, I wouldn't blink an eye if something like this would happen. If your ILs are pretty predictable and get something for you each year, maybe your DH should mention it in case the gift got lost.