Middle school homework overwhelming Child

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 yr DD in 7th who has had a rough start to the school year. She had two medical issues where she had to be hospitalized. She was also home for a few weeks following.
She was unable to look at or do school work which meant that it piled up. Once back at school she communicated with teachers regarding when and how she was going to do make up items following her absences. However after doing well for about a week and a half I realized that the making up of the previous work and keeping up with the current assignments was too much for her. My husband works from home and I asked him to manage DD a bit. I explained that she gets overwhelmed when she sees too many tasks and doesn't know where to go or what to do so she sits in her closet and reads. She closes everything out and just reads books.

He told her to make a list of the things she needs to do and get on with it. I explained that she can't do that...she needs a more gentle approach and I sit in her room in her comfy chair and she sits on the bed or at her desk. I work on my computer and she does homework. Once in a while I ask how's x going and she says I finished it. I say did you proof read it? She says yes or no, does a read through herself does some changes and turns it in on google classroom or puts in her backpack to turn it. A few nights of doing this until 10pm and she finished the quarter with all A's.

My husband thinks that this is too much and that she should just get on with it. I think that she needs coaching on how to deal with a pile of tasks and how to prioritize. I tried to explain that she and I went through all her classes together - yes she wrote the list. But I explained why she should put due dates and also wrote out the week of what she was going to work on each day. He feels this is too much time spent by the parents (me) and DD should just get on with it because that is what he did. Trying to explain to him that she is not the same person as him is proving difficult and honestly I think his approach is cruel in the way he speaks to her. She is considered gifted but she needs help focusing if she get overwhelmed. We did not do this in elementary school because homework was always finished in class. Last year, near the end of 6th grade I noticed this behavior when I logged into Parentvue to see a test score and saw that a few assignments were missing. I asked what she was doing in her room and she said reading. So I sat with her while she wrote e-mails to teachers about missing assignment and then she worked on the assignments while I sat in her room. It's frustrating but I think it will get better as she matures. I do not help DD with homework or assignments. When I look at her projects she always produces something that is far superior to anything I did at her age. She is more than capable of doing it, just needs moral support while doing it. She is currently taking 2 high school level courses.

Am I to involved? Husband and I got into a fight about it this morning as our family cannot attend an activity together today because I need to go over items for next week with DD and make study plan for next week. Husband leaves for work travel tomorrow so no chance to do activity on Sunday and other DS has a sports tournament tomorrow so no chance to work with DD tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Seventh grade is hard, period.

Hospitalization plus missing school a few weeks - very understandable that your 12 year old is stressed and overwhelmed. I'm not a coddling type of mom, don't do homework or school projects with my kids, and expect them to handle their stuff independently. But in this case, you bet I would be bending over backwards to get my child back on track.

I think one way to back off just a bit would be to encourage your daughter to leave her room to do her homework. Set up a quiet space in a room adjacent to your main living space where she can see you and hear you, but has her own work area. My kids do all their homework in our dining room. This way you can be nearby doing what you need to do, but you are around if she needs you. Yet she has fewer distractions than she would in her room (with her books).

Have you considered hiring a tutor? Even if it's a temporary thing, having the additional one on one instruction given the loss of classroom time would be a worthwhile investment in my opinion. In my area, teachers tutor part time for extra money (they just can't tutor their own students).

[Anonymous]

I think your big problem is thinking your husband can/will do things your way. Ultimately she does need to get independent. You want to sit with her until it happens and he’s ok with her failing into it - or at least not getting straight As. Only time and trial and error will tell whose way works.

What I wouldn’t be doing is sacrificing a family day to do it your way. It’s really ok not to get straight As in MS. And it’s really ok to let her fall and figure out how to pick up the pieces. You’re in this together as a family for the long haul so you need to make time for the family

[Anonymous]

I teach MS. This is not very unusual and often teachers will excuse all non-essential work when there is an extended absence due to illness. Ask for a team meeting with the counselor and admin present and ask teachers to either excuse assignments or provide a written rationale why it is essential. In all honesty, I almost never excuse work for non-medical absences. However, I almost always make an alternative assessment if a student misses more than 3 days for any reason. And I almost always excuse work missed due to hospitalization.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I was not worried about her making all A's. I was worried about her making a passing grade with all of the work that she had to make up. i only add that she made all A's to say that she does not need help with the work but with the amount of work. The work she does is great.

I understand DH's approach is to let her fail but I felt that might work against her self-esteem if she is trying to work her way back from the long absences.

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to work with the school on this. I have a child who has had intermittent hospitalizations and the back up of work caused a tremendous anxiety and an episode of school refusal that only made the situation even more difficult. The school should work with the teachers to identify the most important work and excuse all the rest.

[Anonymous]

I think that you and your husband would benefit from a session or two with a child psychologist who understands GT kids and executive functioning issues. I’d ask at the school for a referral. I would never leave a child to fail on her own. I think the way you are scaffolding support is good, but you need to get on the same page with your husband for the benefit of the family dynamics, I think. Imagine if you were overwhelmed with projects at work and lacked the wherewithal to get it all done. You never want your child to feel desperate. If she could organize this all by herself, she would.

[Anonymous]

OP- I would help your DD get through this rough patch, then I would set her up with an EF coach if it's affordable. I think that right now, your DD benefits from your presence because the work is truly overwhelming, but over time, this could become a crutch-- you would be serving as her pre-frontal cortex and emotional support, so she really doesn't have to think about the larger issues beyond academics. I have a DS with ADHD and highly gifted, lemme tell you, there is more to success and skill than smarts. We have learned over and over that developing executive function is "key" maybe "the key" to success in academics and life. Your DD needs someone (preferably a professional) to teach these skills while you start to ease back.

[Anonymous]

Is she in MCPS? If so, hw is just 10% of her grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I teach MS. This is not very unusual and often teachers will excuse all non-essential work when there is an extended absence due to illness. Ask for a team meeting with the counselor and admin present and ask teachers to either excuse assignments or provide a written rationale why it is essential. In all honesty, I almost never excuse work for non-medical absences. However, I almost always make an alternative assessment if a student misses more than 3 days for any reason. And I almost always excuse work missed due to hospitalization.

Agree with this.

Also, OP, your dh's opinion on what she should be able to do is not realistic for 95% of 7th graders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I was not worried about her making all A's. I was worried about her making a passing grade with all of the work that she had to make up. i only add that she made all A's to say that she does not need help with the work but with the amount of work. The work she does is great.

I understand DH's approach is to let her fail but I felt that might work against her self-esteem if she is trying to work her way back from the long absences.

Your husband's approach is stupid since she had long absences for medical reasons. It sounds like he just doesn't know better. So he should STFU.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the OP’s who said talk to the school and perhaps seek help for her problems. However, I think there is a middle ground to you and your husbands approach. I can see him not wanting to sit there and check on her every few minutes. But perhaps he would be willing to sit down with her and make a list. Then help her figure out what she needs to do that day. Then he could leave the room. And check on her periodically.