Online dating in your 40s and kids (Q for men)
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I am mid 40s and no kids but I have always wanted to foster / adopt. I am particularly interested in teens (not little kids). This has been something I have wanted to do for years and still plan to do it on my own or with a partner.
1. Would this be a total turnoff? 2. With regards to all the online profiles asking a question about do you want kids - what do you think is most honest to put there - (no, yes, or undecided are the usual options) |
Anonymous
I birthed a child and have NO interest in having a teen. It's not an enjoyable experience. That said, I would put undecided. I assume it wouldn't be your way or the highway and your partner's feelings would matter. |
Anonymous
| Why would you do this? You would have to pay for college! |
Anonymous
| Huge turn off to me. |
Anonymous
| Not into that at all. You can help raise my kids though. |
Anonymous
|
1. Can't imagine a guy wanting to do this.
2. You should say yes. |
Anonymous
|
1. Early 40s with an 11yo and have dated women who have teenagers, but would not date someone in your circumstances.
2. You should say yes. |
Anonymous
|
If you plan to do it with or without a partner, say yes to question 2 so you don't waste your time on men who don't want to deal with (perhaps more) kids.
However, as someone who adopted, I'd advise you to keep your dating separate from your parenting. If you're ok with parenting alone (as it seems you are), go ahead and start the fostering process. Whoever comes along will have to accept you with a child. Don't bring someone you aren't already married/committed to into your personal decision to parent. Either you already have the kid and they're okay with that, or you prioritize getting into a committed relationship and make the decision on fostering with your partner/spouse. Fostering a child in a home where only one person wants to parent is not a good idea. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
|
As a single mom, yes, it will make your dating pool smaller. Some guys just aren't interested in raising someone else's kids. So you may need to decide which is more important to you - fostering/adopting a child or having a better chance at dating/marriage?
personally, I knew when I was deciding whether to have my daughter that it would affect my dating life by a lot. It has. Some of the single moms I know have managed to find love (generally by really prioritizing finding a mate and putting in the time) but quite a few have not. You just have to decide what's important to you and if you'll be ok if by doing the one thing, the other thing doesn't happen. I'm mostly ok with not having much of a love life, but not everyone would be. |
Anonymous
|
As a guy, the idea of taking in some teen and dealing with all the teen drama, absent the more pleasant memories of them being a toddler, is a total non-starter. And I should say I have two teens that I love and want to spend time with, but the idea of adopting some kid and then dealing with their issues all to placate some new girl I'm dating? No.
I would definitely put it in your profile. Maybe there is a willing to adopt section or something. You may find a kindered spirit. |
Anonymous
|
What if you meet someone with kids? Do you think that you'd still want to foster/adopt or would potential step kids fill that void?
I think either way, the answer to the second question is yes. |
Anonymous
Man here. I would react totally differently to a woman who had her own kids but was now single (my same situation) than I would to a woman who was in her 40s, with no experience with kids, who wanted to adopt a teenager. They have nothing to do with each other. I would be much more open to a mother with children, I feel like I understand and can relate to her situation. A woman wanting to adopt a teenager would be more of a "what the hell" reaction, honestly. |
Anonymous
|
Op here.
Thanks all. I am open to men with kids for sure however I still think fostering is something I would want to do. I have worked with at-risk teens and in teen mental health for almost 20 years. I have worked with teens in care was well. I didn't feel I could foster while doing that work as it would have been too much. I have recently changed careers and hope to get into fostering soon. I never had an urge to birth children but I have always wanted my own family and fostering has always felt like the right way for me. I have others in my family who foster as well and so it feels doable. There is also no way at my age that I am starting with a baby and raising kids for the next 18 years. I need kids at an age with some level of independence in order for me as a single person to be able to parent and maintain my ability to work and still have a life I get that it isn't for everyone and it would have to be a guy who liked to help people anyways as I am involved in lots of causes related to helping others. Might be more of a niche than I thought! Maybe have to meet them at events with similar causes versus online. I feel like saying yes to the question online makes it seem like I want to birth a child a raise it for the next 20 years - that isn't the case. If I met someone who had kids and that filled the feeling of having my own family at some point - I could see not fostering or stopping fostering but I think there are only rare situations where that would happen. But who knows. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I am friends with a single woman who is a foster mother of an 11yo, so not quite a teenager but still more independent than a toddler. It's still not easy.
I am not saying you won't find anyone, but you are correct that it is an extreme niche. As strange as this sounds, it will be easier to meet someone if you are already a foster parent than it will be if this is just something you are planning to do down the road. Some men might be interested if they meet you and see you with your child and how your life is going. They will not be interested in someone who plans to upend her life in the near future. |
Anonymous
|
>>>>> I feel like saying yes to the question online makes it seem like I want to birth a child a raise it for the next 20 years - that isn't the case.
At your age, most will think it means you are open to dating men with kids. You're fine with yes. |