If your kid is the ‘mean girl’

[Anonymous]

DD is 14 and within the past couple of years DH and I have noticed some rest alarming behaviors from her. She has always been a social child and what we called head strong and assertive but it’s manifested in to nastiness and exclusivity. DH and I were never popular kids and neither were our two Ofer

[Anonymous]

Crap. Posted before I could finish.

Anyways....

Our two older sons (by 8 and 12 years) are similar to us in personality. Introverted, socially awkward, close knit friends but never popular.

It’s been a journey raising our daughter due to personality differences and some medical trauma she experienced in childhood. It’s safe to say she’s been spoiled and we kind of ignored some of her behaviors.

Now we can see (and have had others point out to us) some truly troubling behaviors. Bullying, excluding other girls based on appearance, class, the way they dress etc... Writing terrible notes to supposed friends. Lying. Generally vindictive behavior. She seems to have no remorse for the mental torment she puts her peers through. We had our head in the sand for awhile but were recently faced with hard evidence and feel like we don’t know or like our own daughter who hid a lot of this very well.

What can we do?

[Anonymous]

Read untangled. Honestly not that unusual from a developmental standpoint. Still tough. Keep talking about values and expectations but don't label her!

[Anonymous]

Well, these things do seem to have a way of 'self-correcting'. If she keeps it up, she won't have any friends left to push around.

[Anonymous]

Cut back on her elitist clothing expenses. But you don’t have the backbone, do you?

[Anonymous]

She probably need her access to social media revoked and some therapy to address her issues.

[Anonymous]

There are two times I will tell a child that they have disappointed me. When they intentionally hurt someone else. And when they put themselves or someone else in danger.

Time to tell your kid she has disappointed you because she hurt other people. And that is never okay.

Also cut the status symbols, remove the smartphone and kill social media.

Say no to your kid.

And 2 therapists. One for you or the family (parents plus problem kid). One for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two times I will tell a child that they have disappointed me. When they intentionally hurt someone else. And when they put themselves or someone else in danger.

Time to tell your kid she has disappointed you because she hurt other people. And that is never okay.

Also cut the status symbols, remove the smartphone and kill social media.

Say no to your kid.

And 2 therapists. One for you or the family (parents plus problem kid). One for the kid.

This is excellent advice. And good for you OP, to recognize this and want to try to make it better.

[Anonymous]

Love her enough to seek professional guidance to work with her on this. Stop being an ostrich. Her life should get awkward while facing why she is doing this.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has been relentlessly bullied by mean girls. She’s beautiful kind and smart and also just wants to have friends, these other girls pick on her looks, exclude her, call her names and get away with it. When I mptold one of their moms she was shocked her daughter could be capable of this behavior. I applaud you for recognizing it. I’m taking my daughter to the school counselor and maybe a private one of my husband agrees. I think it would’ve great if you can take yours too. She can turn this around.

[Anonymous]

Op, you started a different thread about daughters/mothers not getting along, and suggested to your daughter that she get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love her enough to seek professional guidance to work with her on this. Stop being an ostrich. Her life should get awkward while facing why she is doing this.

And love her enough to do the hard stuff. Parenting her through the transition to stricter rules won’t be fun.

[Anonymous]

B/c you and DH weren't popular that's why your kid is the way she is.

[Anonymous]

Great that you recognize this and don’t minimize it Agree with the book suggestion Untangled. Is she someone who confides in you? Often these kids do this because they are feeling less than for some reason. Getting her to understand how this is hurtful to others and in the long run harmful to her will be important if her dealing with this in counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crap. Posted before I could finish.

Anyways....

Our two older sons (by 8 and 12 years) are similar to us in personality. Introverted, socially awkward, close knit friends but never popular.

It’s been a journey raising our daughter due to personality differences and some medical trauma she experienced in childhood. It’s safe to say she’s been spoiled and we kind of ignored some of her behaviors.

Now we can see (and have had others point out to us) some truly troubling behaviors. Bullying, excluding other girls based on appearance, class, the way they dress etc... Writing terrible notes to supposed friends. Lying. Generally vindictive behavior. She seems to have no remorse for the mental torment she puts her peers through. We had our head in the sand for awhile but were recently faced with hard evidence and feel like we don’t know or like our own daughter who hid a lot of this very well.

What can we do?

I think if you leap into punishment, she's not going to develop empathy. I would talk with her-- what is she getting out of this behavior, how might it be harmful to others, who does she want to be?

I would consider broadening her horizons- not just the usual suggestion to volunteer (although that can be helpful), but expand her world a little bit with activities away from school, if possible.

It's okay to acknowledge to your DD that you may have dropped the ball in the past by not emphasizing what is important about how we treat others. Then, you need to set the boundaries and consequences going forward- you will monitor electronics use more diligently. If you have evidence or hear from another source that your DD isn't treating others with dignity, she will lose her phone for a period of time.

I think this will work best because you've admitted that your DD is indulged and you haven't attended to her character development due to some medical issues-- and didn't see this coming because her personality differs from the rest of your immediate family. It's okay-- some kids require more parenting in various respects than other kids. "Know better, do better."