When do you stick up for your kid and when do you just force them to cope?

[Anonymous]

I have a 3 year old who is relatively sensitive/ non-assertive. We often hang out with a group of friends who have kids that are slightly older than her (3.5-5). Sometimes the older kids will tease her, call her a baby or say things like "you're a stinky face." Stupid stuff. They do this to all of the kids, not just mine. But mine always come over to me in tears to report that the other kids aren't being nice.

My approach so far has been to tell her to tell the kids what she wants "e.g. I want you to call me Larla. Don't call me mean names." She always wants me to come with her when she talks to them, so that means that I end up accompanying her to the area where the kids are playing and interrupting the other kids' conversations/play to say "Larla has something to tell you." And then she says her piece while they look at her like "huh? We moved on from that 5 minutes ago!"

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do in these circumstances. I want her to learn to let things roll off of her back more, but I also want her to learn to stick up for herself and not tolerate BS. For now, she's only able to stick up for herself if I come with her....which then makes the whole situation weird. Obviously, if she were 10, it'd be super socially awkward to have your mom do this sort of thing. She's only 3, but it already feels kinda weird--like to the extent the other kids are making fun of her for being babyish, my presence is going to make it worse.

For what it's worth, there's nothing about her that's particularly babyish up until her feelings get hurt--she's a pretty average 3 year old, but she does retreat/come find me when kids tease her/call her names.

Any suggestions for how I could handle this better?

[Anonymous]

Just tell her to either accept that some kids say things we don’t like and that’s how life is, or she can tell them not to call her that but you’re not going to accompany her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to either accept that some kids say things we don’t like and that’s how life is, or she can tell them not to call her that but you’re not going to accompany her anymore.

+1. If they were singling her out, I would have different advice, but for general kid name calling, just give her some talking points like you do now, but tell her she has to talk to them and work it out. When my almost 4 year old comes to me with a grievance, I often just say "what did you say to them then? Go use your words and work it out." Then later explain that that's just how some kids play and they don't mean to hurt her feelings and she can always take a break from playing if it's too much.

[Anonymous]

Always stick up for mine. They know they can count on me to help.

[Anonymous]

I would say something to the other kids personally. I dont think kids should be calling a younger child who is supposed to be a friend names like that. I practice what i preach. If I dont let my kid say it I don't want to her her friends saying it either. I guess in my circle of friends we are somewhat village parents and will reprimand each others kids if necessary.

[Anonymous]

I will remove my child from a situation if I feel that people are mean or not inclusive. If my child cannot be removed from the situation then they know they have to ignore mean people unless they fear for their safety.

Cope? With injustice? No. At the very least they can come to me to rave, rant and cry and I will always be available for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to either accept that some kids say things we don’t like and that’s how life is, or she can tell them not to call her that but you’re not going to accompany her anymore.

Tell her to play with other kids.

[Anonymous]

Start supervising more closely so you can catch them in the act. When I hear my son and/or his friends calling each other names, I intervene. A blanket "no calling people names, everyone" on repeat (single out kids as needed if they continue). Definitely stop them from saying she's a baby.

Are they saying these things with genuine silliness and laughter? Or with sass and venom? I try to nip both types in the bud, Sometimes kids just think words are hysterical so "stinky face" might just be something they can all laugh at, not meant to be hurtful. But calling her a baby does seem mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say something to the other kids personally. I dont think kids should be calling a younger child who is supposed to be a friend names like that. I practice what i preach. If I dont let my kid say it I don't want to her her friends saying it either. I guess in my circle of friends we are somewhat village parents and will reprimand each others kids if necessary.

+1

In our group of friends, if someone heard that someone's child did something to someone else's child, anyone will step in and correct that behavior. They range in age from 3-8 (there are about 20 kids) and we hang out a lot. They fight and bicker and do normal kid stuff, but we all handle situations between kids the same. We don't encourage tattling (i.e. if you weren't the one who was wronged, you don't need to discuss it), and we do encourage them to work it out among themselves, but if any of those kids were saying mean things to my kid it would be more of a global approach to stopping it. Why are your friends ok with having their kids say mean things like that?

[Anonymous]

I would also say something to the other kids - they're three year olds! It's what you do.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, the other kids sound ill mannered and obnoxious. If their parents are ok with this behavior, I'd find new friends. Or only hang out when their kids aren't there.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't continue to hang out in a playgroup where the kids behave this way. If it happened once or twice, but consistently? No.