Perfectionism

[Anonymous]

What helps your tween/teen who battles with perfectionism, especially when it comes to schoolwork? DC is obsessed with getting all A's and struggles with handing in assignments that are "good enough."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What helps your tween/teen who battles with perfectionism, especially when it comes to schoolwork? DC is obsessed with getting all A's and struggles with handing in assignments that are "good enough."

We're dealing with the same issue. The driving issue for my teen is anxiety, which we're addressing with therapy and meds. I've tried to explain it's not necessary (or expected by us) to routinely spend hours and hours every day on homework. Sometimes DC gets up at 5 a.m. after spending several hours the night before. And this isn't just for big tests or papers, it's for routine, low-stake assignments. I'm worried about burn out and mental health. It's so frustrating and worries me to no end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What helps your tween/teen who battles with perfectionism, especially when it comes to schoolwork? DC is obsessed with getting all A's and struggles with handing in assignments that are "good enough."

We're dealing with the same issue. The driving issue for my teen is anxiety, which we're addressing with therapy and meds. I've tried to explain it's not necessary (or expected by us) to routinely spend hours and hours every day on homework. Sometimes DC gets up at 5 a.m. after spending several hours the night before. And this isn't just for big tests or papers, it's for routine, low-stake assignments. I'm worried about burn out and mental health. It's so frustrating and worries me to no end.

+2. Our teen isn't dealing with anxiety though, just a fixation on a particular life-path even though we emphasize that people get to their goals by different paths, often with detours. Even though DC objectively understands that failure and falling short are learning experiences, the emotional toll is quite alarming and we've encourage DC to concentrate their striving for "perfection" on fewer subjects.

[Anonymous]

Perfectionism is a manifestation of anxiety. We all need to learn that done is better than perfect. There is a time and a place when it is necessary - but (trust me, I speak from experience) staying up late and then getting up at 5:00am to finish a school assignment is not that time and place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfectionism is a manifestation of anxiety. We all need to learn that done is better than perfect. There is a time and a place when it is necessary - but (trust me, I speak from experience) staying up late and then getting up at 5:00am to finish a school assignment is not that time and place.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you.
Can anyone share their experience with a kid who modified their perfectionist tendencies and what seemed to help the most, other than meds? If therapy, what helped exactly?

[Anonymous]

This was one of the precursors go hospitalization for my son. It was grounded in anxiety. I don’t know what to tell you other than to try to get your child some mental health supports as quickly as you can.

Here’s the thing that happens. It doesn’t take long before your child falls too far behind that they can’t catch up. That’s the point of crisis. The ER doctors told us that it is very common for 9th graders to end up in the ER for this sort of issue.

[Anonymous]

No help other than to share a saying I've heard recently, "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good (enough)."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
Can anyone share their experience with a kid who modified their perfectionist tendencies and what seemed to help the most, other than meds? If therapy, what helped exactly?

I can’t. Meds were an essential part of his treatment. CBT helped, but it’s only a tool. He has GAD with OCD tendencies. Perfectionism plays into that. His therapist works on exercises with him to help him be able to turn in a complete and accurate math assignment that got a bent corner, but the meds provide the stability to let him be calm and open to hearing what his therapist says and follow through with her advice. We tried meds without therapy and therapy without meds, and we tried meds with a therapist I thought was amazing but he didn’t connect with. None of those worked. His needs were specific, different from mine, and unrelatable to me. I think a lot of parents look at the problem and solution through their own perspective when they need to use the same lens their kids look through.

[Anonymous]

CBT to challenge faulty thinking
Modeling and talking about my own mistakes
Recognizing it serves a protective purpose and he is up against forces beyond me, but it still helps
Finding the humor in everything without belittling
Talking through expectations in advance
Enforcing healthy sleep habits
Encouraging him to hang out with more laidback kids rather than just gunners who talk about grades
Coming up with a mantra to interrupt rumination (ie one B will have no bearing on my life)
Reading hero's journey stories in which the main character (or real life subject of the story) hits bumps on the road and succeeds after lots of ups and downs
Validating their fears and playing them out and talking about how he would cope with his anticipated worst-case scenario

[Anonymous]

OP- as weird as it sounds, my son's neuropsychologist said that perfectionism is a major feature of ADHD.

Yes, I know it sounds strange because many view ADHD as lack of focus, disorganization, and all kinds of traits that are the opposite of perfectionism...but it's also characterized by hyper focus (another difficultly with regulating attention) and anxiety. Sometimes kids like my son are so afraid of failure that they can't transition their attention "away" from the thing they feel most insecure about or are obsessed with.

My thought before looking into anxiety as a "stand alone" (and it certainly can be) is to consider whether there could be something more global.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the suggestions! I love the "hero" stories. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
Can anyone share their experience with a kid who modified their perfectionist tendencies and what seemed to help the most, other than meds? If therapy, what helped exactly?

Lack of sleep eventually fixed it.

[Anonymous]

Ditto on ADHD. Also OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).