Vent--No more capacity to deal with DH being a drama llama

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10/01/2019 21:02

Subject: Vent--No more capacity to deal with DH being a drama llama

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Anonymous

Quick set up: DH and I have a 2.5 year old. When I was pregnant, I gave up everything so DH could chase is dream job in a southern city that I quickly came to loathe. DH has reneged on every timeline about moving back to DC. I struggled terribly with depression after the move, got it under control, then relapsed and decided to add meds to my therapy. iIn March, I finally secured a job. It's made a tremendous positive impact on my mental health, but I still do all the food shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. We rent an apartment, so it's not like he's out there cutting grass and cleaning gutters.

DH won't ever come out and say he's angry and pissed, but he goes all silent and deep sighs. At least 3 out of 5 weekday mornings I end up having to deal with the typical toddler dramatics PLUS pretending not to notice DH is exasperated by God-knows-what all while trying to get us ready and out the door.

He insisted we give up cable and even a basic sling package and stream everything. Inevitably, there's some glitch at some point every night and here we go with another round of sighing and muttering under his breath and getting all pissy. Which is exactly what's happening right now as we try to watch the Nats game. So our evenings are reallh just a rehash of the morning when all I want is to just relax and de-stress a little.

Weekends will almost always have at least one drama llama episode; occasionally the entire weekend is an exercise in trying to keep DS from aggravating DH's foul mood (why is he in such a mood? Who knows! He refuses to communicate even if I ask directly), and me pretending not to notice.

At dinner, he drops a bombshell that he actually hates his job and wants sympathy from me.

I WANT TO SCREAM!

I feel like I'm already carrying a enormous load in every way, and now he wants even more emotional labor out of me (and, yeah, I'm pretty bitter that he never made an effort when I was at rock bottom). I want to say "suck it up, butter cup. We moved here for this job. You passed on a job back in DC. You decided to give up cable. You've decided your toddler should do everything the first time you ask and get into power struggles when he doesn't--because he's two. You've decided not to seek professional help for depression, anxiety, anger, etc., despite me pleading, begging, and go.so far as to actually set up appointments for you!"

Separation isn't really an option right now. I don't want to get stuck in our current city, which any custody arrangement would almost certainly require. There's not a guest room for me to move into. He's refused therapy, though I go on my own.

Like I said, vent. I'm working on figuring out what I need, what that looks like, with my therapist. All I really want is a little validation that I have a right to be emotionally exhausted and it's okay to say "right now, I have nothing left to give."