Vent--No more capacity to deal with DH being a drama llama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’ve gotten a lot of great advice here Op. I think it helps to break it down as you really have three separate issues going on:

(1) division of labor: most of us have struggled with this. As others have suggested, throwing $ at the problem and hiring help is the easiest. Otherwise it helps to be very specific with DH because it seems men sometimes can’t “see” what needs to be done. When my DC were small I put DH in charge of laundry- all of it. I told him if he did 100% of it- on his own timeline just get it done- I’d be happy. He did. I continued doing most everything else (cooking, cleaning). Mine would rather have an “area” he is 100% responsible for than have to coordinate with me on other things.

(2) DHs “issues”. Maybe he is depressed, maybe it is situational (job stress, he is not good with toddlers), maybe it is something else. Who knows. Try to get to the bottom of it. Wait for a good time to talk and suggest all that you can depending on what he says...exercise, a doctor, etc.

(3) how to manage yourself in the meantime while this is getting figured out- you have gotten many good suggestions about walking away, doing your own thing, etc etc

Good luck OP! We are all behind you. I really hope this is just a “blip” for your family- it happens. Hang in there.

This is true...there can be hard days, hard months, and sometimes hard years, and couples can still come out of it on the other end. I'm in the hard years category, and am working to hang in there.

OP here with an update. I told DH what I was feeling and mostly got blown off. Basically, he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong and I wasn't sufficiently acknowledging his contributions. (I didn't say "what contributions?!")

But last week he was having yet another woe-is-me morning, but off to the pumpkin patch we go. Then, with all of us in the car, he managed to t-bone another car, entirely DH's fault. He gets into a screaming match with the other driver, more f-bombs than I cared to count. Completely embarrassing, totally out of control. Next morning, he's still raging and I had enough--I'm trying to deal with insurance, figure how getting a rental car, etc., while he's still hung up on the fact that the other driver yelled at him. I snapped that he needed to get over it and get it together because we're in this mess 100% because of his actions. I'm an unsupportive witch blah blah blah and he's been crashing with a friend ever since.

God, this sucks.

Oh no. So sorry to hear about this car accident. Does he seem like an ADHD inattentive space cadet? Any chance that his inattentiveness is catching up with him on the home front, at work, when driving, etc. and he is lashing out at you? Not fair not mature. And he again, he is clearly trying to blame you for his shortcomings and his mistakes.

With this type, you have to just ignore and go quiet, do everything and keep him away from responsibilities (which he can’t handle and agree him out, plus all the mess ups.). See how much to outsource, do NOT have any more kids with him, keep working to keep your sanity, mAke social friends and support on the regular. Tell your therapist more details of his antics or disorder, and how you should cope.

I don’t know if it will be enough, most women I know in this sh1tty situation either divorce ASAP, or hang in until last kid is 8, then divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice just sympathy here. I too think my husband needs therapy be he disagrees. He has become an angry bitter person and I think his is all job related too. He had a great job for a long time and was a happy person. The past couple years he has bounced from job to job and he’s miserable. Which would be fine except he refuses to see/admit that he’s not himself.

Add me in. My DH is like this too. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with this man. For all the folks who say, "why did you marry him?", well my DH has grown angry and miserable as time went on. He wasn't this like this when we got married. Or the folks who say "why don't you communicate?" Yeah, some of us have tried. But these DH's are so defensive and not self-reflective at all. When I try to discuss these things, he quickly goes to "FINE, I WILL JUST LEAVE AND YOU CAN BE THE ONLY PARENT."

In my younger days I didn't really understood staying together for the kids. Now I get it. If it were just me, I'd leave. But to uproot my (teen and tween) kids and turn their lives upside down?

Ditto, we deal w DH weekly temper tantrums as well. Nothing gets done because of them, which he really seems to like.

That’s his way of controlling and manipulating you. Just ignore him, stay calm, walk away, sound like a broken record.
Call police and start recording him on your video phone if he’s yelling in front of the kids, record. Have it set up to go straight to the cloud real-time. If he assaults you to break the phone if will be recorded and saved. Done and done. Or it will shut him up....so you can walk on eggshells until he rages again soon....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can continue to let him be an albatross around your neck or you can make your own plans to relieve your own stress. Start small, like another PP said, get a cable service that you like and have it connected in the bedroom. Since you have a job now, you pay for it yourself and you get to make the decision for what you watch there. When he starts being dramatic, move into the bedroom and close the door. Let him know very explicitly that if he is going to be nice, he can come in and join you. If he is not, then he can go back out to the other TV and be all huffy and childish out there. Tell him that you are doing all that you can to hold the family together through the stress his choices have made and you can't handle any additional stress on top of that.

Tell him that you don't have sympathy for him not enjoying his job since you made a lot of sacrifices for him to take that job and to stay in your city when you clearly said that you wanted to go back. If he wants to stay in the job, he doesn't get to complain about it to you. If he wants to complain about the job, then he needs to actively look for work in DC and be prepared to move back up here.

So in your mind, OP owns the bedroom and can keep DH out if she doesn't think he's being nice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’ve gotten a lot of great advice here Op. I think it helps to break it down as you really have three separate issues going on:

(1) division of labor: most of us have struggled with this. As others have suggested, throwing $ at the problem and hiring help is the easiest. Otherwise it helps to be very specific with DH because it seems men sometimes can’t “see” what needs to be done. When my DC were small I put DH in charge of laundry- all of it. I told him if he did 100% of it- on his own timeline just get it done- I’d be happy. He did. I continued doing most everything else (cooking, cleaning). Mine would rather have an “area” he is 100% responsible for than have to coordinate with me on other things.

(2) DHs “issues”. Maybe he is depressed, maybe it is situational (job stress, he is not good with toddlers), maybe it is something else. Who knows. Try to get to the bottom of it. Wait for a good time to talk and suggest all that you can depending on what he says...exercise, a doctor, etc.

(3) how to manage yourself in the meantime while this is getting figured out- you have gotten many good suggestions about walking away, doing your own thing, etc etc

Good luck OP! We are all behind you. I really hope this is just a “blip” for your family- it happens. Hang in there.

This is true...there can be hard days, hard months, and sometimes hard years, and couples can still come out of it on the other end. I'm in the hard years category, and am working to hang in there.

OP here with an update. I told DH what I was feeling and mostly got blown off. Basically, he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong and I wasn't sufficiently acknowledging his contributions. (I didn't say "what contributions?!")

But last week he was having yet another woe-is-me morning, but off to the pumpkin patch we go. Then, with all of us in the car, he managed to t-bone another car, entirely DH's fault. He gets into a screaming match with the other driver, more f-bombs than I cared to count. Completely embarrassing, totally out of control. Next morning, he's still raging and I had enough--I'm trying to deal with insurance, figure how getting a rental car, etc., while he's still hung up on the fact that the other driver yelled at him. I snapped that he needed to get over it and get it together because we're in this mess 100% because of his actions. I'm an unsupportive witch blah blah blah and he's been crashing with a friend ever since.

God, this sucks.

I'm so sorry, OP. Anger issues are just awful to live with. How has this week been without him around?

[Anonymous]

Is the loathsome southern city Charlotte? Charlotte does suck.

[Anonymous]

1) He’s never going to be happy
2) No matter what you do
3) So you do you.

That’s really the situation in a nutshell right here. Forget about trying to accommodate him at your own expense. Live your own life within the marriage if you don’t want to get divorced. But you need to own what you can control and not be codependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your plan is wait to move to dc and then divorce?

I did that. It took 8 years to get back and the process to get it done has taken almost two years already. Has a pregnancy accident and got trapped. Could not attempt leaving until getting back. Tried to “save it” when we moved back. Failure. OP—get this guy back to where you want to live. Waiting years is miserable.

[Anonymous]

If you are in a southern city, living in an apartment and had to drop cable, you are going to be busted ass broke in DC